What Is Your Calling?

respond-to-every-call

a strong urge toward a particular way of life or career; a vocation.

While we are all at home now, there really isn’t a better time to explore your calling. And while you may not be able to jump all in (whether that is just your perception or not), you can take steps towards that which excites you, without overwhelming yourself.

I’m not sure what my calling is, but I do follow inner promptings (some might say this is spirit poking me) towards things that I am intrigued by.

I just finished a three day class on Meditation. I have always sat quietly with my thoughts, but never learned ways to get rid of the thoughts and go to a deeper place called samadhi. Funny thing is, I was exhausted from it! I literally fell into bed every night and then had the most vivid dreams.

I will continue with the practice because I enjoyed learning about it so much and have already looked into a class called yoga nidra. I have also thought about learning to teach yoga to incorporate all of this, but it could just be something that I think about and never do.

I am not bothered at all by this quarantine but that’s because I like being alone and home. I also like being around others and going places but down time allows me to think about what really matters most to me and how to go about doing it.

I am finally going to learn French because I keep getting reminder emails from Duo and Paris is my absolute favorite place. I have my course in Faster EFT that needs to be completed in order for me to move to level 2 and my oldest son and I started a screen play last summer that we need to finish. Believe it or not I still get auditions! Voice over recordings I do on my phone and self tapes I do in my make-shift home studio.

As you can see, I am not a person that is without things to do. I do create them though! It is my nature to do so, but I know that some people struggle with all of this time and isolation that they have been given and are having a hard time being home.

If you are one of those, then you might want to ask yourself why that is. Do you always feel the need to be around others? Are you trying to escape something? Someone? Maybe it’s you! Maybe you are afraid to look within and ask yourself what it is you truly want.

This time is really a gift. And while you must take precautions so that you don’t put yourself at risk or those you love, it doesn’t mean you have to stop living. In fact, if you are a person who has been putting off things you always talked about doing, now is the perfect time to start doing them.

There really is no excuse to not take this time for you. Allow yourself this moment to figure out what you want. And if you aren’t sure what that is, we have an incredible resource available to us called our imagination. You can tap into it at any time. And it’s free!

What is your calling? What lights you up? Excites you? Intrigues you? Brings you passion? Brings a smile to your face just thinking about it? Once you get an idea, take a few small steps in that direction. It may be as simple as making a list.

Need some inspiration to help you get started? I like to sit out in nature. I listen to the birds. I cheat and buy food for them so I always have them in my yard. Music is a great motivator. Put on a good tune and dance. Put on a sad one and cry. If you have a computer draft a book. Maybe you only get one line down. Keep coming back to it. We all have a story to tell. Paint! Paint by numbers are good. If you can, buy one on line. Do a puzzle.

This is not the time to be depressed. It’s a time to relish. We have been gifted this time because it was much needed. It is horrendous that it had to come the way it did, but it is here, so you have two choices. You can keep fighting the confinement or surrender to it.

I choose surrender! It’s easier, much more calming and allows my mind to take a much needed break from all of its processing.

What is your calling?

Are you going to answer or pretend you don’t hear it? Are you going to stay angry? Live in fear?

There has never been a better or more opportune time to go within, because you simply aren’t allowed to go out anymore.

 

 

Balance

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an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.

a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions.

I try to do yoga 4-5 times a week. Yoga is all about balance, much like life is. Often times one of my sides if off balance and I cannot get into a pose really well or hold one as long as the other.

If you are into any type of energy work or spirituality, then you know that the right side of the body represents masculine and the left side represents feminine. I am fascinated by this when people complain of aches or pains on one side of their body and I wonder where they are off balance in their thoughts, actions, and feelings.

The masculine side is characterized by logic, facts, systems, and self-interest. The feminine side uses intuition, feelings, openness, and the unselfishness of our nature. If we see them as separate, instead of embracing both qualities within us, then we are living in duality.

If both sides are in harmony, then your masculine and feminine energies are balanced and you have better health, harmony, and are conscious to all beings. You may have heard the terms divine masculine and divine feminine; this is unity within, which in turn, will foster unity without.

In order to have healthy relationships with partners, nature and everything in-between, there has to be a union of these two energies within us first. But most of us do not have this and our relationships will reflect where we are off balance.

We are currently off balance at this particular time in history. We are anxious, fearful, panicked, overwhelmed and angry. Shelves are empty and people are scared. We are ignoring one another instead of helping and staying as far away from anyone that we even perceive as a threat.

Where is the humanity in any of it? Human touch is what makes us all thrive, yet we are afraid to even look at one another.

I don’t know about you, but I refuse to buy into the fear. I cannot control what happens tomorrow, nor can you. The best that I can do is be responsible, make smart choices that don’t put myself or others in danger and keep doing what I do.

I’m not wearing a mask, I don’t have any Purel, I haven’t stock-piled toilet paper, and I most certainly haven’t stopped my yoga practice or auditions. In fact, I think I might go out to eat later and enjoy a nice dinner with a glass of wine.

Call me irresponsible, call me crazy or call me ignorant. I don’t care. I’m calling it living without fear because feeding into it, only creates more hysteria and I don’t operate from that place. If I have learned one thing on this journey, it’s to respond not react; there really is a difference.

All that is being asked of you at this moment, is to remain balanced. To stay calm. Love those in your life a little more because you are being forced to be with them now and maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Look at the positive and stop focusing on the negative and all of this will leave as fast as it came.

Nurture the feminine aspect of yourself and the masculine one as well. We are not at war with one another, in fact, we are in this together. This is an opportunity for us all to unite and make conscious choices that will raise the vibration of our planet, instead of ones based on fear that lower it and send us all into a tailspin.

Love, laugh, play games, share meals, talk. Everything happens for a reason-maybe this one is simply to appreciate what we have and those who are in our lives, just a little more.

Kintsugi

pottery

Is a Japanese art form in which breaks and repairs are treated as part of the object’s history. Broken ceramics are carefully mended by artisans with a lacquer resin mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. The repairs are visible — yet somehow beautiful.

We are all Kintsugi, aren’t we? Beautiful, broken human beings from heartache, pain, suffering and life in general. Through all of the trials and tribulations we have managed to pull ourselves together and rise above the constant barrage of garbage that was thrown our way.

We are walking stories; histories filled with suffering, rejections and abandonments. Our wounds are our gold, much like the cracks that are fixed in the Japanese art form. So why do we not bring attention to them instead of hiding them away?

As we ascend and look further into ourselves, instead of into others for answers, we are forced to ask, “Who am I without all of the masks I wear, trying to impress others? Why am I afraid to share who I really am? Why do I pretend to be something I am not? And Why do I accept less than what I know I deserve?

Why do we struggle so much with these questions, when it really doesn’t have to be so complicated. Why don’t we embrace the parts of us that we perceive as broken, because in actuality they aren’t really broken at all. They are simply kintsugi.

Our history should be embraced whole heartedly, because it has made us who we are, which is nothing more than perfect.

May you look at your flaws as a piece of art, instead of hiding them away, and let those who are willing to see you for who you truly are, into your heart.

 

 

 

 

 

Fear

an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

I personally find fear to be the most horrid of emotions. It is essentially the one element that keeps us locked in “potential”.

We have all heard someone or something being described as having potential. We hear men and women talk about someone they are interested in, “She/ He has potential.” We say it about someone’s success. “He has potential.” But have you ever noticed that when you say it about someone, it’s always followed with a but?

That but is usually fear. Sure, they might have potential, but are they willing to do anything about it?

Fear is a crippler. We are essentially saying that someone could be so much more or do so much more, if they would only get over their fear. Fear of what? Failing perhaps. This person might have all of the tools yet somehow fear keeps them from moving forward and going after the life of their dreams.

But what most people don’t realize is that failing is nothing more than a perception. You cannot ever fail at anything. Even a test you didn’t study for. You might get the ‘F” but I bet you learn something from it. There is no such thing as a failed relationship either. There is always something that you took away from it.

The only failure there ever is, is the failure to honor ourselves. When we don’t allow ourselves to reach our potential, to break barriers of fear and step out of the walls of comfort and go for what we want, we are telling ourselves we are not worthy of what we really want.

We all know people like this. Perhaps some of us are like this ourselves. I know that I have been a victim of fear. One second I am certain of what to do, like some alter ego steps in and then the next thing you know I am being called in for an audition and I freak out. Like the real me steps back in and says, “What have you done? I’m not ready for this!”

But is it the real me that asks that or the fearful one? Maybe the real me is the one with the confidence, the one who know what she wants and how to go about getting it, but there is still a part of me that hinders her progress. Something to ponder, cause we all do this.

Think about something you are afraid of. What is the worst thing that could happen if you were to face that fear? The absolute worst! Would you die? Cause that’s the worst thing that could happen to you.

I send in self tapes all the time. I have no fear when it comes to this. First off I don’t know what they are saying about me because I’m not there to hear them. Second of all, I get to explore characters inside me that are yearning to come out and third of all, it’s fun.

But I am afraid of standing behind a chair and cutting someone’s hair. What am I afraid of? Screwing up. So, in order to combat this fear, I take classes. I will take classes until I feel confident enough to stand behind that chair and know how to part the damn hair. it has nothing to do with cutting it, it’s all about knowing the why.

I have always been amazed by people who seem to have all the confidence while I sit back and question mine.  Over the past month I took classes and in both of them there were people who owned salons, learning to cut hair properly. I was astonished by this.

How is it they could stand behind a chair everyday and pretend to know what they were doing? How did they have the confidence to take someone’s money, pretending to be an expert, when they didn’t even know why they were doing what they were doing?

The “fake it till you make it” mentality that I have never bought into had served them enough to own businesses and  make profits off of people who don’t know any better. But I cannot fake skills I do not have, nor would I want to. And although I know I would never intentionally screw up someone’s haircut, the possibility is strong that it could happen and I wouldn’t feel good about that.

But eventually, you do need to put yourself out there and go for what you want. Lack of confidence debilitates many of us to a crippling point and despite all of our good ideas, we wind up locked in the “potential” prison.  It doesn’t matter how many people tell you your idea is good or that you are talented and worthy, only you have the key to get out.

True confidence comes from within and in order to get confidence you have to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are worthy of what it is you want.

If you want to be a chef, cook a lot. For everyone. Take classes. Apprentice. Burn things over and over again until you don’t burn them anymore.

If you want to cut hair, take classes. Buy mannequins. Watch videos. Offer to cut people’s hair for free.

Want to be a writer? Start a blog. Clothes designer? Draw pictures. Learn to sew. Yoga Instructor? Go to yoga. Find a studio who will let you do teacher training while you work there.

To me, confidence is all about studying/learning. The only way to get confident about anything is to know it. And if you find studying and learning about something too droll, then you probably aren’t that interested in it.

We call people experts because they are skilled and have a comprehensive knowledge of a particular area. Why can’t we all strive to be experts in an area of our lives where we lack confidence?

Don’t be a person with potential. Be a rockstar! They have more fun.

 

Patterns

a discernible regularity in the world or in a manmade design. As such, the elements of a pattern repeat in a predictable manner.

We can appreciate patterns in clothing but when they show up in our lives, they usually aren’t so attractive. Often times they are destructive and don’t serve us at all.

Here’s one of mine:

I look for real jobs every now and then because I worry about money. I don’t need to worry about money, but I do. I’m not wealthy, not starving but somewhere in-between. I  search through Indeed, send out resumes and then hear back from many of the places I applied to. Then I look at the emails and realize I don’t want any of the jobs. I wonder “What was I thinking?” and I find something wrong with every one of them.

Why do I do this? I am an actress; something my older son tries to remind me of when I do this. But I don’t listen. When I’m not manifesting jobs in acting, I manifest them by other means. A vicious cycle that I create over and over again.

So I ask myself, “Why do you keep repeating this pattern?” And the answer is one that takes a little digging. Well.. a lot of digging. It’s a freaking rabbit hole! You have to have a sturdy shovel if you are going to start digging down into it. I don’t necessarily like digging, but I like repetitive patterns less, so I dig. I get in there like a gopher.

Money isn’t the real problem, nor is lack, or control. We all have issues with them in one way or another.  So the little voice inside me says, “Dig deeper! A fear is there. There is always a fear there! I fear there isn’t enough. There’s not enough acting jobs for people my age. Deeper still. What’s this about age anyway? I’m too old.  Jesus!  Twenty years ago you said you were too young! This isn’t about age.”

At this point I’m exhausted. Sometimes I have to come back to it. Every now and then I listen to some insightful person and get a nugget. I listen to a few. So if it isn’t about age, then what is it? It’s definitely a fear. What am I afraid of? This is when I look at my life and everything that is being reflected back to me.

My life is like a neon sign of my shit. I’m an actress! What do I face day in and day out? Rejection. I am afraid of rejection. Terrified of it, yet I face it daily. Well that’s a lie! I was asked to do two play last week and I turned them both down. Why? Because they didn’t pay enough. Really? No play pays enough! You do it for the love of the art. So why didn’t I do it? Fear!!!!

Here the Universe is telling me I can do anything yet I don’t believe it. What the fuck is wrong with me? I say I want plays and I get them. I wouldn’t be getting them if I couldn’t do them! Why do I self sabotage over and over again?

You didn’t see that coming in the rabbit hole, did you? I self-sabotage. I manifest like a freaking magician and yet when it comes time to pull that rabbit out of the hat, it’s down in the hole hiding with the rest of my fears and insecurities of not being good enough.

Well you know that fear of rejection and fear of abandonment are a couple, but you may not have known that fear of not being good enough is that final piece of the trio that will cripple you from being your most amazing self.

Where does my not being good enough come from? It wasn’t there when I was a kid. I was as ugly as a stick. Honestly, I don’t know why my mother purchased all those school pictures! She thought I was a Goddess. My dad thought I hung the moon. I knew I was special because they told me I was.

But then it all changed. They divorced, remarried and I had to share them with two people who had low self esteem. I was too young to know they didn’t love themselves enough to love me. My stepfather was kinder but I never approved of him and my mother.

My stepmother was mean. She said nasty things to me and my dad allowed her to. This is where the pattern started.  I was the thorn in her side. A constant reminder that he had a past before her. The thing that stood between her and my father and the child she brought from another marriage. She made me feel horrible about myself and my dad made me feel abandoned. His wife reminded me time and time again of the haves and have nots with her comment about “the people with money” like there was something wrong with them. And I was “too old to model.”

My self esteem hit an all time low.  Despite the fact that my father gave me a necklace claiming I was “Special”, I felt anything but. I left the house feeling horrible about myself, so consequently anyone who made me feel good, no matter how short term or how toxic, was someone I wanted to be around.

For the longest time I attracted horrible people who mistreated me, undervalued me and disregarded me like some fly you shoo away that’s a nuisance.

I wasn’t wise enough to know that people are only capable of giving you what they can give themselves and not everyone can give love. This belief is still ever present in my world today. A pattern that is unattractive, self destructive, exhausting and no longer serves me or anyone close to me. So I am consciously choosing to re-write history and break this pattern once and for all.

Our mission in life is to break these patterns that no longer serve us. In doing so we not only free ourselves, but we free anyone who knows us as well. The longer we stay attached to patterns that do not serve us, the further we move away from who and what we came here to be.

In order to break a pattern, you first need to realize there is one.  A shovel is purely optional.