Feelings

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an emotional state or reaction.

Do You Love What You Feel

We all have feelings, but some of us don’t quite know how to express them. This is really hard for people who feel everything, to understand. It requires patience when dealing with someone who does not share. But patience is a virtue, which is why so many of us aren’t virtuous.

A person who has a hard time with their feelings will tell you that you need to have patience with them. How much patience are we talking about? Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t have patience because I see patience as an excuse for someone who doesn’t like change.

What is it about change that frightens so many people? The unknown, if you will. I love it! I live it! I breathe it! If I’m not changing, I’m stagnant and crippled with anxiety, worrying about a future that has yet to happen. Or I’m still living in the past, basing all of the decisions and actions I take, based on what happened there.

I didn’t coin it, but it’s true. “The only thing that is constant is change,” so why not embrace it?

Part of changing, is acknowledging our feelings. Maybe even about change. When we trap our feelings inside and don’t share them, they fester until eventually (who knows when and where) they erupt. Usually people will look at you like you’re some kind of a lunatic, because they have no clue how long you have been holding all that stuff in.

I don’t know why people still hold feelings in, especially when we live in a time that is completely unpredictable and seems to be no rhyme or reason as why you would want to. You can only blame your upbringing for so long on this one.

I was told to keep the peace for years, but honestly, I stopped doing that a long time ago. The only people that served, were the people who asked it of me and I don’t answer to them anymore.

I would rather be around people who yell and show passion then people who storm off, say nothing, act like nothing is wrong when you know it is, or don’t talk to you at all. This behavior is a complete and utter breakdown in communication and makes the people in your life feel like you don’t give a crap what they think.

Passion. It is the key to everything. It’s what drives us to want things. It ignites a fire inside of us that spurns us on. It builds character, makes us act spontaneous and is fully accountable as the catalyst to go after our dreams.

People without passion…I just don’t get em. How do you live without it? How do you not allow yourself to feel this fire?

I guess it all goes back to that ugly word, control. When we don’t share our feelings with someone, we are trying a situation or them. But this is an illusion. Control is an illusion. You cannot control anyone, so why would you want to control yourself from feeling passion?

Feelings equals vulnerability and if you aren’t brave enough, passionate enough or confident enough to share them, than it’s probably best that you go live in a cave somewhere, so people who feel, don’t mistake you for someone who does.

People who feel understand that taking chances, going for their dreams and sharing their feelings is what they came here to do. It’s what we all came her for. To be who we are without all of the programs and control.

All that is required to do this, is to be authentic. To accept that you are a person who is worthy of love, understanding and kindness, but in order to have those things, you have to feel. You have to let people in.

Feel something! Anything! What’s the worst that can happen, if you do?

 

Connect

to establish communication between; put in communication

I love this song by Khalid, Talk.

So many of us don’t connect authentically to others anymore. We are so afraid of speaking our truth, that we deny ourselves a life that is more suited to who we now are, and instead, we keep getting on the hell ride that we once bought into.

We deny ourselves the chance to be recognized, the chance to shine, to be who we really are, and instead, keep playing out the bullshit rendition of the programs we have now outgrown.

It’s madness! Why don’t we just speak our truth?Why don’t we declare what we want once and for all and then go about getting it? Is it because we don’t know? If that’s the case, then we need to go within and listen to the voice that is probably now horse because it is so frustrated from screaming at us.

When I close my eyes and take a breath I know what is being communicated to me internally. I had an issue of old pattern bs last week because I didn’t listen to my inner voice. My breath had become restricted from it and I actually went back to yoga. When I took a moment to reflect, I knew exactly what to do.

All of our answers are internal. We already know what we know. We just haven’t brought it into fruition yet. And the reason for this is quite simple. We haven’t communicated what it is we want out loud.

And while talking to ourselves is a start, and maybe even you mouth the words like an actor at an audition (and believe me they look silly), we eventually need to give them life.

How freeing to speak the words that have held us captive. They are just words! Emotions that have not been given birth. That’s why they rumble in our stomachs and cause us discomfort. Literally take our breath away.

Most of us probably communicate via text, but that’s just garbage talk.  A a bunch of stuff gets lost in translation through it and often times we misinterpret what is really being said because our perception is quite simply OUR perception and not anyone elses’. My faves, Key and Peele did a skit on it. Text Message Confusion

And while that skit is funny, we all get it because it has happened to us before in one way or another.

How about when someone asks you to do something and you read into it? A person asks you for a drink and you assume they want more from you than conversation. Our mind thinks over a million scenarios in that one interaction and instead of being in the moment and honoring someone’s request, we make our decision from a perception that could be way off.

I’ve done this. Had a friend ask me what I was doing last night. I said I was ill. I read into the text as her wanting me to listen to her story of how much she hates her husband again and I didn’t feel like putting my energy towards it. But maybe just maybe she just wanted to laugh with me.

Was that wrong? Yes. I should have gone. Honored her with my time. At any moment if she started to complain, I could have simply said I did’t want to hear it. But I took the cowards way out.

At some point we may have to be the guy who tells someone to stop complaining, to take ownership of their shit and get to work on themselves because you are not going to do it for them. If people can’t hear it now, they eventually will, and if they don’t, they simply fade away.

You lose a lot of “friends” on this journey and you learn to be okay with it. You cannot lower your vibration anymore to match those who aren’t there with you. It is not our job to fix others or to keep playing out the same fucking scenarios, hoping they will get it.

You’re the King and Queen now, not the stable boy/girl!

Connect with yourself, then connecting with others becomes seamless.

TALK!

Can’t we just talk?
Can’t we just talk?
Talk about where we’re goin’
Before we get lost
Let me out first
Can’t get what we want without knowin’
I’ve never felt like this before
I apologize if I’m movin’ too far
Can’t we just talk?
Can’t we just talk?
Figure out where we’re growin’
Yeah
Started off right
I can see it in your eyes
I can tell that you’re wantin’ more
What’s been on your mind?
There’s no reason we should hide
Tell me somethin’ I ain’t heard before
Oh, I’ve been dreamin’ ’bout it
And it’s you I’m on
So stop thinkin’ ’bout it
Can’t we just talk?
Can’t we just talk?
Talk about where we’re goin’
Before we get lost
Let me out first (yeah)
Can’t get what we want without knowin’ (no)
I’ve never felt like this before
I apologize if I’m movin’ too far
Can’t we just talk?
Can’t we just talk?
Figure out where we’re growin’
Penthouse view, left some flowers in the room
I’ll make sure I leave the door unlocked
Now I’m on the way, swear I won’t be late
I’ll be there by five o’clock
Oh, you’ve been dreamin’ ’bout it
And I’m what you want
So stop thinkin’ ’bout it
Can’t we just talk? (Oh)
Can’t we just talk? (Na)
Talk about where we’re goin’ (na na oh)
Before we get lost
Let me out first
Can’t get what we want without knowin’ (na)
I’ve never felt like this before
I apologize if I’m movin’ too far
Can’t we just talk? (Ooh!)
Can’t we just talk?
Figure out where we’re growin’

 

 

 

 

Feeling

an emotional state or reaction.

a belief, especially a vague or irrational one.

Funny how feelings can mean two different things. If I say,  “I had a feeling that would happen”, you would think something negative.

If I say, “She was a very feeling person”, you would assume she was gentle and loving.

It’s interesting how one word can mean two completely different things.

If I said, “I had feelings for them” you would think I liked someone when in reality it could mean I couldn’t stand them. Like my feelings are so strong, I’d like to push them down and skin their kneecaps. (I love that line!)

Funny how the word feeling can take on such different meanings, which is why you have to be really clear when expressing your feelings to someone else.

There can’t be any guess work or wondering what someone meant. At least there shouldn’t be, but so many of us are afraid to express our feelings, that we simply don’t.  We keep them inside, shove em down and turn off our emotions because we are too afraid of how someone will react to them.

We pretend an awful lot of the time to like people when we don’t, because to express our real feelings would be inappropriate-or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. We might even like someone and pretend we don’t for the same reason.

In fact, we worry so much about what others think of us, we deny the one person who matters most their true feelings, which is us. Why do we deny ourselves the truth? Who cares if you don’t like everybody and why do you care if they like you? All that matters is that you like you.

There is a great song in The Book of Mormon about turning your feelings off. It’s so comical because they bring up situations that are simply horrible and how you’re supposed to ignore them. The song is aptly titled, “Turn it off”.

Actually turning off your feelings is never good because they always find a way to sneak out. You can shove em down, stomp on em and run like the gingerbread man, but your feelings will find you.

If we stopped making excuses as to why we don’t share our feelings we might start being a little more authentic and see our relationships change. They might be a little rocky at the onset but people respect you when you tell the truth and if they don’t, then they probably aren’t people worth keeping around.

Don’t turn it off, shove it down or deny yourself your feelings, unless of course you’re singing this song.

Your feelings are what make you your glorious wonderful self!

 

 

Patterns

a discernible regularity in the world or in a manmade design. As such, the elements of a pattern repeat in a predictable manner.

We can appreciate patterns in clothing but when they show up in our lives, they usually aren’t so attractive. Often times they are destructive and don’t serve us at all.

Here’s one of mine:

I look for real jobs every now and then because I worry about money. I don’t need to worry about money, but I do. I’m not wealthy, not starving but somewhere in-between. I  search through Indeed, send out resumes and then hear back from many of the places I applied to. Then I look at the emails and realize I don’t want any of the jobs. I wonder “What was I thinking?” and I find something wrong with every one of them.

Why do I do this? I am an actress; something my older son tries to remind me of when I do this. But I don’t listen. When I’m not manifesting jobs in acting, I manifest them by other means. A vicious cycle that I create over and over again.

So I ask myself, “Why do you keep repeating this pattern?” And the answer is one that takes a little digging. Well.. a lot of digging. It’s a freaking rabbit hole! You have to have a sturdy shovel if you are going to start digging down into it. I don’t necessarily like digging, but I like repetitive patterns less, so I dig. I get in there like a gopher.

Money isn’t the real problem, nor is lack, or control. We all have issues with them in one way or another.  So the little voice inside me says, “Dig deeper! A fear is there. There is always a fear there! I fear there isn’t enough. There’s not enough acting jobs for people my age. Deeper still. What’s this about age anyway? I’m too old.  Jesus!  Twenty years ago you said you were too young! This isn’t about age.”

At this point I’m exhausted. Sometimes I have to come back to it. Every now and then I listen to some insightful person and get a nugget. I listen to a few. So if it isn’t about age, then what is it? It’s definitely a fear. What am I afraid of? This is when I look at my life and everything that is being reflected back to me.

My life is like a neon sign of my shit. I’m an actress! What do I face day in and day out? Rejection. I am afraid of rejection. Terrified of it, yet I face it daily. Well that’s a lie! I was asked to do two play last week and I turned them both down. Why? Because they didn’t pay enough. Really? No play pays enough! You do it for the love of the art. So why didn’t I do it? Fear!!!!

Here the Universe is telling me I can do anything yet I don’t believe it. What the fuck is wrong with me? I say I want plays and I get them. I wouldn’t be getting them if I couldn’t do them! Why do I self sabotage over and over again?

You didn’t see that coming in the rabbit hole, did you? I self-sabotage. I manifest like a freaking magician and yet when it comes time to pull that rabbit out of the hat, it’s down in the hole hiding with the rest of my fears and insecurities of not being good enough.

Well you know that fear of rejection and fear of abandonment are a couple, but you may not have known that fear of not being good enough is that final piece of the trio that will cripple you from being your most amazing self.

Where does my not being good enough come from? It wasn’t there when I was a kid. I was as ugly as a stick. Honestly, I don’t know why my mother purchased all those school pictures! She thought I was a Goddess. My dad thought I hung the moon. I knew I was special because they told me I was.

But then it all changed. They divorced, remarried and I had to share them with two people who had low self esteem. I was too young to know they didn’t love themselves enough to love me. My stepfather was kinder but I never approved of him and my mother.

My stepmother was mean. She said nasty things to me and my dad allowed her to. This is where the pattern started.  I was the thorn in her side. A constant reminder that he had a past before her. The thing that stood between her and my father and the child she brought from another marriage. She made me feel horrible about myself and my dad made me feel abandoned. His wife reminded me time and time again of the haves and have nots with her comment about “the people with money” like there was something wrong with them. And I was “too old to model.”

My self esteem hit an all time low.  Despite the fact that my father gave me a necklace claiming I was “Special”, I felt anything but. I left the house feeling horrible about myself, so consequently anyone who made me feel good, no matter how short term or how toxic, was someone I wanted to be around.

For the longest time I attracted horrible people who mistreated me, undervalued me and disregarded me like some fly you shoo away that’s a nuisance.

I wasn’t wise enough to know that people are only capable of giving you what they can give themselves and not everyone can give love. This belief is still ever present in my world today. A pattern that is unattractive, self destructive, exhausting and no longer serves me or anyone close to me. So I am consciously choosing to re-write history and break this pattern once and for all.

Our mission in life is to break these patterns that no longer serve us. In doing so we not only free ourselves, but we free anyone who knows us as well. The longer we stay attached to patterns that do not serve us, the further we move away from who and what we came here to be.

In order to break a pattern, you first need to realize there is one.  A shovel is purely optional.

 

 

Letting Go

How hard is it for you to let go? For many of us it’s next to impossible.

Letting go comes up quite a bit in my life. It used to be when I went to an audition I would attach to the particular role I was going for and then when I didn’t book the job, I was upset. I had done everything I was supposed to do. Or at least I thought I had. I would lament for days about it. When I did this it was hard to bounce back from the disappointment.

And then I learned to not attach to the auditions. I go on a bunch. Half the time I can’t even tell you what they are for.  Some people might say this is the opposite thing to do if I want to manifest one of the jobs. But it’s not.

If I give it my all, become the part and leave it in the room, I still have a chance of not booking it because it is all contingent upon what others think. Maybe I look too young, too old, not grey, too thin, not thin enough, who the F^&K knows what they think when I leave the room. I only get attached, when I book it.

It took me a long time to let go of the way I was attaching to a certain outcome. The tighter I held, the harder it was to release it. We do this an awful lot to people. They are usually people who don’t serve us for the greatest good, unless of course you are into torturing yourself by learning the lesson of self worth ad nauseam.

Why is it so easy to put things that no longer serve us out on the curb for pick up, but giving up something with a soul is like pulling your nails out. Why do people lament so much over letting someone go? And is it really letting them go or maybe just maybe finally loving yourself enough to say you have had enough of the way they make you feel?

When do you draw the line and let go? At what point? What has to happen to you in order for you to honor yourself first, instead of gifting that away to someone who isn’t even honoring themselves? How could they be? If you love you, then that is what you eminnate. There’s no time for anything else because all that matters is being happy.

If someone wants to be in your life, they are there. It doesn’t matter what others think, it only matters what you do, of them. If someone wants to talk to you, they do. If someone is interested in what you have to say, they listen. If someone loves you, they honor and respect you and would never do anything consciously to hurt you. All of these qualities make a person happy. It’s the only thing that matters. Letting go becomes much easier when you remember this.

Because when we don’t let go, we harbor feelings that can eat away at us like pain, resentment, anger and frustration, which all lead to a complete feeling of disempowerment. If you are vibrating on this level, than chances are you have given all of your power away to someone or something else, allowing them to decide whether you feel good or not.

Why would you want to give your power away? Think of all of the great things you could do if you started putting yourself ahead of someone who isn’t doing the same for you.

Sometimes it hurts to let go, but we have to honor ourselves enough to know that the best outcome is one where we live from our heart, knowing we did the best we could.  If  someone cannot give you back what you gave to them, just know they are not in the same place.

Today I had to let go of a little blind kitten I had been fostering. I absolutely loved her! I was so torn about letting her go. A part of me felt sad that she will be back in a cage until she is adopted. I had asked that she be adopted out of my home but they declined. I try and be the voice for the animals I help, but there are others who have a voice as well and I must honor what they think is best and not force my will.

Fostering a blind kitten had its challenges. I had to keep her in one of my sons’ bedrooms away from the other animals and she kept him up some nights climbing his bed. I was very conscious of being away because I knew she was all alone, so I would cut things short. She required many feedings and medications and lots of litter changes, too. Her hearing was amazing and I felt so bad every time she heard one of the dogs bark, because it visibly freaked her out. I have the claw marks to prove it. Did I mention I am highly allergic to cats and am now trying to heal from a horrible chest cold?

While I would have loved to keep her, I knew that letting go was a better option for both of us. She deserves a home where she can run free without an 80 pound dog chasing her and I deserve to breathe. I know in letting go of Poppy she will be found by someone special because that is all she knows. She radiates joy and goodness and the person who discovers her will do the same.

So if I can let go of Poppy, knowing it is what is best for us both, who or what can you let go of?

If it doesn’t feel good to you, then it’s not good for you. There’s your gauge for letting go.

 

 

 

 

Are You Too Scripted?

Sometimes we all get a little too scripted. This happens a lot to actors, especially when we are memorized, off copy, off book, whatever you want to call it. But it happens to regular folks, too.

It’s easy to become scripted. Much easier than being real. When we are real we are afraid people won’t like us.  It could be a litany of things we come up with. The committee in our heads is unforgiving and never lets us forget the things we are most vulnerable about. The what ifs take over our mental space and before we even open our mouths to speak, we shut down emotionally.

We show up, become complacent, well rehearsed and act our way through life instead of allowing ourselves to feel. And while we may think we are doing a bang-up job of keeping up the facade, life has a way of waking us up to reality.

When I’m too scripted I don’t get the part. Maybe that should be the gauge for everyone. When you aren’t being authentic and using all that stuff that made you who you are, then you fall short and someone else steps in and takes the lead.

I’m wise enough to know I don’t know it all and also when I am in need of help. So I go searching for it. It came in the form of an acting coach my agent recommended. I spent a small part of the morning with him yesterday and he quickly reiterated that I was in deed, scripted. It’s so ironic because I spend so much of my time being unscripted, even when I could use a little scripting, that you think it would come naturally for me.

But the funny thing is, even before I saw him I felt my monologue was too rehearsed. I felt like I was reading it instead of feeling it. Being a better actor means being more authentic, which means all of those experiences that made me who I am, get a chance to be revealed.

Good, bad, silly, ugly, scary, fearful and sad can all be brought to the surface with the right coaching and the man I worked with managed to bring laughter, sincerity and tears in about 15 minutes.

I don’t know why we hide that stuff.  The more we show how authentic we are, the more people should like us.  We are essentially more likable because we are more human and therefore more relatable.

Like a good actor who can cast a spell, when he brings a character to life, we should all strive to be that committed in just being our true, unscripted, authentic selves.