In The Arms Of An Angel


In The Arms Of An Angel

This morning at 6am I did a good thing for myself and went to yoga. Sometimes I go even when I am not feeling it, because I know that is when I need it most. It grounds me. The place I go to is a real community too and speaks all the spiritual lingo I like, which I appreciate.

But this morning when I arrived the instructor was in the room stretching to this song and I had to leave and go to the bathroom to wait for it to finish.

This song reminds me of my brother, Dean, who died at the age of 30. God, he was just a kid! I’ve gone through his things a hundred times looking for clues, and I see evidence of a young man who was sentimental, scared and feeling so despondent.

He kept cards we had all given him and ticket stubs from baseball games and the like. His life was barely getting started and my life has never been the same since his death.

As hard as I tried to get my head around the news when I first heard it, I just couldn’t accept it.

I had been out for the evening with my ex-husband. One of the only nights we took a much needed break from owning a restaurant. My sister was sitting in the back booth when I came in and simply said, “You need to call Mom.” She was so odd, I remember saying, “Did she win the lottery?”

She didn’t win the lottery, but she did have a police officer show up at her house and tell her that her son was dead.

He was found in a hotel room with copious amounts of drugs in his system. There was no note, even though my father told everyone at his funeral that he had killed himself. An investigation was done and the coroner said the cause of death was “unable to determine.”

When I think about him alone in that hotel room it makes me utterly distraught with sadness. I wonder why he didn’t call me, like he had so many other times in his life. It mattered not to me if he needed money or just wanted to tell me how hard he was working to make things right. I always had an ear for him. I thought we shared everything, but I guess he couldn’t share how utterly broken he felt with me, because he was my big brother and he felt he should be strong.

I just loved him! I know my boys would have loved him, too. They would have seen what I saw in him, when the rest of the world didn’t.

I know he watches over me. He is my angel, which is pretty ironic, since he did so many devilish things when he was here. He was always into trouble. Most of my childhood was filled with his antics, but I never cared, never judged him.

When I talk about feelings, change and authenticity, I am a person who understands how really precious our time here is. My brother was my friend, my hero. He always had my back and I tried so hard to have his. He was a person who was always up for an adventure. He was a person who not only walked to the beat of another drum, he created the beat.

When I say, “What’s the worst that can happen” it’s because I know what that is.

The worst thing that can happen, is that you don’t tell the people in your life how you feel about them. How much they mean to you and how much you love them.

I never got to say goodbye to my brother. He just left. The last time I saw him was not the best of circumstance. I was at his court appearance for some trouble he had gotten into and it didn’t fare well for him.

When the Balif came and handcuffed him, he looked back at me before they lead him out another door. If I close my eyes I am back in the courtroom with that look. I felt so helpless at the time cause I was just a kid, too. I wanted to do something for him but I felt like I couldn’t. If I had the day to do over, I would have jumped over all of the benches and held him, told him how much I loved him and that nothing was so bad that he had to take his life.

Please do not take anyone in your life for granted. Do not think that you have unlimited days with them to tell them how you feel or to make things right with them.

Life really is short and often times the people we love most, are taken from us without notice. Embrace everyone that you love, everyone that you want to love and everyone that you yearn to make things right with.





an emotional state or reaction.

Do You Love What You Feel

We all have feelings, but some of us don’t quite know how to express them. This is really hard for people who feel everything, to understand. It requires patience when dealing with someone who does not share. But patience is a virtue, which is why so many of us aren’t virtuous.

A person who has a hard time with their feelings will tell you that you need to have patience with them. How much patience are we talking about? Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t have patience because I see patience as an excuse for someone who doesn’t like change.

What is it about change that frightens so many people? The unknown, if you will. I love it! I live it! I breathe it! If I’m not changing, I’m stagnant and crippled with anxiety, worrying about a future that has yet to happen. Or I’m still living in the past, basing all of the decisions and actions I take, based on what happened there.

I didn’t coin it, but it’s true. “The only thing that is constant is change,” so why not embrace it?

Part of changing, is acknowledging our feelings. Maybe even about change. When we trap our feelings inside and don’t share them, they fester until eventually (who knows when and where) they erupt. Usually people will look at you like you’re some kind of a lunatic, because they have no clue how long you have been holding all that stuff in.

I don’t know why people still hold feelings in, especially when we live in a time that is completely unpredictable and seems to be no rhyme or reason as why you would want to. You can only blame your upbringing for so long on this one.

I was told to keep the peace for years, but honestly, I stopped doing that a long time ago. The only people that served, were the people who asked it of me and I don’t answer to them anymore.

I would rather be around people who yell and show passion then people who storm off, say nothing, act like nothing is wrong when you know it is, or don’t talk to you at all. This behavior is a complete and utter breakdown in communication and makes the people in your life feel like you don’t give a crap what they think.

Passion. It is the key to everything. It’s what drives us to want things. It ignites a fire inside of us that spurns us on. It builds character, makes us act spontaneous and is fully accountable as the catalyst to go after our dreams.

People without passion…I just don’t get em. How do you live without it? How do you not allow yourself to feel this fire?

I guess it all goes back to that ugly word, control. When we don’t share our feelings with someone, we are trying a situation or them. But this is an illusion. Control is an illusion. You cannot control anyone, so why would you want to control yourself from feeling passion?

Feelings equals vulnerability and if you aren’t brave enough, passionate enough or confident enough to share them, than it’s probably best that you go live in a cave somewhere, so people who feel, don’t mistake you for someone who does.

People who feel understand that taking chances, going for their dreams and sharing their feelings is what they came here to do. It’s what we all came her for. To be who we are without all of the programs and control.

All that is required to do this, is to be authentic. To accept that you are a person who is worthy of love, understanding and kindness, but in order to have those things, you have to feel. You have to let people in.

Feel something! Anything! What’s the worst that can happen, if you do?



an emotional state or reaction

a belief, especially a vague or irrational one

When it comes to feeling, there is absolutely no logic behind it. We just feel. Whatever that feeling is.

But so many of us avoid feeling anything, and instead, try to logically work our way through and around things. We keep thinking about a future that hasn’t happened yet or staying locked in a past and we forget to live in the moment. To allow whatever is happening to happen without being attached to an outcome.

This need to control everything and everyone essentially keeps us in a cycle that has been playing out for so long, we have now made the story ours even though it never was. We must do this! We must do that!  Why? Because our parents did, their parents did, we did, society tells us to.

But what about what your heart wants to do? What about the feelings that arise that spurn us on to dare and do what we want instead of what others want for us?

Maybe a person challenges you and you fight to force your way upon them; to try and control a situation that you have absolutely no control over. And even if you did, why would you want to disempower someone like that?

We can be on auto pilot for awhile and stuff our feelings deep enough inside but eventually something happens and we are forced to feel.  It may be anger, regret, grief or resentment that you feel. You may feel so broken inside that you are afraid to feel, but it is a necessity in order to be free of everything that has kept you bound.

Why deny yourself the gift of feeling? What’s the worst fucking thing that could happen if you just feel? If you stopped for two minutes, turned on some music and just allowed your feelings to arise. To let it go! To finally be free of all that shit that has been keeping you hostage. The lies that you have told yourself that aren’t true.

I tend to feel joy most days, but there are those where I am feeling a bit introverted and may want to explore what is going on under the surface of my usual mega watt smile. It doesn’t take much to make my cry when I listen to certain music or make me dance.

Here are a few of my favorites. Have a listen and maybe just maybe you might feel something, too. Crying, dancing  and embracing your inner warrior optional!



Near Light

You Say

Chaos is a Ladder

Water under the Bridge

No Ordinary Love



an emotional state or reaction.

a belief, especially a vague or irrational one.

Funny how feelings can mean two different things. If I say,  “I had a feeling that would happen”, you would think something negative.

If I say, “She was a very feeling person”, you would assume she was gentle and loving.

It’s interesting how one word can mean two completely different things.

If I said, “I had feelings for them” you would think I liked someone when in reality it could mean I couldn’t stand them. Like my feelings are so strong, I’d like to push them down and skin their kneecaps. (I love that line!)

Funny how the word feeling can take on such different meanings, which is why you have to be really clear when expressing your feelings to someone else.

There can’t be any guess work or wondering what someone meant. At least there shouldn’t be, but so many of us are afraid to express our feelings, that we simply don’t.  We keep them inside, shove em down and turn off our emotions because we are too afraid of how someone will react to them.

We pretend an awful lot of the time to like people when we don’t, because to express our real feelings would be inappropriate-or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. We might even like someone and pretend we don’t for the same reason.

In fact, we worry so much about what others think of us, we deny the one person who matters most their true feelings, which is us. Why do we deny ourselves the truth? Who cares if you don’t like everybody and why do you care if they like you? All that matters is that you like you.

There is a great song in The Book of Mormon about turning your feelings off. It’s so comical because they bring up situations that are simply horrible and how you’re supposed to ignore them. The song is aptly titled, “Turn it off”.

Actually turning off your feelings is never good because they always find a way to sneak out. You can shove em down, stomp on em and run like the gingerbread man, but your feelings will find you.

If we stopped making excuses as to why we don’t share our feelings we might start being a little more authentic and see our relationships change. They might be a little rocky at the onset but people respect you when you tell the truth and if they don’t, then they probably aren’t people worth keeping around.

Don’t turn it off, shove it down or deny yourself your feelings, unless of course you’re singing this song.

Your feelings are what make you your glorious wonderful self!



Letting Go

How hard is it for you to let go? For many of us it’s next to impossible.

Letting go comes up quite a bit in my life. It used to be when I went to an audition I would attach to the particular role I was going for and then when I didn’t book the job, I was upset. I had done everything I was supposed to do. Or at least I thought I had. I would lament for days about it. When I did this it was hard to bounce back from the disappointment.

And then I learned to not attach to the auditions. I go on a bunch. Half the time I can’t even tell you what they are for.  Some people might say this is the opposite thing to do if I want to manifest one of the jobs. But it’s not.

If I give it my all, become the part and leave it in the room, I still have a chance of not booking it because it is all contingent upon what others think. Maybe I look too young, too old, not grey, too thin, not thin enough, who the F^&K knows what they think when I leave the room. I only get attached, when I book it.

It took me a long time to let go of the way I was attaching to a certain outcome. The tighter I held, the harder it was to release it. We do this an awful lot to people. They are usually people who don’t serve us for the greatest good, unless of course you are into torturing yourself by learning the lesson of self worth ad nauseam.

Why is it so easy to put things that no longer serve us out on the curb for pick up, but giving up something with a soul is like pulling your nails out. Why do people lament so much over letting someone go? And is it really letting them go or maybe just maybe finally loving yourself enough to say you have had enough of the way they make you feel?

When do you draw the line and let go? At what point? What has to happen to you in order for you to honor yourself first, instead of gifting that away to someone who isn’t even honoring themselves? How could they be? If you love you, then that is what you eminnate. There’s no time for anything else because all that matters is being happy.

If someone wants to be in your life, they are there. It doesn’t matter what others think, it only matters what you do, of them. If someone wants to talk to you, they do. If someone is interested in what you have to say, they listen. If someone loves you, they honor and respect you and would never do anything consciously to hurt you. All of these qualities make a person happy. It’s the only thing that matters. Letting go becomes much easier when you remember this.

Because when we don’t let go, we harbor feelings that can eat away at us like pain, resentment, anger and frustration, which all lead to a complete feeling of disempowerment. If you are vibrating on this level, than chances are you have given all of your power away to someone or something else, allowing them to decide whether you feel good or not.

Why would you want to give your power away? Think of all of the great things you could do if you started putting yourself ahead of someone who isn’t doing the same for you.

Sometimes it hurts to let go, but we have to honor ourselves enough to know that the best outcome is one where we live from our heart, knowing we did the best we could.  If  someone cannot give you back what you gave to them, just know they are not in the same place.

Today I had to let go of a little blind kitten I had been fostering. I absolutely loved her! I was so torn about letting her go. A part of me felt sad that she will be back in a cage until she is adopted. I had asked that she be adopted out of my home but they declined. I try and be the voice for the animals I help, but there are others who have a voice as well and I must honor what they think is best and not force my will.

Fostering a blind kitten had its challenges. I had to keep her in one of my sons’ bedrooms away from the other animals and she kept him up some nights climbing his bed. I was very conscious of being away because I knew she was all alone, so I would cut things short. She required many feedings and medications and lots of litter changes, too. Her hearing was amazing and I felt so bad every time she heard one of the dogs bark, because it visibly freaked her out. I have the claw marks to prove it. Did I mention I am highly allergic to cats and am now trying to heal from a horrible chest cold?

While I would have loved to keep her, I knew that letting go was a better option for both of us. She deserves a home where she can run free without an 80 pound dog chasing her and I deserve to breathe. I know in letting go of Poppy she will be found by someone special because that is all she knows. She radiates joy and goodness and the person who discovers her will do the same.

So if I can let go of Poppy, knowing it is what is best for us both, who or what can you let go of?

If it doesn’t feel good to you, then it’s not good for you. There’s your gauge for letting go.