Connecting

 

connet

joining or linking things together, especially so as to provide access and communication.

I have arrived at this place in my life where I don’t feel the need to talk for the sake of talking, just to be a part of a conversation.

Some people will just babble on about nothingness just to seemingly be “a part” of a group, but I find that the more I am comfortable with who I am, the happier I am to just listen to others.

You hear a lot when you don’t talk. You see a lot too. So much is spoken within the unspoken. The gestures people make, their discomfort, their looks, their sadness, their fear, their judging. The wounded children inside of them just yearning for attention.

I think at a core level we all want the same things, but some people just go about getting them in different ways. Or don’t at all. There is an emptiness in some people that says I have resigned to where I am, even though I am unhappy and also a bitterness that is ever present in the way they respond to others.

I do not relate to most people. I don’t think I ever have. I have played along, put on the mask, and pretended to be something or someone I wasn’t but that never served me, just others who wanted something from me that they would not or could not give themselves.

I have made some amazing discoveries on this journey. I have learned to be my own everything, to set boundaries when needed, to honor myself with space and to discern between when someone is listening or just pretending to.

When I am with people who only want to be recognized for who they are and what they are bringing to the table, it gives me an opportunity to observe.

In this place of observation, I realize that often times connection to some people simply means being in their presence but I feel connection is so much more.

True connection is the recognition of a persons soul. Who they are beyond the appearance. It is the willingness to be vulnerable and allow others into your heart.

And while connections may not always be seamless, there are the rare times when they are fated and just plain easy.

There are some people you will always have a connection with. The ones you can pick up right where you left off, even when you haven’t spoken in awhile. My friend, Sue comes to mind.

I had someone reach out to me via text and I had no clue who the number belonged to, but I did know whoever sent it, knew me, so I wrote back right away.

I realized later it was from Richard, a man who directed me in a brilliant pilot he wrote and directed a few years ago. I have always rooted for him and his work and I was so happy to get his text. Somehow we lost our connection through the years. I’m not sure why, but I was so happy to reconnect with a like minded individual.

Connecting to one another is what we are missing most right now. It is human nature.

Relationships come into our lives for a variety of reasons and none should ever be discounted. There is something we can learn about ourselves from them all. The abusive, the toxic, the easy, the vapid, the boring, the happy, the creative, and of course, the loving. 

Babylon

 

 

 

 

Vows

grim

Vow: solemnly promise to do a specified thing.

Such a funny thing, vows. So archaic in nature. They were always vowing something on Game of Thrones and look how that ended for most!

Wedding vows-boy oh boy. Let’s talk about those.

I think when you read through these, it will explain the estimated 60% demise of all marriages. They simply aren’t realistic and were clearly written on stone tablets like something out of the Flintstones.

I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, *So formal! Wedded sounds like bedded to me! Do you really have to get married for that to happen? Maybe back in the day, but certainly not now.

to have and to hold, from this day forward, *Sounds so constricting, like shackles or a straight jacket. Why not pull out the handcuffs while you’re at it, cause now that I’ve got you, you’re not going anywhere!

for better, for worse, *Really? Who the hell wants the worse? I mean, come on! For the better, okay. If the worse is coming for me, then I don’t want see it, so let’s just keep dating.

for richer, for poorer, *This one! Am I right? What if you marry some man/boy who doesn’t want to get a real job? What if they sit around all day and do nothing while you do it all? They may have been working when you met them, but now they can’t keep a job! Next!

in sickness and in health, *What kind of sickness are we talking here? Cause if it involves perpetual puking or diapers, I’m out.

to love and to cherish, *What’s with the cherish thing? I don’t want you kissing my feet and I am certainly not going to kiss yours!

till death do us part,  *Oh…this one! Co-existing with someone because they refuse to let you go or more aptly, their money? Sounds like a death sentence already.  I picture that grim reaper guy with the scythe. But we all know that the grim reaper in this case is an attorney with a fancy pen who is probably going to make you wish that you were dead, when it’s all over.

according to God’s holy ordinance;  *I’m sorry! Was there a meeting about the ordinance? Usually they post those things ahead of time, you know, like at the post office or something. How does anyone know what God wants anyway? It is all according to how you were raised and what you believe about him to be true. So on that note, I say God wants people to be happy. Period!

thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you. *I pledged allegiance to the flag in grade school, I do it at sports events, and I even pledge my house. It’s enough already!

These vows we take at the alter really do a number on us and I think they should be re-written! How about these:

Hey, wanna get married? *Sure!

I think we should talk about money. *Me too!

What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours. Keep your account you had before we met and I will do the same. We can open another one together once we move forward. *That seems very fair. I like it! Let’s talk about space. I need mine!

Oh, I got it! We will have two residences. You know, so when we have had enough of one another, we can go there until we miss the other again. *Ooh! Now you’re talking!

What about family? *What about them?

Do you like mine? *About as much as you like mine.

You are so funny! *I try, but in all seriousness, we’ll only visit with people who are fun to be around and don’t judge us. Everybody else can piss off. 

I love that about you! *Thanks! I really mean it. I’ve got your back and if I ever don’t, you have my blessing to leave.

I’m glad you brought that up. I was thinking we should have an exit plan. You know, just in case. *Hmm…I like it. Tell me more.

If after five years we look at each other and say, “What the hell was I thinking? Or… get unraveled by the way the other chews, breathes, brushes their teeth, walks, talks, looks at us, and well, pretty much does anything that starts to work a nerve, then we go our separate ways. *Love it! Let’s get hitched!

 

Haters

hater

a negative or critical person.

Let’s face it, if you’re going to be in the public eye, you are gonna have a few of these. I know I do.

Haters are people who hide behind a mask of insincerity. They also hide behind computer screens and phones and blast you with their negativity via criticism, gossip, evil thoughts or just bad energy in general.

Some haters smile in your face and pretend they support you, but in reality, they can’t stand to see anything good happen to you or for you. This is because they are so incredibly jealous of your accomplishments because it makes them feel inferior.

The worst part, is that they are often people you have allowed into your inner circle.

It’s hard to imagine isn’t it? People smiling in your face, but all the while secretly hoping for your demise. Heartbreaking for sure, especially if you are a person who supports others and only wants to see good things happen to them.

But people who do this do not have a clue what love is all about. They do not know what it means to love someone without conditions, because their love is filled with them. Which really isn’t love at all, is it?

People who are vapid are a whole other animal. I don’t like to call them animals because well, animals are awesome. So let’s just call them what they really are. Emotionally damaged people.

They might be scary narcissists. This happens in childhood. You can research these charming people on your own (side note: Charming here means completely and utterly horrible and hideous beyond belief).

They can also be emotionally manipulative. They use whatever means is in their little destructive tool bag to try and make your life miserable. People who hate on others don’t have much of a life themselves because they have no identity, so they create one around others.

This is where boundaries come in. You might try and set them, but people with emotional manipulation issues cannot stand boundaries, so they will use whatever means possible to try and tear them down. You can even build a freaking fortress and these bitches will find a way in. 

The most important thing to remember though, is despite the fact that these people yearn to hate on you, they are actually obsessed with you, which makes the dynamic even creepier.

But remember this: you have all the power here! You get to decide if you engage with them or not.

This poison that they consume really only poisons them, because they do not have the emotional capacity to understand what being authentic really means.

And by the way, they love drinking that poison up! They will try and poison you through a myriad of ways. It might happen through your creative projects or your personal character. They have friends and family criticize you, talk about you behind your back, tell lies, tell tales, tell stories, basically anything to make you look like a raving lunatic. They are very good at stories and masters at creating chaos. In fact, they pride themselves on all of these things.

They are so emotionally damaged, that they take pleasure in disparaging someone else’s work, because they don’t have the creative juice, gumption or grit to get anything off the ground themselves.

I love haters! If you’re hatin’ on me, then that means you are actually enthralled with me. How freaking flattering is that? I mean, wow! Thank you! I am…pretty fucking awesome!

So if you are a hater of mine, you might want to ask yourself this: why are you checking up on me? Why are you reading my blog? Why are you reading my books? Why do you care so much about what I’m doing?

Just sayin!

Maybe it’s time you did a little self reflection and went within, because hatin’ on me isn’t working for you. I take all that energy that you give me, either negative or positive and I alchemize it into personal power.

So thank you for your hating, you can carry on now.

 

 

 

The Rarest Scent

skunk

I got a delivery last week from one of my favorite indulgences, Diptyque candles. I just love them! They are expensive, but smell amazing, so I rationalize the price this way.  Feu de Bois is one of my faves.

I pulled out the candles and admired them for a moment and then moved on to the box from Amazon because my youngest was expecting something. Football junk! Not the most exciting thing for me to open, but for a fourteen year old boy who is obsessed with football, I knew he would be happy.

The deliveries are hit and miss these days. Not complaining, happy to get them at all, but let’s face it, something I ordered two weeks ago might come at the end of June. Well, I guess it will be like I am a kid at Christmas!

Imagine my excitement, when I saw lemons wipes in the box. Three beautiful green canisters looking back at me. Honestly, as much as I love those stupid candles that transport me to places I can’t even begin to describe, I brought the canister to my nose and breathed in the fresh scent of lemon.

Ahhhhh! “Hello friend! I haven’t seen you in awhile.” I whispered under my breath.

It had been so long since I smelled them! Never was there a time when I went to the grocery store and was not able to purchase at least three canisters of them. I live for those things! I keep them in every bathroom.

I have three boys…19, 17, and 14. If you have boys, then you understand the importance of lemon wipes in the bathroom. If you don’t, then appreciate the wonderfulness of having a bathroom that is boy free. Don’t even get me started on the kitchen!

Because I am resourceful, I’ve had to start using baby wipes in there. I found some that smell like cucumbers. I kid myself into thinking they work, but let’s be honest here. I don’t need the bathrooms they use to smell like a salad, I want them to smell like they are germ free.

I am rationing the wipes. I am actually measuring the degree of a mess or smell when I use them because I can’t get them anymore. It literally says they don’t know when or if they will be back in stock.

Forget about the sanitizer, gloves and masks-kick in the production of lemon wipes!

It is absolutely astonishing to me how much I am appreciating the small things in life as of late. Not that I didn’t before, but they have taken on a whole new appreciation for me.

The green in my yard. I can’t stop staring at it!

The moments I have alone! -Granted it is 5 am, but hey, still gettin’ mine! The other day I woke at 4:30-my youngest was still up. This is what happens when you go to bed before your kids, they have no school to attend and they go in the basement where you can’t hear them. “Go to bed…now!” I yelled at him. I’m very protective of that hour I get.

Wine, margarita mix, bloody mary mix, tequila, pretty much anything with alcohol. I don’t think I have ever drank this much. I just hope I can taper when this is over. It is going to end, right????

Face time with my sister. Zoom meetings. Instagram. Calls with my mother. A random person in a grocery aisle asking me where the bleach is. Pretty much any social contact with anyone at this point.

Cartoon kid shows. And a few adult ones too. I like Fauda, Lucifer and Killing Eve.

Ahh…the little things. Like finding a box of Nutter Butters in your oldest sons room. I was wondering where those went. Mystery solved! Maybe I’ll start keeping a stash. Oh wait, I already have one. The cabinet on the side of my desk! Smart Sweets, Whisps, Bubble Gum, Wine, those yummy candles and my lemon wipes; I’m good, as long as I have my little treasures.

 

 

 

 

IT’S A WRAP

wrap

a phrase used in movie making to tell actors and crew that filming of a particular movie, etc. has finished.

When you have been working on set and you are completely exhausted, the best words you can hear are “It’s a wrap!”

Acting is not as glamorous as it appears. The days get long, you have been with the same people for awhile and you really want to get home…to well, your home. So when they say this phrase, you immediately release all emotion, tension and frustration and feel this inner joy that cannot be described.

And while you feel this freedom, there is also a trepidation with it. Even though you look forward to the ending of the project, you wonder…

Will you ever see these people again? Feel this joy, excitement and passion again?

You do not know what the future holds, all you know is that the project is over and everything that you have given your attention to for the duration of it, has now been completed.

Acting projects and relationships are very similar.

Things expire, they reach their end, and they are essentially “wrapped.” Often times we do not have control over these endings, and sometimes we do, but no matter how they wrap, we always take something with us.

Life is filled with these moments and the people who bring them to us. We cherish the ones that filled our hearts; even if for a brief moment, and release the ones who brought us pain. We grow from them and understand that not everything always works out the way we had hoped, but somehow we know we are better for it.

We embrace where we are and have a deep understanding that we are who we are and we do not need to apologize for that. We finally get that the only approval we have ever truly needed, was our own.

The journey to self love is a long and painful one, but oh how glorious to finally be able to say with conviction, “It’s a wrap” to all that no longer serves us.

 

 

 

 

 

The Moon and The Sky

moon

The Moon and The Sky 

So many of us have loved someone unconditionally. We gave our hearts, our souls, our everything, only to have our love unreciprocated.

We did not know that the person we gave our love so freely to had been damaged by their past and could not comprehend that there was no agenda with our love, it was merely our true nature.

There is a part of us that will always feel empty and a longing for what our minds told us it was, what our hearts knew to be true and what our soul beckoned for us to recognize. We didn’t look for proof, we just felt it.

At the end of the day we all have free will and we have to be bold and brave enough to accept this truth.  If a person is not where you are emotionally, there is no fault with you or them.

As painful as it is, all you can do is rise. Shine so brightly that anyone who dares to come near you will either burn from the flames or join you and become brighter.

You are the moon, the sky, the stars and the sun. Never forget that! Do not settle for less than what you deserve!

I who could, pull in all the stars above
Lay them on your feet, and I gave you my love
You are the one who got me started
You could have let me love anyone but I only wanted you
So why did he make me cry
Why didn’t you come get me one last time
You’ll always know
The reason why
We could’ve had the moon and the sky
You’ll always know
The reason why this love, reason why this love
Ain’t gon’ let you go
You let me down
Left me for alliance
A long long time ago
You left me there dying
But you’ll never let me go
You’ll always know
The reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You’ll always know
The reason why this love, reason why this love
Ain’t gon’ let you go
You’ll always know the reason, why
The song you heard, will stay on your mind
It ain’t goin’ let you go, no
Cause you have removed the light in the sky
You’ll always know
The reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You’ll always know
The reason why this love, reason why this love
Ain’t goin’ let you go
Ain’t goin’ let you go
You have the keys to car
You have every star
Everyone of them twinkling
Thinkin ’bout what you thinkin’
We have the sky fall and I gave you my love

MAGIC FINGERS

fingers

I kid you not, “Magic Fingers” is the name of a spa in Manhattan and apparently they have three locations.

On a random ad for Groupon, which I have never participated in, I saw an ad for this place offering a discounted massage. I have to tell you, at 48.00 per hour, I wondered how much more discounted it could be.

Was I skeptical? Enough to look on Yelp (which I love) and read the reviews. There were tons of them and they were all positive. Could I have found a nugget tucked away on 81st street? Going there was the only way to find out.

I have had my share of massages. I have been to the fancy; Peninsula, Elizabeth Arden, Bliss and I’m never that impressed. Aside from the nice robe and pretty room, which I only see the floor of since my face is sitting in a hole on the table, it’s pretty much wasted on me.

I like a good rub. Not too rough, not to whimpy, somewhere around Goldilocks and “just right”. I don’t care if the place is fancy or a dump, as long as the person massaging me has good hands and knows how to use them. Some times you get someone who disconnects from the massage and there is no flow.

Mentally I go over scenarios of how I should get up and leave but don’t want to offend them. Some people will disagree with me and say hey, they’re rubbing me who cares, but if someone doesn’t have a good touch, what’s the point.

I don’t like it when the masseuse talks to me either. As far as I am concerned I’m paying you money not to talk to me. I have three kids who talk me to death. The last thing I want is someone trying to sell me products while I am trying to relax. I have enough products. I have more products than I will ever use. I worked in the beauty industry!

I made my way to “Magic Fingers” and walked right past it. I was expecting…I don’t know, a spa. Something with a store front. Not a walk-up that you had to buzz to get in.

A young woman greeted me at the door and told me the person ahead of me was running behind so I would have to wait. Being the kind of person I am (who tends to let the imagination run wild) this wasn’t a good thing.

There was a coat rack with no extra hangers so I threw mine on the end of it. A bathroom was at the end of a hallway so I snooped around and noticed it was in need of a cleaning. There was also a shower in there but it didn’t look as though it was used for the customers. It had a pair of shoes in it, buckets and various cleaning supplies.

I came back out and sat in my chair and noticed all of the bamboo plants, dragons, one of those cats that waves at you and various signs in letters I couldn’t read. For all I knew they could have been a price list for what they offered. Which I was starting to wonder about.

Especially when I smelled baby oil and heard a man moaning on the other side of a curtain. Dear God! Had I come to place with a happy ending? Because if that were the case, I wasn’t going to be happy. And what would I do if in fact she started doing something that I would think was inappropriate, while she was thinking it was completely apropos? I couldn’t let myself think about it.

There appeared to be at least 3 massage tables in the room off to my left. The curtain barely closed, which if leaning properly to the left about 3 inches, one might get a peek at what was going on behind curtain number two. Oh my, gosh! My neck was so tight! If I just stretched it a little bit, I was certain it would feel better.

As I caught a glimpse of the man’s leg peeking out from under a sheet, I saw a young woman rubbing it with oil. Okay, nothing suspect there, but if she started playing peek a boo with the sheet I was going to scream. Well, probably not scream. Run!

I literally sat there for 15 minutes wondering what was going on behind both curtains. My writer’s mind getting the best of me. Did I leave? Stay? Just as I was trying to decide, a young woman came out from behind curtain number one and escorted me into curtain number 2, to the massage table furthest from the door. For this I was grateful! The last thing I needed was some nosey busy body peeking in on me!

The young woman was sweating and looked tired. I have no idea how many people they see in a week where they are open every day from 10-10 and offer a massage for 48.00 per hour, but I am sure it wears a person down. At least that is what I was hoping wore her down.

I put my face in the hole in the table and noticed a small step stool sitting directly under me. It had stains on it. There were also cleaning supplies and other bric a brac under there, but I closed my eyes and let her begin.

The timer was set and she put a towel over my back and began to massage me. After that I don’t remember much. Her hands were magic and I fell asleep. She got the knots out of my back and the tension from my neck.

At the end of the massage she rubbed my head and I thought I had died and gone to heaven. There were no pearly gates; as a matter of fact the walls were an ugly green with stains on them. But heaven none the less.

It was probably right up there with one of the least frills place I have ever been, but also right up there with one of the best massages I’ve ever gotten. Just goes to show! Sometimes we are taken in by the frills, bells and whistles and outside appearance and we forget to look for what really matters…the magic that can be contained on the inside.