Expressing What Matters

Do you ever wonder how someone learned to talk the way they talk? I mean really wonder, wonder, wonder who taught them how to talk like that?

There are people who speak their minds and don’t care who they offend. They say what they feel and have opinions that may not be popular, but they could care less. They speak their truth all the time and aren’t some chameleon who changes their colors depending on who they are conversing with.

How about people who are so unconscious, they say whatever comes to mind, even offensive things, because they are completely clueless and lack empathy.

Then there are people who say mean things to others when no one else is around because it makes them feel good to belittle someone else. In truth, they feel so incredibly small and if you have ever met someone like this, they will be your greatest lesson in how much you value yourself.

Then there are people who don’t say anything at all! They just observe. They may even see an injustice, like someone being harmed by another emotionally or physically and watch it all go down, unwilling to step in and do anything about it.

We may learn to not express ourselves by our parents when we are younger, but at some point there has to be an accountability factor and you need to put on your big girl/boy pants and stop running this outdated program.

People who express themselves aren’t afraid of what others think; it is the one factor that makes them authentically and unapologetically confident with who they are. A person who speaks their truth and expresses themselves all the time is a powerful one. Someone who lives in fear of what others think is the exact opposite.

I didn’t grow up talking like this. I learned how to. Life was my biggest teacher. All the times I didn’t express myself, others were keen to express my opinions for me, and well, that didn’t bode too well for me. I was in a prison of own making, much like anyone else who is too afraid to speak up for fear of rejection.

I am perfectly content speaking my truth now and while I discern between who is worthy of my pearls and who is not, my thoughts here are yours to read, in hopes that you may find your voice and lay to rest anything and anyone that has tried to stifle you.

Express yourself and in all matters of life you will be free, no matter your circumstance.

Location, Location, Location

We’ve all heard this mantra before. It’s all about where your home is located and how it determines its value. But what make a house a home and what determines its value?

A house is simply a structure where people live. But a home is where you build your roots. It is a place where love is the common theme and there is a mutual respect and concern for all of those who live there.

You can have the best location in the world, but if you don’t have a harmonious environment, than it becomes a house; just a structure where people inhabit its space.

People get attached to their homes. I get it. If you had good memories there and you feel well… for lack of a better word, “home” there, then the location of it probably doesn’t matter much to you. You may have even compromised some things about its exact local just because you liked the house and you love the people you live with, so it doesn’t matter. The value of your home is based on your love for those you share the space with, not what the market tells you.

When a home becomes a house, its value is determined by how much you can get for it and how quickly can you get out of it. When a home becomes a house you are no longer attached to it. You realize it is merely a structure and while you may have had some good memories there, you feel ready to move to a different location and begin anew, with the intention of making someplace else a home again.

Our desire for a home in todays world goes beyond a yearning, it is a need. We need to put our heads on a pillow and sleep well, knowing we are surrounded by those who have our backs. We need to sit at a table and eat a meal with people where we have intelligent conversations, share a few laughs and feel completely safe being our most authentic selves. We need more love not less of it and we understand that there is no house that can give us these things, it is people.

My house is in a pretty nice location. I think a lot of people would like living here, but for me and my boys, this house has not been a home for a long time. I don’t think we ever liked this town even though we gave it more than enough chances and I think it has more to do with the people who live here, than anything else.

When I sit in my backyard and listen to the birds, I still hear traffic which has always bothered me. I remember the realtor saying, “You’re moving from New York City, you should be used to the sounds!” Then she went on to talk about the location since you can walk to town from my house. This used to appeal to me when I took the train in the city 4 times a week for auditions. Now I do them from home.

The town is looking pretty sad these days. Like most, a lot of places have closed and I don’t know who thought putting 6 hair salons and 4 pizza places in the span of a mile was a good idea but there are days where I would love a Hale and Hearty instead!

I’ve worked hard to make our house a home and this year I redid the entire upstairs. It looks like a boutique hotel. My older boys sleep up there when they visit from college but the older one who will be a senior, has already dismantled his room mentally and plans on taking things with him when he moves into his house in a few months.

The home they were all raised in is destined to be put up for sale. My youngest will be a junior in high school next year and my hope is to stay here until he graduates so that the other two have a place to visit when they come home. The alternative is New York City and apartments are pretty small. I could make it work if I had to (I tend to make everything work the best I can), but it’s not something I care to do.

But I do love the city! And talk about locations! It’s the one place where we forego all of the stuff we think we need and live off of all of the amazing culture and adventures New York has to offer in its place instead. But I like the south too, actually the beach, so moving there appeals to me as well, just not yet.

Wherever your location is, I hope you feel as though it’s your home. If you don’t, then maybe it’s not so much your house, but the people you share it with… or, it could be the location.

They say that home is where your heart is, so who and what has yours?

Everybody Talks Too Much

I have had a few people reach out to me in the last week and tell me how lonely they feel. Each person is what I would call woke. They are very conscious of the world and what is going on around them. They see other people and wonder how they can’t be like that too, but the more they try to get the people they care about to be on the same page, they realize they aren’t even in the same library.

This is common when you work on yourself. It’s as though the lights are on all the time for you, but others are in the dark. You care, so you want to flip on the light switch so they can see too, they but look at you like you’re crazy because they don’t even see a light switch at all and you wind up fighting instead.

Because you aren’t speaking the same language with certain people, you find yourself weeding them out of your life and spending more and more time alone. You do this out of protection. You have to preserve your energy for you and not put it out there on others who are not ready to receive it.

When you are vibing at this higher state of consciousness, you avoid any negativity as much as possible. This can include the news or people who talk poorly about others. The last thing you want is to be bombarded by so much toxicity and you don’t have time for anyone who refuses to take accountability.

The more you work on yourself, the less tolerance you have for people who talk for the sake of talking. It’s amazing how much people talk and say nothing. I stopped talking to a lot of people awhile ago. My inner circle is very small and getting smaller by the day. I am fine with that. I value my energy and am very cognizant about who I gift it to.

If you’re awake and feel like you are all alone, you’re not. Every now and then we need a reminder of that. Cause it gets tough. Just remember that it doesn’t matter if anyone else gets you, you get you, and that’s all that really matters.

Pillow Talk

Let’s talk pillows!

I have an obsession with them. I recently did two bedrooms in my home and they were both boys rooms. One is twenty and the other is eighteen. Do you really think they care about throw pillows? Let’s get real here! They are both in college and probably rarely see a pillow, let alone a throw one with a cute design on it!

I went upstairs today and counted the pillows on their beds. They both have 9! I feel very much like the commercial where they talk about you becoming your parents. I like that commercial. I actually watch commercials all the time and insist that we don;t fast forward through them when they come on. You have to understand that this is not from a love of the actual bs being sold to you, it is merely from a standpoint of being an actress who auditions for them.

I’m not sure what this obsession with pillows is about or where it came from, but I was in a store today and a woman in line told me she has hundreds of them too. I felt good about that. I certainly don’t have a hundred, but I do have too many, that I am sure.

If you have to move a pillow to sit down, you probably have too many. But they’re so cute! The meaning of a pillow is for resting the head, but what of pillows that just look beautiful and do nothing but make you feel spectacular? Make you like your space? Represent a part of you that you want to express?

Is it wrong to have so many pillows? In my house it seems to be the consensus. But I do live with all men. Men don’t seem to get pillows. Sure, you lie your head on one, but do they really understand the importance of the pillow you are giving 8 hours to?

Pillows represent your style, your passion. So if you look around your abode and notice your pillows, what do they say about you? I mean, if a pillow could really talk, what would it whisper about you?

Know Your Worth

What is self worth? Is it something we obtain by acquiring material success? Do we measure it by the company we keep? The way others value us?

If you measure self worth by these means, then chances are you probably struggle with it a bit.

You might give your attention to a cause, a sport, a group, an organization looking for the accolades, the acknowledgement, to be seen, heard, honored, respected. You might say its because you want to help or it’s the right things to do, but is it really?

You probably work hard, may even struggle at times with how much you work compared to how much you make. You might work over time, work when people need you to no matter the hour, or when someone calls in sick. The point is you do all this work because you want to be recognized for it. But there is a part of you that might be bitter about why some people seem to work so little and have so much.

You might commit to things you don’t want to do, especially if it is family or work, where you feels it is expected of you. You essentially put the needs of others ahead of yourself over and over again and when all is said and done, someone always says something or does something that makes you feel bad about yourself and you wish you would have stayed at home.

You probably hate criticism or at least that is what it sounds like to you, whenever someone gives you their advice.

You struggle with personal relationships all the time. To the outside world it might look as though everything is hunky dory, but the truth is, you feel like no one really gets you.

Sound familiar? I write this, because I lived it. For many years. I was always the person looking for approval, dreading visits with nasty people and saving animals. But after awhile you get tired of always feeling like no matter what you do it isn’t enough, so you just stop trying.

When I got to a point where I was so utterly broken, so utterly heartbroken, I knew I needed to make changes and this is when Faster EFT found me. It was through this form of therapy that I learned about programs people run and how I had been running one myself.

When I was told that all of the animals I was trying to save were essentially me, I didn’t like the way it sounded. I didn’t feel like I was a person who needed saving, but then when I thought about it, it became painfully obvious that I was.

I reflected on those words for weeks. Since I was a teenager I had been waiting for someone to save me; someone to see my worth. I wanted someone to love me so much, that they would unlock the cage I was in. But the truth is, I put myself there and there was only one love that was going to get me out of it and it was mine.

You see, we can blame others our whole lives and that might work for awhile. But at the end of the day we will still be in the same place. Angry, frustrated, broken, a victim of some kind or form, essentially a dog in a cage at the pound, waiting for someone to come and save us. Wanting someone to pick us above all others.

But as long as we stay there in that vibration, we will find others to save us alright, others to pick us, but they will be exactly as we are; wounded. They may look like a pedigree, but they will still be wounded. Often times their wounds will be far worse than ours and unfortunately, we will suffer the consequence.

You can only ever attract into your life what you think about yourself. This means the way you value yourself. If you do not value yourself, you will attract people who do not value themselves either, so how can they possibly value you?

If you really struggle with self worth, you may even attract an emotionally abusive relationship. This sounds severe, because it is. People don’t give emotional abuse enough attention. It doesn’t leave outward scars, but the internal ones take years if ever to get over. People do not see the damage caused by such abuse, nor do they ever see the true nature of the abuser, which is why it is so utterly impossible for someone to explain it. Their true nature is only ever exposed to those closest to them, to the rest of the world they look like a nice guy/girl.

Common traits of an emotional abuser are an absolute disrespect of your personal boundaries. They only benefit when you don’t have any, so they will get upset when you try to set them. There is no such thing as communication because they see everything as an argument. When you try and discuss your feelings with them you will get the silent treatment. Finances will be used to control and manipulate you. They will guilt or shame you to get what they want. They will not change no matter how much you beg and plead because they don’t see an issue with their actions.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, it is important that you do not blame yourself for attracting this into your life. When you love too much, you can attract someone who does not know how to love at all and you can spend the rest of your life trying to fix them.

We think if we can just love them a little more…give them a little more…show them a little more, they will love us the way we love them. But they won’t. People who are emotionally abusive are so damaged, it doesn’t matter if you are loving them or fighting them, because it’s all attention.

Isn’t it better to give all of that attention to yourself? Your glorious, beautiful nature may have been trampled on in the past, but you have all the power to change it right now.

When you start to love yourself enough, you understand that you do not need anyone to save you, to see you, to want you. You understand that you are enough, that you always have been and you do not need anyone to complete you.

They say you don’t get to pick your family, but if you believe in karma, that’s not true. We pick everybody in our lives due to our beliefs. What do you believe to be true about yourself?

Self worth is not measured by what we acquire out there, it is measured by what we acquire from within. Get to acquiring more love for yourself.

Change the Narrative

I find it interesting that people will say they want change but continue to do the exact opposite. You can tell they don’t mean it because they repeat the same patterns and programs like they have a thousand times before and wonder why the same shit keeps happening to them. It’s a vicious cycle and one that ultimately gets them nowhere.

You see, in order to have change, there needs to be a new narrative. You can’t expect change if you hang out with the same people, are doing the same stupid shit you always have and are sharing the same narrative. Like attracts like, so it’s redundant and counter productive if you want change. Because if you want change, then you have to make it.

But making changes for some people is so difficult, instead of cutting off what no longer serves them, they would rather cut off things and people they value most (or at least they say they do), instead. It’s unfathomable but it happens all the time.

The ego is tricky. It convinces them that they are never at fault. But let’s be honest; the blame game is so 2020! I mean, come on! At some point you have to be accountable for YOUR LIFE.

You might hate your current situation, lack of relationships or whatever your story is, but what you really hate is feeling powerless. You feel like you have no control over it and that’s just another lie you tell yourself. You have all the power!

Here’s why.

The single biggest predictor for your future success in a relationship or job or anything for that matter, is not the facts of your situation, but the story you tell about it.

If you want to change your life, you gotta change your narrative. You can’t keep repeating the same cycle and expect different results. Here are some really debilitating narratives: Ever since I turned …age, my life sucks. I wish I hadn’t made that investment. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I would have listened. I wish I would have had that drink with them. I wish I would have answered their call. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time. I wish I would have gotten their back. I wish I would have taken that job. I wish I would have spoken up. If only I would have. If only this would happen.

These narratives have become a part of you. They are just as much a part of you as your organs. It’s who you are now. You have penned this story. You are the author. That’s right, you are the author! Which means, if you don’t like the story, you can change it.

If you continue to tell the same story to the same people who listen to it, you only perpetuate that story and not the one you really long to tell. What you long to tell, like all of us, is a love story, a story of success, a story of happily every after. But the real key to this conundrum comes down to who you are sharing your stories with. And more importantly, what is the story you are telling?

Is it a tall tale? A work of fiction? A horror story? Unrequited love? Trials and Tribulations? A trashy romance novel? One of revenge? Ooh…maybe its a gossip novel. You know, like a beach read for chicks.

Not too many people tell a non-fiction story. They rarely tell you how they really feel or what is going on in their lives. And they rarely confess! They don’t tell you the shitty shit they’ve done to other people.

Instead, they brag, boast and bullshit so much you would think their life is stellar, but yet they somehow seem to be in the same place emotionally, mentally, financially, physically and of course spiritually (most people who do this scoff at spirituality).

I wish someone would invent a bullshit detector app that went off when someone told anything other than a non-fiction story. How refreshing would that be! To hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but it! Well, actually you already have a bullshit detector; it’s called your intuition and it never lies. So if you are feeling like something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.

Here is the narrative I could tell myself: If I have to shuffle down the hallway like the Dunkin Donuts guy one more time, saying, “Time to make another meal!” I’m going to take a sledge hammer to my oven!

If I don’t book an acting job in the next week I’m quitting!

If I can’t travel over seas in the next year I am going to lose my mind! If I can’t have somebody bump into me on the subway or the streets of Manhattan and have them say “What the fuck” I’m going to go to a grocery store where I live and bump into everyone until someone does!

If I continue with this particular narrative I am going to feel even more disempowered, so I need to change my narrative from a lack state to a more abundant one, because the two narratives are very different.

I think I am going to go with this narrative instead:

Ooh another sale on Etsy! I can hardly wait to sell more cards! I think I’ll try a few new restaurants this week…maybe some seafood. I know! A trip to Miami is in order. My middle son has been asking me to come, so I think I will. I think I’ll go this Thursday. Hmmm, let me ask my beautiful sister, my best friend, if she wants to join me. Jackpot! Her amazing husband wants to come too! What’s that? You want to pay for the room? The tower suite at the Biltmore Hotel for 4 nights? (not exactly Galeta, Pisa or Eiffel, but a tower none the less, so I’ll take it) You guys are the best!!! Oh gosh! The only thing that will make my little getaway complete is if somebody tells me to get the fuck out of their way in Miami International!

I like that narrative! What’s yours?

Back in the Day

Okay, so the words of this song are a bit over the top, but the beat? Come on! You could dance for hours in a circle to it, which is what I used to do…back in the day.

Didn’t you do that too? You would be at a club and a song would play forever, the same beat over and over and you just moved around in a circle sweating to death, drinking your drink until you either lit a cigarette on the wrong end or ran out of money; both indicators that it was time to leave. Well actually it didn’t matter if you ran out of money because someone was always willing to buy you a drink.

You’ll be happy to know that this beat hasn’t changed much. Kids are still dancing in clubs when there isn’t covid, to this exact one. Maybe not the underwear lyrics, although you gotta love the creativity of it all but the beat for sure. Two of my boys told me this.

I miss the clubs! I frequented them a lot when I was younger; like every Friday, Saturday and of course, Sunday. Sunday was the big night for me! I was a hairdresser and we didn’t usually work on Mondays because salons were often closed.

Back in the day I had so much cash from tips, I kept it in my freezer. Talk about cold cash! I didn’t know where else to put it and a friend told me they kept their’s there, so that’s what I did for awhile.

When I think back on how much money I pissed away, I cringe. It was another salary for sure! But I called it fun money and fun is what I had with it!

Back in the day there was no Uber or cell phones, so you made plans ahead of time over the telephone with your friends and then made your way across town in a car with a designated driver (or one who could at least keep it together after copious amounts of liquor) and met them at the bar or dance club you had decided on. You never went alone, even if that meant you went with someone who made let’s just say…not the best choices.

I had a friend like that. (She shall remain nameless). My sister reads this blog so she will know who I am talking about. I will say that when she had too much to drink she started talking to you out of the side of her eyes and she rarely went home with who she came with.

Back in the day you could do that sort of thing. We saw the same people out wherever we went and the chances of something bad happening were pretty slim.

We went to raves before they were called that. Back in the day they were called a BULA boy party and we paid ten dollars to drink all night in an empty building to music. We later found put that BULA stood for Bring us lots of a@@. And boy did it!

It’s funny to look back on your past and those times when you probably didn’t make the healthiest or wisest decisions but you were with your friends living life and that’s pretty much what young people are supposed to do.

Back in the day there was time for that and you didn’t worry too much about your future or getting a job because there was always a job and the future wasn’t something you gave too much thought to.

Nowadays kids are overwrought with anxiety about their futures because in todays world they look pretty bleak. And jobs? Well..those are few and far between and they are competing for them with adults who have been laid off.

I don’t know how much fun kids are having at college now. I guess they try to but with lock downs and all the rules and regulations, parties, bars and discos aren’t opened. They do have social media, but personally I think it’s worked against them rather then for them.

Back in the day you didn’t know there was a party you weren’t invited to. Now you know instantly. Back in the day Jenny may have liked you enough to invite you to sit next to her and then talk about you behind your back the next day, now she will tell the world just what a b-otch she thinks you are and get a thousand likes.

I don’t know. When I look back I think I had it pretty good. At the time I probably complained, but now…I think I did alright. I had fun, learned some lessons and all of those experiences made me the person I am today.

A person who faces adversity like a warrior, cries like a baby with a rash when she’s upset or someone upsets someone she loves and cherishes the people in her life who love her unconditionally.

Back in the day we didn’t have all the bells and whistles we have today, but we did have friends. Real friends. Ones that had our back and held our hair when we had too much too drink.

I miss those friends. Hell, I just miss discos!

Waiting

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WAITING

the action of staying where one is or delaying action until a particular time or until something else happens.

My father is always waiting for a time on the clock called, “when this happens” in order for him to take action.  And despite his intelligence, he has yet to realize it will never come to fruition, never come to pass, never be. Not now, not never, because it does not exist.

I’ve known this truth for awhile, and yet he still tells me the same story.  He’s rehearsed his lines well, I will give him that, but he hasn’t taken into account that I’m not that teenage girl who used to believe them, believe him.

Oddly enough, in spite of the fact that I am no longer waiting, which is abundantly obvious by my lack of communication with him, he still is. I think that he thinks he has a contract with God/Spirit that says he has unlimited days to right wrongs or make things happen and that my love has no expiration date.

He is right about that; my love for him not expiring, but a person can only be disappointed so many times before they realize the source they gave so much to gave so little in return so they were left with no other choice than to stop.

His clock will never reach “when this happens” and therefore our clocks do not synchronize. This time he waits for is simply a lie he tells himself, because it makes him feel better about the excuses he continues to make that keep him safe, in a world of his own making called “When This Happens.”

“When ____ happens, I can visit more.” “When ___ happens, it will be a good time for you to visit me.”  “When ___ happens, we can all get together for a holiday.” “When ___happens, I’ll finish my book.”

The book! He’s been writing it for years! It’s an incredible story and he has it all up in his head. I think four pages may have made it to page. “It has to be perfect.” He told me last time he was here. To which I replied, “Perfection does not exist. Because perfection is being entirely without fault or defect which nothing is.”

In his non action he is not only denying his time to things and people he cares about, but ultimately he is denying himself.

When I see someone waiting for the “perfect time” I see a fearful person. It’s so much easier and fun to fantasize about a life you “could” have, rather than actually taking action to see if it is a possibility. So the perfect timing becomes the perfect fantasy, where judgement, sadness, frustration, ridicule, rejection and pain do not exist.

There will never be a time of “when this happens” to fulfill your dreams. This simply means you have given over your power to outside circumstances to which you have absolutely no control over. And while you wait for “when this happens” other people “makes things happen” and live a life of their dreams.

Situations may not be perfect; in fact they may be uncomfortable, frightening and discouraging, but when we want something, there should be nothing that stands in our way, unless of course it’s illegal. Everything else…is on the table.

What are you waiting for?

Is it the perfect time? (No such thing as perfect!) The right circumstance? (Giving your power away). The quarantine to end? (At this point…) More money? (How much is enough or is this just another excuse) For it to be 80 degrees, no wind and just the right amount of humidity? (Sounds ideal, but I bet you’d find something wrong with that scenario too) For the best equipment to take those photos, make that film, write that memoir? (All excuses to not take a leap of faith and trust in yourself) To lose those 20 pounds, a toned body or your hair to get a certain length? (Does any of that really matter? You are who you are the way you are-learn to love you)

WTF? What’s with the waiting? Just go for it already! It’s a new year-do something different!

Travel

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Travel is the movement of people between distant geographical locations. Travel can be done by foot, bicycle, automobile, train, boat, bus, airplane, ship or other means, with or without luggage, and can be one way or round trip.

Last year I took an acting class that was truly amazing! I rarely say that about classes, but this one went above and beyond. I stepped so far out of my comfort zone I felt like I wasn’t myself. But I was. The me that resides deep down inside, just waiting to be invited to emerge.

The teacher played songs and we had to move to the music in front of everyone, while they had to imitate our movements the best that they could as we did so. I got this song to move to: Leaving on a Jet Plane

I was so incredibly hesitant to do the exercise, as I am sure everyone was, but the minute he played the song for me, I simply resigned to the music. It was transformational. When I looked into fellow actors eyes and saw them connecting with me through the music and the dance, we all traveled to wherever we were personally in our minds. Their smiles, their tears, their joy, their pain, however they interpreted the piece to them. I saw it all that day.

But I felt joyous. As I danced around the room I put my arms out to my side like I was a jet plane and went around in the circle so fast, I thought I might lift off. I traveled to so many places in that moment, I think I spanned the world.

Traveling doesn’t always entail leaving the country or going from state to state. All we need to do is put on some music, even this song and let ourselves fly.

We need to only close our eyes to travel distances within our imagination. To allow ourselves a moment to reminisce, to dream, to flow. Our minds can take us anywhere.

Traveling without luggage…I’m circling the living room as I write this.

How willing are you to travel the distance? Even if it’s only in your mind?

Toxic Love

Photo by Davide Baraldi on Pexels.com

an intense feeling of deep affection. a great interest and pleasure in something.

Love is an emotion that can be expressed so differently, depending on the way a person was raised, how they were taught to believe what love was and what it wasn’t, and how it was shown to them when they were a child.

Apparently we all have a love language. There are five, according to Gary Chapman. But this post isn’t about love languages, it’s about love. The toxic kind. 

Some people say they love you, like my father does, but it feels nothing even remotely close to love. In fact, it’s like sitting down for a meal with every food you can imagine, only to leave the table hungry.

He calls once a quarter, which leads me to believe I’m some reminder on his google calendar. If he gets my voicemail he will leave a message like we just spoke yesterday and he’s in the know, even though he doesn’t know a thing about what I am up to.

I always try and return his call but always get his voicemail, even if he just called 5 minutes before. At least I think it’s his voicemail, but it’s not his voice, so its a bit awkward leaving a message. Who doesn’t have their voice on their voice mail? It’s ridiculous!

Sometimes he texts. Usually some rendition of what he deems a heart felt message showing concern. I’ll text back and then that’s it. Apparently the quarter check in only allots for one text as well, so going back and forth and having a conversation, even via text, is out of the question.

My father’s love, while genuine by his standards, has always left me feeling empty. I remember sobbing to him one time and saying, “Why can’t you love me?” He looked at me as though I had three heads and said, “I do love you. I adore you. You’re one of my favorite people in the world.” He did try to show me his love, even bought me an expensive necklace one time that said, “Special” but that wasn’t what I wanted. What I wanted was for him to play tennis with me and not ask me to “keep the peace” when I was sad or angry at something mean his new wife had said to me.

My mother divorced him over his particular love language, which by the way, none of us speak. There are roughly 6,500 languages spoken in the world, but I couldn’t find one called Wanting. 

In addition to the non available type of love as in the case of my father, here are a few more ways in which we misinterpret dysfunctional love for the real thing, if we haven’t worked on ourselves to heal.

There’s the type of love where someone gives for the sake of receiving. A game of tit for tat if you will. They don’t give you love for the joy of it, they give you love with a condition attached to it. And you better be ready to reciprocate or they will pout. You’ll always be exhausted in this relationship because your job is to make them happy because they are incapable of doing so themselves.

The most toxic love is the controlling kind. At first it might seem as though they are really into you. Love bomb you with gifts and attention, then they’ll throw you off guard by suddenly ignoring you which makes you wonder what you did wrong. They might accuse you of flirting with someone or cheating on them, when they are the ones doing it.  They may even put you down, correct you or tell you they have no idea what you’re talking about, even though they do. They also like to tell half truths as it’s their only form of communication. When all is said and done, they care far more about what the outside world thinks of them than you.  If you recognize any of this, you’re being gas lighted which creates co-dependence.

And then there’s the people who withhold love. They run in the opposite direction the minute they feel anything at all. Obviously someone hurt them and they refuse to be hurt again, but they fail to realize they are only hurting themselves by doing this. It matters not to them how you feel, only that they don’t want to feel at all, but you have no way of knowing this until they are dust in the wind.

Perhaps in your life you have attracted one of those types or a combination of all of them. Before you get too upset with yourself and feel like there’s no hope, you need to understand why so that you can meet someone who is worthy of your love, instead of someone who disregards it.

Remember…wherever you are energetically, meaning how you feel about yourself, is where another meets you. If you feel unworthy, you will meet someone who feels worse and they will treat you like shit.

You may be in a situation where it seems impossible to change anything, and that may be true, but you can always change the way you respond to another person.

There are tons of resources on YouTube that are free. If you feel that you are being beaten down by someone, look up videos on Narcissists. See the link at the bottom of this post for a site I found really helpful. 

You have to start somewhere in order to heal yourself, and often times just watching a video and realizing what is being done to you, is a step towards healing. 

Trust me when I tell you, learning the truth isn’t always easy, but it is far better than living in denial and pain. When you start to realize why and how you have attracted mean men and women into your life, you will understand how to stop it. 

 You are your greatest love. You do not need the validation of anyone else. So in case no one has told you, here goes: you are lovable, you are worthy, you are divine! You really are all that and a bag of chips…even the kettle cooked kind!

Now go shine those glass slippers Cinderella and get your horse ready, it’s time for you to ride into your bright new future. There really is such a thing as fairy tales! But only when you love yourself enough to know you are worthy of one.