When we think of the word sabotage, we don’t get a good feeling. It literally means to destroy something and it is deliberate. This even sounds harsh! But what is far worse than sabotage, is the kind we to do ourselves.
You know you are self sabotaging when you are in an avoidance state. For one reason or another you hold yourself back from doing what you want to do. Your heart is calling you to the table so that you may feast on life’s bounty, and you are pretending you don’t hear it. You bury yourself in work, books, exercise…it doesn’t matter, you just ignore it.
You may want that job that you dream about and then when you meet someone who works at the company, you say you already have a job or you may even walk away from the person rather abruptly. As long as it remains in your head you are safe, but when it steps in front of you it’s too real, so you run the other way.
You say you want to lose weight but then will run out to McDonalds and order a Bic mac fries and of course, a diet Coke. On some level you don’t feel like you will ever reach your ideal weight, so you make sure it won’t happen.
Perhaps your fondest desire is to be in love, but you stay home every night and watch tv instead. People may even try to fix you up and maybe you go out to appease them. You meet a person who lights you up and your heart feels a stir. Your ego immediately steps in and reminds you of the last person who broke your heart and you shut yourself off. You come up with a million and one reasons why it won’t work and never see the person again.
Why is it someone would say they want something and then do nothing about it, when they are presented with an opportunity to have what they dream of? Because talking means feeling. If we have to express how we feel about something or someone and have been deeply hurt in our past, then we will do whatever we must in order to avoid feeling anything at all.
You may have distorted beliefs at this point that you are not loveable, likeable, marketable, whatever it is that you are believing about yourself. You will project onto others what you feel deep within and turn away people who only see your light, not the darkness you perceive that you hold.
If you are carrying wounds that are this deep, you will either consciously or unconsciously sabotage everything you say you want in order to seemingly “protect” yourself, but what you are really doing is playing small. You are denying yourself happiness, love, all of the ooey gooey stuff that comes when you are living the life of your dreams and freedom from your past. You are essentially still living in your past, if you are self sabotaging. So while you may think you have outrun the devil, it’s actually sitting on your shoulder, every time you deny yourself what it is you want.
We are all a work in progress. No matter how much work we do on ourselves, there is always more to uncover. There is no such thing as someone who is better than us, more advanced, more spiritual, more anything. We are all just people living our lives, trying to do what’s right and maybe if we are more open instead of closed, we will see that under the need to sabotage things, there is really a yearning for freedom from all of our old wounds.
If your heart calls you to do something, then listen. Your ego has kept you small for too long. It’s time to shine and receive all of the gifts that life is trying to offer you.