Patterns

a discernible regularity in the world or in a manmade design. As such, the elements of a pattern repeat in a predictable manner.

We can appreciate patterns in clothing but when they show up in our lives, they usually aren’t so attractive. Often times they are destructive and don’t serve us at all.

Here’s one of mine:

I look for real jobs every now and then because I worry about money. I don’t need to worry about money, but I do. I’m not wealthy, not starving but somewhere in-between. I  search through Indeed, send out resumes and then hear back from many of the places I applied to. Then I look at the emails and realize I don’t want any of the jobs. I wonder “What was I thinking?” and I find something wrong with every one of them.

Why do I do this? I am an actress; something my older son tries to remind me of when I do this. But I don’t listen. When I’m not manifesting jobs in acting, I manifest them by other means. A vicious cycle that I create over and over again.

So I ask myself, “Why do you keep repeating this pattern?” And the answer is one that takes a little digging. Well.. a lot of digging. It’s a freaking rabbit hole! You have to have a sturdy shovel if you are going to start digging down into it. I don’t necessarily like digging, but I like repetitive patterns less, so I dig. I get in there like a gopher.

Money isn’t the real problem, nor is lack, or control. We all have issues with them in one way or another.  So the little voice inside me says, “Dig deeper! A fear is there. There is always a fear there! I fear there isn’t enough. There’s not enough acting jobs for people my age. Deeper still. What’s this about age anyway? I’m too old.  Jesus!  Twenty years ago you said you were too young! This isn’t about age.”

At this point I’m exhausted. Sometimes I have to come back to it. Every now and then I listen to some insightful person and get a nugget. I listen to a few. So if it isn’t about age, then what is it? It’s definitely a fear. What am I afraid of? This is when I look at my life and everything that is being reflected back to me.

My life is like a neon sign of my shit. I’m an actress! What do I face day in and day out? Rejection. I am afraid of rejection. Terrified of it, yet I face it daily. Well that’s a lie! I was asked to do two play last week and I turned them both down. Why? Because they didn’t pay enough. Really? No play pays enough! You do it for the love of the art. So why didn’t I do it? Fear!!!!

Here the Universe is telling me I can do anything yet I don’t believe it. What the fuck is wrong with me? I say I want plays and I get them. I wouldn’t be getting them if I couldn’t do them! Why do I self sabotage over and over again?

You didn’t see that coming in the rabbit hole, did you? I self-sabotage. I manifest like a freaking magician and yet when it comes time to pull that rabbit out of the hat, it’s down in the hole hiding with the rest of my fears and insecurities of not being good enough.

Well you know that fear of rejection and fear of abandonment are a couple, but you may not have known that fear of not being good enough is that final piece of the trio that will cripple you from being your most amazing self.

Where does my not being good enough come from? It wasn’t there when I was a kid. I was as ugly as a stick. Honestly, I don’t know why my mother purchased all those school pictures! She thought I was a Goddess. My dad thought I hung the moon. I knew I was special because they told me I was.

But then it all changed. They divorced, remarried and I had to share them with two people who had low self esteem. I was too young to know they didn’t love themselves enough to love me. My stepfather was kinder but I never approved of him and my mother.

My stepmother was mean. She said nasty things to me and my dad allowed her to. This is where the pattern started.  I was the thorn in her side. A constant reminder that he had a past before her. The thing that stood between her and my father and the child she brought from another marriage. She made me feel horrible about myself and my dad made me feel abandoned. His wife reminded me time and time again of the haves and have nots with her comment about “the people with money” like there was something wrong with them. And I was “too old to model.”

My self esteem hit an all time low.  Despite the fact that my father gave me a necklace claiming I was “Special”, I felt anything but. I left the house feeling horrible about myself, so consequently anyone who made me feel good, no matter how short term or how toxic, was someone I wanted to be around.

For the longest time I attracted horrible people who mistreated me, undervalued me and disregarded me like some fly you shoo away that’s a nuisance.

I wasn’t wise enough to know that people are only capable of giving you what they can give themselves and not everyone can give love. This belief is still ever present in my world today. A pattern that is unattractive, self destructive, exhausting and no longer serves me or anyone close to me. So I am consciously choosing to re-write history and break this pattern once and for all.

Our mission in life is to break these patterns that no longer serve us. In doing so we not only free ourselves, but we free anyone who knows us as well. The longer we stay attached to patterns that do not serve us, the further we move away from who and what we came here to be.

In order to break a pattern, you first need to realize there is one.  A shovel is purely optional.

 

 

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Published by

Gretchen Allison

Actress/Model, supporter of Dogs In Danger, National Mill Dog Rescue, currently learning astrology and how to barber. I love the ocean, laughing, people with integrity, deep house music, travel, learning new skills and margaritas. Not necessarily in that order. I wrote a romantic comedy called Oh Shiksa! which is a great beach read. You can purchase it on Amazonhttps://www.amazon.com/Oh-Shiksa-Line-Wealthy-Always-ebook/dp/B005CI7DC8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1530100995&sr=8-1&keywords=oh+shiksa

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