“the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.” This is the actual meaning of control. That’s frightening!
What is it about control that makes people think if they have it, they are okay?
I have known way too many people who try to control things and I have removed them all from my life. It is a trait in a person I find nauseating. I think we all have an issue here or there with control, but when it comes to being in a relationship, there is no room for it.
If a person is too controlling, it can often indicate a person who has NPD. This type of person lives in a world of absolutes. They are very black and white. Which is why being in a relationship with someone who has NPD cannot work.
When it comes to love there is no control. It’s all about the exact opposite. It is when we lose control. It is when we allow ourselves to feel, to be swept up in emotions. You have to be willing to let go of control if you want to be in love. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.
But a person with NPD doesn’t know how to love, they only know how to manipulate others to get what they want. And they do this in a number of ways.
There are certain things they say that are meant to weaken and destabilize you. The goal is to make you question yourself and your reality. They are especially fond of the words : Always and Never. Like I would never lie or I always do what I am supposed to do. I mean, let’s raise the bar here people! You’re not supposed to lie to your partner and you are definitely supposed to do your part in a relationship…without having to be told.
People who have NPD are experts at projecting and deflecting, too. You better believe it is always someone else’s fault for whatever wrong thing is going on in their life and if you happen to be involved with someone like this; you’re their fall guy.
You see, all of the control that they crave, is simply a mask for how out of control they actually feel, so they prey on people who are giving in nature. It’s really heartbreaking for the person who is empathetic, but for the person doing it, a complete high.
Because they cannot love, they take all of your love and groom themselves with it like a cat bathing himself and then leave you with the hairballs. Sorry to be gross, but my big bundle of joy, Milo, is right next to me doing just this.
You might think you’ve met the love of your life, but what you have really met, is a person who has to win at all costs. Negotiation is the name of the game. There is no doing something nice for someone because it feels good to do so, there is only I’m going to do this thing for someone, because I expect something in return.
And the bread crumbing! They throw you one every time they feel like you are moving away from them. This keeps you engaged with them because you feel as though they care. But they don’t! They only care that you are catching on to the fact that this is a one sided relationship, so they have to do something to string you along. You’re not a bird! You’re a beautiful human being!
I’m so sorry if you have had the misfortune of meeting someone like this or are currently in a relationship with someone who is displaying these qualities. It is really difficult and heartbreaking when you come to this realization, but if you’re being honest with yourself, you have probably felt something was “off” for awhile.
Here are some of their favorite things to say:
You can trust me – This is said when you catch them in a lie. Your gut is telling you otherwise, so trust that instead.
Stop attacking me – This is said whenever you want to talk about something that bothers you or simply have a discussion like most normal couples do. It’s meant to shut down all conversations.
I don’t like the way you said that – Also said to deflect and not have any conversation. It usually has to do with them feeling attacked somehow and they generally always feel attacked.
I never said that – Which means they actually did say it, but are now deflecting again so they don’t have to take accountability.
We did talk about that. Don’t you remember? – This is said when they do something sneaky or lie and know it. Another form of deflection meant to throw you off balance, like you’re going nuts.
Why do you always want to argue – Probably one of their favorites! Immediate conversation shut down. They might say this and walk away. You can’t have a meaningful conversation with someone if they aren’t there!
Everybody does it – Oh! This one! I don’t think everybody sends inappropriate emails, gossips and does things that are illegal. I’m quite certain actually, but in this person’s reality-they believe this.
What’s the big deal – This piggybacks on the last one! Well, it is kind of a big deal when you do things that jeopardize your family’s well being.
And the threats! If you don’t do this…I’m going to do that. Basically the tit for tat thing, which goes back to them only doing something to gain something.
Those are just a few, but I think you get it. You basically aren’t in a relationship, you’re in a battle…and its a constant one.
I am sending everyone who reads my blog so much love and hope that if any of this is being done to you, that you have the strength to remove yourself from this emotionally abusive relationship.
I write what I write because I want people to know they are not alone. Wherever you are on your journey, please know that the ultimate destination is back to the self. As long as you are always looking for someone to make you feel loved, you will always be giving your power away.
There is no need for evil witches on our journey to the fairy tale of a loving and lasting relationship. There are plenty of people who don’t encounter them before they meet the love of their lives. We only attract the evil witches when we need these lessons to learn our worth. I don’t know about you, but I’m done with all that ugly.
Which means Prince Charming is now free to arrive. Any day now!