Honoring The Self

We have all grown up in families where certain expectations were put upon us that we managed to maintain, despite how difficult they may have been.

At first you just went along with the program. The people in charge were people you trusted, so there was no need to question what they told you.

As the years passed and you started to see people outside your  home doing things in different ways, you may have started to question your personal experience, maybe even measure it up against someone else’s.

You got a little older and questioned it more because you started to form opinions and emotions that could be very overwhelming. Maybe you even got brave and asked your parents some questions which they may have taken as confrontation. Who did you think you were to question what they said or did? You probably backed down, regretted opening your mouth and conformed to their beliefs because you didn’t want to be admonished again.

Maybe you even did what I did and kept the peace. I got so good at it that I put others ahead of myself over and over again. Their feelings became more important than mine because I didn’t want to upset anyone and consequently I wound up feeling unworthy.

As I write this now and think back on my life, I can see how most of the time I was’t even the one running my life. When you become a person who pleases others, the people who prey on people like you just seem to find you.

Generally when you’re a giving person, a taker will be right there to help grab all that goodness. The problem is, they rarely give back. And if they do, they don’t let you forget it. Quid pro quo is the name of the game.

Once you start doing some reflection on your life and the players in it, you might get angry for having been taken advantage of. Then of course you realize you allowed it and the anger turns towards yourself.

But we need not be angry about it. What we need to do is understand that every person who enters our life is an exact mirror of how we feel about ourselves. The more you can understand this concept and really take it in, the more you will start to honor yourself first and then only people who honor themselves will find you. You won’t even have to go looking for them.

Recently someone from my past wanted to take a trip down memory lane and engage me in an argument.  Only their memories are far different from mine, which is often the case. You cannot heal old wounds when people refuse to acknowledge their part in creating them. Besides, I have worked too hard on myself to revisit the past and I don’t see the point in doing so. It’s the past. I live in the now. If you want to meet me there, we’re good.

When this person tried to go there with me, I simply said, “I don’t have to listen to this” and got up and left. I didn’t feel the need to tell my story or hear theirs because I have no ego. The ego wants to engage. It has to be right and prove others wrong. But who are we to say who is wrong? Everyone experiences a situation differently and the ego will always tell you that your experience is the one that is right.

But we don’t need to be right. We just need to be happy.

I have healed that part of my life but their projection onto me was a clear indicator that they had not. People will do this to you. Project their unhealed shit onto you. Often times they are mad at someone else, but you are the one who was taught to put others ahead of yourself when you were younger and they are still holding onto the part of you that did.

You can tell they are projecting because you won’t feel the need to engage. It’s a moment when you realize they are so angry (which is just an emotion they use to hide real pain) over time lost and they are incapable of taking accountability themselves, so they attack you; the person who was conditioned to play the scapegoat.

But you’re no longer willing to play that role. You’re now the star of your life, not the background or understudy.

You can’t get back time, so why keep going there? You have to take what you have today and make the best of it. If people won’t accept who you are now, then they aren’t people worth having in your life. I don’t care who they are.

When someone wants to be with you, they are with you. End of fucking story! They accept you for who you are, where you are on your journey and don’t judge you. They don’t make excuses, they don’t blame, shame or ridicule. They just show up and accept you completely just the way you are because they love you.

Honor yourself first and see who falls away. The ones who stay are the only ones who matter.

 

 

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Published by

Gretchen Allison

Actress/Model, supporter of Dogs In Danger, National Mill Dog Rescue and a Fellow Barber in training. I love the ocean, people with integrity, deep house music, travel, learning new skills and margaritas. Not necessarily in that order. I wrote a chick-lit book called Oh Shiksa! which is a great beach read. You can purchase it on Amazonhttps://www.amazon.com/Oh-Shiksa-Line-Wealthy-Always-ebook/dp/B005CI7DC8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1530100995&sr=8-1&keywords=oh+shiksa

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