Why We Say I’m Sorry When We Don’t Mean It

I’ve been saying I’m sorry since I was 12. Probably longer actually. Sorry for this, sorry for that. I didn’t even know why I was saying I was sorry, I just knew it was expected of me, so I did it, else I would be ignored.

Even now I still find myself saying I am sorry, even when I don’t know what I have done wrong. But I am also keenly aware of the fact that if I do not say sorry, then it will cost me relationships.

This love with conditions has hindered my and my relationships for most of my life. Even when I feel completely broken and down-trodden, I find myself apologizing for feeling that way, in order to keep people in my life.

I was taught, conditioned rather, that in order to get someone’s love, you had to hold back everything you felt. To “keep the peace” if you will. I wasn’t allowed to have emotions or a voice, so you can imagine how well it has gone over since I found a voice and refuse to play by these rules any longer.

It’s a rather strange dynamic when you stop playing by these unspoken rules. Those who still adhere to them rally around one another and find fault with anyone who doesn’t. People who play the victim and take no responsibility for their actions (no matter how heinous), will always find people to validate their feelings. It’s called co-dependency. There is no growth in co-dependence, only more judgement and ridicule of others.

I find it rather interesting that people who need to say they are sorry, seldom do. Is it because they don’t feel like they have done anything wrong or is because they know they have and admitting so would take them down a rabbit hole they may never surface from, so blaming others and projecting all of that unhealed stuff onto sensitive people is easier.

If you are sensitive, people who never say they are sorry know this. They also know exactly what buttons to push to make you feel bad, too. I mean, if you have been the punching bag your whole life and it has made others feel better, why would they stop punching you now.

They won’t, unless you make them. In order to do this, you have to stop saying you are sorry for their ill treatment of you. Sometimes setting boundaries with people is the only thing you can do, especially with those who take no accountability.

Think about what you are saying sorry for the next time you feel like you should say it. Is it authentic or is it conditioning in order to gain someone’s love? Remember, unconditional love has no conditions, love with them is overwrought with manipulation and control.

Where Are You Swimming and Who is it With?

“A shark in a fish tank will grow 8 inches, but in the ocean it will grow to 8 feet or more. The shark will never outgrow its environment and the same is true about you. Many times we’re around small thinking people so we don’t grow. Change your environment and watch your growth.”

It’s pretty scary to stand on the shore of the ocean and think about diving in and swimming all by yourself. It’s mysterious, beautiful, haunting, inviting and intimidating all at once.

We might be a bit intimidated by the enormity of it, but a shark thinks nothing of swimming there. It knows it thrives there and that it is at home.

But what of people who have outgrown their environment and the people in it? Where do they go? What do they do? It’s a real predicament because while they have become conditioned to swimming in a bowl, they know if they stay there, all that they desire and dream about will never be obtained. You see, it is impossible to dream big in an environment and with people who dream small.

People who fear this change will remain in the bowl, no matter how uncomfortable or unhappy they are. But those brave souls who feel called to do more and be more, know they have no choice but to leave because staying in the bowl is keeping them small when they have the potential to be really big.

If you have outgrown your environment or the people in it, you know you can no longer swim in the bowl. This is going to greatly upset those in the bowl who are content with the way things are. There will be questioning, backlash, and many attempts to make you feel guilty or responsible for them somehow, just to keep you in the bowl. This is by design.

Have you ever noticed that when you are doing well, someone comes along and distracts you? I recently heard this brilliant woman who has an Instagram account called, “The Quietest Revolution” explain it like this: one of the easiest ways to get someone to consistently and constantly fail, is to distract them. Who is always distracting you when you are doing well? I bet it’s someone swimming in the bowl that you have outgrown.

Love with conditions wants to keep you in a bowl you’ve outgrown. Love without them wants you to keep swimming and actually encourages you to. Love without conditions is not bothered by the changes in you, they are intrigued and maybe even inspired to do the same.

So if you currently find yourself standing at the edge of the ocean right now, with no one by your side, you must have gone through some pretty tough stuff. And while others may question what you are doing or try and stop you, you feel a sense of calm and you no longer feel the need to explain yourself to anyone.

This is freedom. Freedom from caring what others think and knowing that anyone who really loves you wants what is best for you, not what keeps them feeling comfortable.

You are not here to play small. And staying in the bowl with people who are threatened by your playing big is not only doing yourself a disservice, it is doing them and the world one as well.

So go ahead…dive into that ocean! Allow yourself to swim without barriers, boundaries and restrictions and watch with wonder where it takes you.