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Background

the scenery or ground behind something

an inconspicuous person. shy people who try to stay in the background

the conditions that form the setting within which something is experienced

So a few weeks ago I accepted a job to do background work on a television show. It had been slow and I have been with central casting for over a year and have yet to say yes to them.  It was Law and Order so I figured the day would go quickly since they have been doing the show forever.  And of course there’s that whole Universe thing where I have to send it out there that I mean business.

I was amazed at what a culture it was. There was a whole group of people who knew one another and talked about all of the shows they had been on. They mentioned one show where the main actor doesn’t let you look at him. I not only found this hysterical, I mean, what actor doesn’t want you looking at him? It made me want to go on the show just to look at him!

You probably don’t watch shows like I do, or commercials for that matter, but I notice everything. I see people I have auditioned with and I even notice the one person in the background that is so innocuous you wouldn’t know they were there, but I know they were there and paid to do so.

Not so many of us are willing to fade into the background and be some bystander who just allows life to happen, but when you have been on this God forsaken journey as long as I have, you kind of resign to it. There are days when you scream for mercy

But the Universe won’t have any of that, so you just keep chasing pavements and entertaining your wild thoughts hoping it will get better.

Like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower, looking for a little sustenance, a hope, a sign to continue on this tireless journey which seems to lead to nowhere.  With hardly anyone in sight to help you or anyone who understands what the hell has happened to you, you long for someone who is anything but a fairweather friend.  But sadly, neither a Spiderman, a caveman or a candyman is gonna help you.

This is when you realize that some strangelove of sorts has taken over your every fiber and all you can do is just be. Just be. Just exist. Just allow. Just observe.

So much happens in the background. When you observe you see it all. Sometimes what we see isn’t what we had hoped for. Sometimes what we see hurts us to the core and other times it liberates us.

But once you’ve got this message under your skin you feel at peace and often feel the urge to whistle. Because you realize that you really are unforgettable and anyone who is vibing on the same plane you are, will just get that.

This journey can be really lonely and you can often feel like you are some extra working a spot in a scene, watching it all unfold. But that’s okay. Anyone on this journey is not here to worry about what others think and we know deep within that we are anything but background workers. We are here to be stars

To shine brightly, be the light in a time of darkness and be the embodiment of unconditional love so that others may follow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You’re Fine!

“There’s no panacea, that in order to be balanced or feel closer to fine it’s okay to draw from this or to draw from that, to draw from a bunch of different sources. So it’s about being confused but looking for the answers, and in the end knowing that you’re going to be fine. No seeking just one definitive answer.” – Emily Saliers

This song came on the radio the other day and it got me thinking about a spiritual journey/awakening. When you start this path you have no idea where to turn. It can seem as if you are living in an alternate reality because people around you look at you like you’re speaking a different language when you speak outside of their beliefs, especially if they are ones you once held.

You might even try and tell them about what is happening, maybe even preach a little about what they are doing wrong, since you are now awakened to a completely different way of looking at things. This is when we veer off the path though because it’s not our job to shove our beliefs in someone’s face who isn’t ready to hear them. It’s best to start living your own truth and watch how others respond. You might lose some people along the way and it’s painful. Yeah, this journey can be a pretty lonely one. But stay the course. The rewards far outweigh the losses.

There is no end to this journey so don’t think just because you get to one place you’re done.  It keeps going. For this reason you have to take breaks. If you have a family this can be a challenge but you have to find the time to nurture yourself.
Go with the flow, do not try and control anything or anyone. Control is your ego thinking it knows what is best. When you react instead of responding to a person or situation, that is your ego at work. Respond as often as you can. There really is a difference.
When we are triggered we generally react. This is your souls way of alerting you to inner work that needs to be done. It’s not another person thing, it’s a you thing. They are just the messenger alerting you to an unhealed area you need to work on. Don’t shoot them with a sharp tongue and words that you will later regret.  Be grateful for the interaction. I’m not going to lie-this is a tough one. This has something that has kept me imprisoned in a cell of my own making called lack of self worth. But I have finally found the key and you will too if you haven’t already. Love the self.
Awake each day and say aloud the things you are grateful for. It could be as small as the new coffee you discovered or for the health of your family or for waking in the first place.
Meditate. Close your damn eyes for at least 5 minutes and breathe. The more you concentrate on hearing your breath, the less distracting all of the thoughts in your head are. Do yoga if you can. It’s another great way to listen to your breath.
I don’t breathe enough. Most of us probably don’t. I noticed the other day that I was short of breath, so now I actually sit still and force myself to breathe deeply. I know that an open heart is a healthy one, which means I can give freely of my love without holding back. I wonder how long the damn thing has been closed! Scary!
I am working hard on doing nothing. God is it hard! I have fought myself for the greater part of my life thinking I always had to do something. I was wrong. Being present in every moment is doing enough. Try it and see what I mean.
Read books from people who are on this journey and have gone through the same things. You can’t talk about this path to everyone cause if they are’t on it they might look at you like you have seven heads. It’s best to do your work and trust that you are being lead to a place of wholeness.
Think of it this way: the more you love yourself, the more you can love others. The people in your life will notice the changes in you; hopefully for the better. If someone thinks your spiritual growth is hindering their life, then you need to enforce some boundaries. It might be hard at first, but once you realize the love of yourself is vital in order for you to love anyone else, it gets easier.
My favorite author at present is Matt Kahn. I have watched his You Tube videos and have both of his books. He is absolutely impossible to watch if you’re not ready, so if you find yourself getting frustrated with what he is saying, give it some space and come back. I have actually gone back and watched him after taking a break (which is vital on this journey) and heard him in a whole new light.
Every day changes. Some days I feel like I am going backwards and haven’t evolved at all. Today is a good one. I think I am finally getting it. My job is to love myself so much that nothing and no one can rattle me. I am here to bring unconditional love not only to myself but to everyone I come in contact with.

The world is in dire need of love.  So if you are reading this, then you must be on the same journey with me. Matt Kahn calls it the Love Revolution. I have embraced this path with animals for as long as I can remember, but it is now time for me to give back on an even bigger scale.
Whatever calls to your soul is the right call to answer. Remember that there are no wrong ways on the path to enlightenment. If I had to simplify it, I would liken it to being lost at sea or at least thinking that you are and then realizing you had oars in the belly of the boat the whole time that could have gotten you home, all you had to do was open your eyes and look within.
So look within! Know without a doubt that you are unique, you have something to offer and you are here to raise the vibration of our world with one act of kindness at a time. But it all begins with being kind to yourself first.
I’m tryin’ to tell you somethin’ ’bout my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you’ve ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
It’s only life after all, yeah
Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety ’til I sank it
I’m crawling on your shores
And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-Grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine, yeah
I stopped by the bar at three A.M.
To seek solace in a bottle, or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I’d been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
We go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountain
Yeah, we go to the Bible, we go through the work out
We read up on revival, we stand up for the lookout
There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine, yeah

 

Strength

the quality or state of being strong

a good or beneficial quality or attribute of a person or thing

Often times when we stand up for something we believe in we can be perceived as selfish, pushy or maybe just a bitch or prick, depending on who you’re exerting your will to.

This is a common misunderstanding and something that people who are sensitive can fall prey to. We tend to put others ahead of ourselves to the point of not honoring who we are or what we want and when we have finally had enough, others aren’t so keen to go along with it.

A few weeks ago I came into a situation just like this. I wasn’t in the mood to have an argument about the past because quite frankly it did’t serve me or the person wanting to go there with me. It was just a way for this person to try and disempower me. But I’m too awake to fall asleep again.

There are always two choices to every situation. You can engage or not. Often times the most powerful option is to do nothing. There are people who want to stay on the merry go round of blame and as long as you engage, you’re riding it right along with them.

This is where you really need to find your strength. That inner power that knows what it knows and feels very strongly about not being lead down some old road with pot holes on it.

I mean really! How many times do you have to fall in a hole to realize it takes too much effort to get out of it? It’s much easier to avoid them altogether. This is power/strength not weakness.

You know the saying, “People don’t change.” But I personally don’t agree with that. I do believe people are capable of great change, but they have to want it and most importantly they have to put their ego aside and the need to blame.

If life is calling you to make changes, no matter who they will effect, then find the inner strength to do so. Turn off the committee in your head and find the strength to honor yourself instead of the people who are keeping you imprisoned with their needs.

Aren’t you just as important?  Don’t you deserve to be honored the way you have honored others? Of course you do! You are worthy and you deserve to be treated with the respect and love you give so freely to others.

If someone isn’t bringing authenticity, acceptance and a whole lot of love to the table, then go eat elsewhere.

 

 

 

 

Honoring The Self

We have all grown up in families where certain expectations were put upon us that we managed to maintain, despite how difficult they may have been.

At first you just went along with the program. The people in charge were people you trusted, so there was no need to question what they told you.

As the years passed and you started to see people outside your  home doing things in different ways, you may have started to question your personal experience, maybe even measure it up against someone else’s.

You got a little older and questioned it more because you started to form opinions and emotions that could be very overwhelming. Maybe you even got brave and asked your parents some questions which they may have taken as confrontation. Who did you think you were to question what they said or did? You probably backed down, regretted opening your mouth and conformed to their beliefs because you didn’t want to be admonished again.

Maybe you even did what I did and kept the peace. I got so good at it that I put others ahead of myself over and over again. Their feelings became more important than mine because I didn’t want to upset anyone and consequently I wound up feeling unworthy.

As I write this now and think back on my life, I can see how most of the time I was’t even the one running my life. When you become a person who pleases others, the people who prey on people like you just seem to find you.

Generally when you’re a giving person, a taker will be right there to help grab all that goodness. The problem is, they rarely give back. And if they do, they don’t let you forget it. Quid pro quo is the name of the game.

Once you start doing some reflection on your life and the players in it, you might get angry for having been taken advantage of. Then of course you realize you allowed it and the anger turns towards yourself.

But we need not be angry about it. What we need to do is understand that every person who enters our life is an exact mirror of how we feel about ourselves. The more you can understand this concept and really take it in, the more you will start to honor yourself first and then only people who honor themselves will find you. You won’t even have to go looking for them.

Recently someone from my past wanted to take a trip down memory lane and engage me in an argument.  Only their memories are far different from mine, which is often the case. You cannot heal old wounds when people refuse to acknowledge their part in creating them. Besides, I have worked too hard on myself to revisit the past and I don’t see the point in doing so. It’s the past. I live in the now. If you want to meet me there, we’re good.

When this person tried to go there with me, I simply said, “I don’t have to listen to this” and got up and left. I didn’t feel the need to tell my story or hear theirs because I have no ego. The ego wants to engage. It has to be right and prove others wrong. But who are we to say who is wrong? Everyone experiences a situation differently and the ego will always tell you that your experience is the one that is right.

But we don’t need to be right. We just need to be happy.

I have healed that part of my life but their projection onto me was a clear indicator that they had not. People will do this to you. Project their unhealed shit onto you. Often times they are mad at someone else, but you are the one who was taught to put others ahead of yourself when you were younger and they are still holding onto the part of you that did.

You can tell they are projecting because you won’t feel the need to engage. It’s a moment when you realize they are so angry (which is just an emotion they use to hide real pain) over time lost and they are incapable of taking accountability themselves, so they attack you; the person who was conditioned to play the scapegoat.

But you’re no longer willing to play that role. You’re now the star of your life, not the background or understudy.

You can’t get back time, so why keep going there? You have to take what you have today and make the best of it. If people won’t accept who you are now, then they aren’t people worth having in your life. I don’t care who they are.

When someone wants to be with you, they are with you. End of fucking story! They accept you for who you are, where you are on your journey and don’t judge you. They don’t make excuses, they don’t blame, shame or ridicule. They just show up and accept you completely just the way you are because they love you.

Honor yourself first and see who falls away. The ones who stay are the only ones who matter.

 

 

Invincible

too powerful to be defeated or overcome.

INVINCIBLE

How invincible are you? I’m feeling pretty gangster these days. Ole Pat Benatar was right. Life is a mystery and we never know where its taking us. There seems to be some grand plan we are not made aware of  and despite our best efforts to try and control the outcome, this seems to be when we get thwarted most.

Won’t anybody help us? Hell to the no! Had to learn that the hard and painful way. It’s all you baby. If you’re on this path of enlightenment it’s a lonely one. Not too many people get it. Look around you! You don’t have to look far. Most people are in a coma!

The key to transcending anything is looking within instead of out. Get triggered much? I used to all the time. I felt like everyone was a lesson. Now when I get triggered I realize I don’t want to be attached to “that” whatever “that” is, so I sit down with pen and paper and write down why something someone said bothered me and do the exact opposite. I am gonna keep doing this till there is nothing left to write.

Because life has a way of smashing us in the face with a brick or throwing us to the pavement when we ignore things that bother us and tell ourselves it will go away. When we keep doing the same shit we get the same shit and unless you like that shit, don’t do it. Life is always trying to lead us down the best possible path, it’s our egos that thwart us and I don’t know about you, but I don’t much care for the feel of bricks or gravel, so I just roll with it now.

With the power of conviction there is no sacrifice, meaning stay the course and don’t waver from it. What’s the course? Love the self! Love  yourself so much that nothing else matters. Do not allow fear to get in the way. Fear is a fucking monster. It is the reason we never reach our potential, have the life we deserve or get off the couch and go for what we want.

It’s a do or die situation if you want what you want. You cannot let fear keep you from being invincible. I skin faded my son’s hair on Tuesday. I only learned how to hold a clipper a week ago! Was I scared? Absolutely! He is graduating today and the last thing I wanted him to be was bald. I didn’t sleep the night before but I knew I would be okay. I was committed to a great outcome and at the end of the day, it’s just hair.

You have to get to a place of trust and know without a doubt that you will be lead exactly where you need to be in divine timing. There’s that word! Divine timing. I fucking hated those words for the longest time. Who the hell is this divine and why do they, he or she get to decide when I get what I want?

Well if you have been on this journey as long as I have, you start to understand that you are the divine. I am the divine. We all are. We have to become one with ourselves. We have to love all parts of us, not just the ones that everyone else notices. And in doing so we begin to co-create with the divine outside of ourselves, spirit, God, Universe, whatever you want to call it.

When we become whole within ourselves, we don’t feel the need or acceptance from anything or anyone. We don’t feel lonely and we don’t yearn for something outside of ourselves because we know we are complete. We are invincible.

What are you waiting for?

Never Say Never

NEVER SAY NEVER

Love this song! It never gets old.

Heard it today on the job-well not really the job. Let’s face it, I’m having fun for six hours. Two years ago I would have told you I would NEVER step into a barbershop, let alone work in one.

Now look at me! I look at men all day now (not like that) and can kind of gauge if it’s a one, a two or skin fade.  I mean come on, me saying the words, “skin fade”. It’s laughable. But I’m learning how to do one.

I’m loving it! I have clippers-a Wahl and an Oster. I have a balder (never knew there was such a thing, never thought a man would want one used on him!) I have clipper attachments! I actually get excited about getting clipper guards!  And I have a straight razor. I might be considered dangerous with all of the weaponry that’s on me.

But I digress. This post is about never saying never. It just doesn’t serve you. You should be open to all that life has to offer you at any given moment and embrace everything that comes your way.  Instead of worrying about that what ifs and all of the other bs, make your new motto be, “Bring it!”

Don’t say never to anything. Think about anything you have said never to. Maybe it’s a job, a creative endeavor, a person. What if that never was something that was actually good for you? What if that never was the beginning of a really creative future? And what if that never was just your ego trying to get in the way of what you really wanted?

The best way to find your purpose, passion or love is to look at what scares you most. We sabotage ourselves before we ever get started because our ego talks us out of it. We take the safe route, the one that is expected of us, the one that is familiar.  We say that what we really want will never happen because we don’t believe that we are worthy of it.

But we are. Every single one of us.

NEVER SAY NEVER!!!

Judgement

an act or instance of judging.

the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind.

You can tell when you are feeling judged because there is an uneasy feeling you get deep in your gut. Maybe your face turns red, you sweat a little bit, talk like your tongue is tied because no matter what you say you will be saying the wrong thing, or maybe you don’t say anything at all! You dim your light so others can shine theirs and in doing so you become Tinkerbell before Peter saves her.

I spent time with family last week and when we are together family issues come up. Or should I say unresolved family issues. My family is not perfect and I don’t know one that is, but coming from divorced parents who remarried people comes with its own set of judgement.

If I recounted story after story of how I felt passed over, disregarded and abandoned by those I trusted most in the world, then I would’t be able to get out of bed every day. There was a time in my twenties when I didn’t because I was so depressed, but bills had to be paid so it didn’t last long. And I had a great friend named Sue who wouldn’t let me wallow in my misery.

At that time and for many years afterwards, I fell into situations where I felt judged. My hair was the wrong color, I had the wrong profession, I wasn’t smart enough to get a real job, so I did hair, I wasn’t college educated, I had been married, I had been divorced, the list went on and on.

The person who judged me the hardest was me. After awhile I believed so little in myself that no one even had to say a word because I came up with reasons to be judged all on my own so consequently the people I met only perpetuated them. No matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough so I determined that I wasn’t good enough.

I carried this belief with me well into my thirties and even into my forties. The person who writes this blog with these words is not the same person who felt judged. I consciously choose to not judge others because I no longer care to be judged myself.

When we judge someone we are condemning them. We are in fact saying that what we are doing is right and what they are doing is wrong and thus, we are better than they are.

When we judge someone, we put them on the defense. How can they not be? You are essentially saying I don’t trust your opinion or your views and I think you make bad decisions and choices.

We have all felt this from someone in our lives. It may have gotten so bad that we avoid the person or people at all cost. We may have avoided them so long that the relationship is not only fractured, that damn thing is never going to mend no matter what kind of cast you put on it. And that’s okay. You cannot mend relationships with people who are too busy judging you.

Learn to love and value yourself above anything else and you will no longer feel the need to judge. You can release the anger, release the need for punishment and release all of the garbage that no longer serves you. It’s done it’s job. Be free!Be happy! And enjoy where you are at right now. It’s all you ever have.