Why We Say I’m Sorry When We Don’t Mean It

I’ve been saying I’m sorry since I was 12. Probably longer actually. Sorry for this, sorry for that. I didn’t even know why I was saying I was sorry, I just knew it was expected of me, so I did it, else I would be ignored.

Even now I still find myself saying I am sorry, even when I don’t know what I have done wrong. But I am also keenly aware of the fact that if I do not say sorry, then it will cost me relationships.

This love with conditions has hindered my and my relationships for most of my life. Even when I feel completely broken and down-trodden, I find myself apologizing for feeling that way, in order to keep people in my life.

I was taught, conditioned rather, that in order to get someone’s love, you had to hold back everything you felt. To “keep the peace” if you will. I wasn’t allowed to have emotions or a voice, so you can imagine how well it has gone over since I found a voice and refuse to play by these rules any longer.

It’s a rather strange dynamic when you stop playing by these unspoken rules. Those who still adhere to them rally around one another and find fault with anyone who doesn’t. People who play the victim and take no responsibility for their actions (no matter how heinous), will always find people to validate their feelings. It’s called co-dependency. There is no growth in co-dependence, only more judgement and ridicule of others.

I find it rather interesting that people who need to say they are sorry, seldom do. Is it because they don’t feel like they have done anything wrong or is because they know they have and admitting so would take them down a rabbit hole they may never surface from, so blaming others and projecting all of that unhealed stuff onto sensitive people is easier.

If you are sensitive, people who never say they are sorry know this. They also know exactly what buttons to push to make you feel bad, too. I mean, if you have been the punching bag your whole life and it has made others feel better, why would they stop punching you now.

They won’t, unless you make them. In order to do this, you have to stop saying you are sorry for their ill treatment of you. Sometimes setting boundaries with people is the only thing you can do, especially with those who take no accountability.

Think about what you are saying sorry for the next time you feel like you should say it. Is it authentic or is it conditioning in order to gain someone’s love? Remember, unconditional love has no conditions, love with them is overwrought with manipulation and control.


I’m not talking about municipal, savings or corporate bonds, I am talking about the bonds between people and how they are created and maintained.

Have you ever noticed that when you have good news to share, no one reacts or responds to it the way you wished, had hoped, maybe even expected them to?

Think about it. When was the last time you shared some really good news about something you did and got the bare minimum of enthusiasm. But when you had some bad news, boy oh boy did people rally around you.

It’s interesting isn’t it? People love to bond over bad news, but not so much the good kind.

If you talk about the state of the world right now with a person who thinks all is gloom and doom and you share the same view, you will bond instantly with them. You’ll feel like they get you, they hear you, they see where you are coming from and you will both feel understood, validated even, in your opinions.

If you take the opposite view with someone who thinks all is gloom and doom, you will clash. They will probably disagree with you, argue with you about it, or dismiss you altogether. But that’s not your reality. Your reality is that things aren’t that bad and you trust that they will get better, so that is where your focus is.

But because you aren’t responding or reacting the way in which they expect you to, you will be seen as insensitive. Everyone who agrees with their view of the world being at a loss will be seen as a saint, even people who aren’t so saintly. They will bond all day long about this topic and you’ll probably come up in a conversation or two about how outlandish your beliefs are. But talking with others about people who don’t agree with your views or respond in the way you do doesn’t strengthen bonds, it severs them.

Why do we so easily bond over bad news? Does it give us an opportunity to make us feel good about ourselves? Is it because it makes us feel better that someone else is going through it this time instead of us? Are we able to find empathy because a person in need makes us feel more needed? Does it give us an opportunity to be there for someone when we haven’t been there otherwise?

And why do we find it more difficult to bond with someone who is doing well? Are we threatened by them? Do they make us feel inadequate? Jealous? Envious? Lacking somehow? We don’t want to feel any of these things, but somehow other people’s success can do this to us. We won’t admit this of course, so it’s easier to act like we care very little about their accomplishments and care far more about their failures instead.

If a person is doing well, often times they won’t even share their news with others. This is because they have shared good news before and didn’t get the response they had hoped for, so they save their good news for those who share the same passion.

Interesting isn’t it? A bad news bonder expects one reaction and if they don’t get it they are disappointed and a good news bonder expects another reaction and if they don’t get that, they are also disappointed. But neither of them will ever get it from one another. So how do two opposing bonders, bond?

In order to maintain a bond, they have to be willing to accept that not everyone is going to respond to their news the way they do and be okay with it. All that really matters, is that they come from a loving place and respond in the best way they know how or are capable of. If we expect more or find ourselves disappointed by their response, then instead of telling others about it, we have to be honest with them and let them know instead.

And if we can’t be honest with someone about what we want or need from them without it being met with backlash, anger, manipulation or find ourselves actually apologizing after expressing ourselves, then it’s probably not a bond worth keeping.