Doors

HOGLP4MU

a doorway.

When my middle son was looking at choices for colleges it was clear to me which was the best option for him. But being that I am the type of mom who likes my children to empower themselves and make their own choices, I said nothing.

Until he was struggling with the doors he had in front of him. So many of the doors were gilded and full of shit, while others weren’t as fancy but would provide a fine experience for him.

Then there was the one door that had been wide open the moment he started the process. They gave him the highest scholarship, was the first one to want him, and sent him all kinds of school rah rah trying to get him to commit. But he wasn’t feeling it.

In fact, he closed the door. Pursued other doors. He took himself on this exhausting trip of not feeling good enough until finally, I showed him the door again. The one that was decorated in rainbows, throwing dollar bills at him and welcoming him with open arms.

“This is a door that wants you.” I said. “All you have to do is walk through it.” And so he did. Sight unseen, he will be attending the Kelley Business School in the fall.

Life is filled with doors. There are those doors with bright colors and ornate handles that we walk through, thinking all of the glory in the world will be on the other side of it, only to find that it was nothing more than a facade. Not only was it a facade, it wasn’t even wood, that shit was particle board.

So you try another door. A little more solid looking. It’s painted white, seemingly stable, but you walk through that door and the crazy is rampant. It hid all of it’s dysfunction, pretended to be something else and you’re running for the exit.

Then there’s the door that was open. It was welcoming, maybe even pursued you, sort of out of left field, and yet you looked at that door and thought, “It’s too easy.” “There must be something wrong with it.” “What’s the catch?” “I’m not ready for this.” “I don’t want it.”

So you slammed that door and left all that it had to offer. Now after visiting all of the other doors, you are thinking back on that door and wondering why you didn’t walk through it. Maybe you’re even wondering if it’s still possible to do so. How do you walk through a door that you previously slammed?

The answer is, you just do! You can always revisit a door you chose to close at one time. Remember…you are the one who chose to do so, so in order to revisit that door, you have to approach it, ring the bell, pound on it, whatever you do when you go to a door, just do that and witness the door re-opening to you.

Do we really need to open a thousand knobs in order to get to a place of knowing what serves our highest good? Well, if you’re one of those, then keep knocking, I like walking through doors, because the more doors I walk through, the more opportunities I get.

It’s pretty simple and need not be complicated. It’s a door. Simply approach the fucking thing. And don’t tell me fear is keeping you from it. That’s bunk! I face doors everyday. I simply buzz the door, turn the knob and show up because it brings me joy.

I am not afraid of rejection because there is no such thing. A door that was previously opened to you can never be fully closed. Unless of course you keep it that way.  A door that was previously closed to you can always be opened, but sometimes we need it to be cracked just a bit so we know it’s okay to approach it again.

Doors are awesome! I took photos of them in Paris because they were so unique. We are all doors really. It’s the face we show the world. Hopefully your door reflects who you are internally, and if it doesn’t, do some repairs, it’s not someone else’s job to fix you.

And if you’re good, keeping walking through the doors that inspire you and make you happy. Slam the ones that’s don’t.

 

 

 

Apology

a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

It’s Too Late To Apologize

Is it ever too late to apologize? I’ll leave that answer up to you.

The other day I got released from a really big job. My manager (the most amazing woman ever) apologized to me. It was completely unnecessary because that’s just the nature of the business, but she knows how hard I work and understood what it meant to me. She followed it up with a “I  believe in you.” It was truly heartfelt and I appreciated her acknowledgement of me as a person and an artist and the struggles that we go through.

But sometimes people apologize and don’t mean it. If you’re one of those, you should know that an apology without meaning is really manipulation. Have you ever had someone say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is the worst apology of all because it really isn’t one. What it is, is a passive aggressive way of saying I’ll let you think I am acknowledging your feelings, when really I don’t give a crap about them at all.

I have had a few turdy people do some pretty shitty things to me in my life and I have never expected an apology from any of them nor do I want one. An empty person can only beget an empty apology which leaves you feeling emptier, and I don’t know about you, but I would rather be at a table with those who bring something to it, in lieu of those who only know how to take.

Here are my thoughts on an apology.:

1)An apology is not a confession. If you’re confessing, you’re only thinking of yourself and not the person you are apologizing to.

2)An apology should not be done with an expectation either. This is called an agenda and an agenda is all about you.

3)An apology is not some magic pill that you think is going to make you feel better once you do it. You’re swimming back in the me waters again. Save that shit for the confessional!

4)An apology should not be done because you think it will make things better in a situation, like a family thing. This is called acting. A person in touch with another person’s feelings will know when they need to say they are sorry, it won’t be scripted.

5)An apology is not something that requires the right time or the right circumstance. If you think this way, then you live in denial, because there is no much thing.

In it’s simplest form, an apology is the acknowledgement of another person’s feelings and how you may have trampled all over them. In order to know this, you have to have empathy. You have to have the ability to understand the feelings of someone else and be able to share those feelings openly and honestly. If you can’t do that, then don’t bother with an apology because it won’t be taken as one. (See 1-5 for where you are coming from).

But there are those times when we think we might need to apologize to someone, when it isn’t necessary at all. I think these apologies are from our own guilt because we know we did something that may have upset someone else, but it wasn’t intentional. An apology with an energy of fear or trepidation around it might be some program you’re running which has absolutely nothing at all to do with the person you think you need to apologize to, and you might want to look further into that.

My gauge for apologizing is simple. If I can see, hear or sense that I have upset someone in my life that I care about, then I do not hesitate. The relationships I have are far more important to me than my ego, so I acknowledge my part in someone else’s sadness, anger or frustration because my heart becomes lighter when I do so. A heavy heart is a burdened one; let that shit go.

Relationships that matter to us aren’t always easy. Sometimes things are said or weren’t said, and we wish we could go back and do things differently. But living in the past doesn’t work for anyone because it’s over. It is the present that counts.

Our time, our energy, our attention lets the people we care about know that we hear them, see them and understand them and that no matter what is going on in our world, we honor them by noticing what is going on in theirs as well.

And at the end of the day, that’s all any of us really want, isn’t it? To be honored, seen, appreciated and loved for who we are, by those we care for most.

 

 

I Came Here For Love

I don’t know about you, but I came here for love. I didn’t come here to just get through the day, worry about tomorrow, dwell on the past, stay angry, live in misery, be alone, wonder what I could do more of, question what I could do less of or be disempowered by thoughts and feelings that no longer serve me.

No, I came here for love!

And boy do I ever love! I’m so freaking in love with myself (in a non-ego I’m better than you way) that nothing much phases me these days. When it does, I express myself. I no longer sit in silence hoping someone will guess what I’m thinking or hoping they will understand they have hurt me, I tell them!

As I reflect over my past I know when I have not been a good friend to people as well and to those people I apologize. I literally have. It is up to other people to accept an apology or not. We cannot control others and what they think and feel.

All I or any of us can do is own up to our stuff and how we may have unintentionally hurt someone. We are all learning. You are not at fault…well, unless you are. And if you are, simply apologize. If a person cannot accept your soul bearing itself than fuck em! This is a person you simply say goodbye to, knowing you did the best you could.

We came here for love! So start loving yourself enough to just be okay with wherever you are at and know and trust that as long as you are living in love, nothing else matters.

I Came Here for Love