Mirror Mirror

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Man In The Mirror

I’m a sucker for Disney movies! I watched Snow White this week and as the evil step mother looks into the mirror and asks, “Who is the fairest of them all?” I had a revelation.

I used to hear the word “mirroring” all the time when I was forced on this spiritual journey. You know what I mean by that because, well, you don’t really have a choice. Once you start seeing things differently there’s no not seeing them, so you have to just keep going.

I digress.

I would hear spiritual teachers say, “You don’t like that person because they are mirroring something back to you.” What did that even mean? The more I thought about it, the more confused I got.

I mean, there were some women in my life with a resting bitch face that could be sold on Halloween. And the men? Equally as ugly. They disregarded me, treated me as though I were beneath them or tried to control me, just to make their disempowered selves feel  more powerful. Was I them? As hard as I tried to see it, I just didn’t, because I knew I was nice, so I couldn’t grasp how I attracted so many meanies into my life.

Well, it took me a very long time to get this one, so I am going to share it with you just in case you are wondering what the people (we’ll call them mirrors) you are looking into are really reflecting back to you. (You should get excited now..this is a game changer!)

They are mirroring YOUR unhealed wounds. Things that happened to you in your childhood. You see, at some point in your childhood, someone either made you feel less than, disregarded, abandoned, unsafe, bullied, controlled, disempowered, unloved, and plain old not good enough. All of the big ones!

And because no one cared what your feelings were, you were just a child after all and what kind of a voice were you allowed to have…you learned to stuff it all inside. And now, years later, you’re wondering why you keep attracting the same boss, the same men, the same women. Blah blah ad nauseam.

This little kid, now a grown ass adult, has been trying to get your attention for a long time. But you keep shoving it down, ignoring its pleas and outright dismissing any wrong doing to it, much like the adults in your life did to you. But now the little kid has had it, so all of that pain is surfacing, begging to be healed once for all, by way of the asshole standing in front of you, making you feel horrible.

This is mirroring. You are not, nor have you ever been this horrible person who is making you feel bad. This person who puts you down, embarrasses you, makes nasty comments, tries to control you, takes advantage of you, lies to you or maybe even dismisses you altogether, is someone from your childhood.

Your response in your body is a telltale sign that you are being triggered by them and is an opportunity for you to finally listen to that little kid who was shut down. The way you feel when you are around this person, their tone of voice or something they say, the way they look at you or even roll their eyes when you talk, are all clues that this mirroring is happening to you.

Your unhealed traumas from childhood show up in random people as a gift. I know that sounds ridiculous, but once you see these people for who they are, you will no longer be controlled by them. You can look at each of them as a door that is opening, until finally that little kid is set free.

Who were when you came into this world, before the adults in your life gave THEIR shit to you? I’ll tell you…amazing, limitless, lovable, strong, talented, brilliant, beautiful and innocent.  Take that back! You have the key, but as long as you keep holding onto the stories that were given to you, instead of making your own, you will attract the same people who disempower you, until you do.

The step mother in Snow White saw this purity in her step daughter and she was jealous of it. People who put you down, treat you poorly and judge you are really jealous of you because they see all of these qualities in you but do not know how to give it to themselves, so they take yours instead.

We all possess beauty, inner beauty. There is no need to disparage someone else to have it. If someone is doing this to you, then it is because you have unhealed childhood wounds that are needing attention.

There is no need to look at people who don’t love you unconditionally anymore. We’re done with that! Lesson learned! And if you haven’t yet gotten it, then ask yourself what it is they are showing you that needs to be healed. Do you love yourself enough to finally get this?

See all of those people as alerts: “Danger Will Robinson!” your inner child is saying, begging you to look at it, hear it, help it.  We only ever attract people into our lives who mirror how we feel about ourselves on the inside. Does that make sense? I hope so!

Stop looking for mirrors, unless you’re doing your makeup or hair. Look within! That is where all of your answers are and your freedom too.

Attachments

an extra part or extension that is or can be attached to something to perform a particular function.

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While an attachment such as a paper clip might be a necessity to keep something together, attachments in relationships are detrimental.

At first you may not even notice there are attachments to your new love interest’s affection, the friend you make at work or a family member, but once you awaken, you start to realize that when they do something for you, you are expected to do something in return.

Any form of attachment or clause, isn’t authentic. At it’s core, it is a relationship with conditions that are based on control. A vicious cycle of tit for tat that has absolutely no end, until you realize what is going on and call it quits.

People who have relationships based on attachments live in a world of fear. A scarcity mindset. They are so afraid of showing any type of emotion, that they keep you at bay by making you feel bad for having any at all.

Have you ever tried to express your feelings to someone who has attachments to their attention?  It’s like you are speaking different languages altogether. The more you express the more their eyes glaze over and pretty soon you are consumed with frustration, wondering why  you even broached the subject at all.

Actually, what was the subject? You’ve forgotten now because they bamboozled you into thinking your rational expectation of having real feelings be exchanged was made out to be an unrealistic one.

Relationships built on trust, mutual respect and integrity  have no conditions, except for trust, mutual respect and integrity. It is based on the premise that  I do for you because I want to, not because I expect something in return. I do for you simply because it feels good and I want to help you. I buy something for you because I see it, know you would like it and I remember you telling me how much you wanted it.

Relationships with attachments are the exact opposite. These dysfunctional behaviors are taught to us as children. If we do not work on these inner wounds, we will attract people into our lives who have attachments similar to the ones we grew up with.

It’s absolutely maddening, since you swore you would never ever live with the shit you hated as a child.

I see this so clearly now. Since the age of 12 I lived with conditions around love. Up until then I never questioned love or the price people make you pay for it. But when divorce hit my home and my parents remarried, love came with a hefty price.

While I hated what was being asked of me, by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, keep me safe and protect me, I went along. They were my parents. I knew it was wrong, but as a child, we feel powerless and therefore we succumb to the unacceptable.

Attachments to love abounded. ‘Keep the peace” “Just say you’re sorry, even if you don’t mean it” “Make things easy on me, just get along with everyone” “Don’t you love me? If you loved me, you would do this for me” These were the messages that I absorbed about love, at the most influential age.

I am older now and have done extensive inner work to heal the past. The people who have been in my life since that time were merely a reflection of the program I carried about love and my belief of it.

These patterns continue throughout our lives until we say enough. Enough already! Do you really want to continue to attract a relationship with conditions? No! You want love! The good shit!

So…ask yourself where in your life you are accepting less than what you really want and know you deserve.

The only way to make effective change in your life is to change yourself. You will never, ever change a person who loves with attachments. Ever! They are incapable of love on your level.

Save your energy and love yourself with the same devotion and level of commitment you have given someone who does not deserve it. You are worthy of it.