Mirror Mirror

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Man In The Mirror

I’m a sucker for Disney movies! I watched Snow White this week and as the evil step mother looks into the mirror and asks, “Who is the fairest of them all?” I had a revelation.

I used to hear the word “mirroring” all the time when I was forced on this spiritual journey. You know what I mean by that because, well, you don’t really have a choice. Once you start seeing things differently there’s no not seeing them, so you have to just keep going.

I digress.

I would hear spiritual teachers say, “You don’t like that person because they are mirroring something back to you.” What did that even mean? The more I thought about it, the more confused I got.

I mean, there were some women in my life with a resting bitch face that could be sold on Halloween. And the men? Equally as ugly. They disregarded me, treated me as though I were beneath them or tried to control me, just to make their disempowered selves feel  more powerful. Was I them? As hard as I tried to see it, I just didn’t, because I knew I was nice, so I couldn’t grasp how I attracted so many meanies into my life.

Well, it took me a very long time to get this one, so I am going to share it with you just in case you are wondering what the people (we’ll call them mirrors) you are looking into are really reflecting back to you. (You should get excited now..this is a game changer!)

They are mirroring YOUR unhealed wounds. Things that happened to you in your childhood. You see, at some point in your childhood, someone either made you feel less than, disregarded, abandoned, unsafe, bullied, controlled, disempowered, unloved, and plain old not good enough. All of the big ones!

And because no one cared what your feelings were, you were just a child after all and what kind of a voice were you allowed to have…you learned to stuff it all inside. And now, years later, you’re wondering why you keep attracting the same boss, the same men, the same women. Blah blah ad nauseam.

This little kid, now a grown ass adult, has been trying to get your attention for a long time. But you keep shoving it down, ignoring its pleas and outright dismissing any wrong doing to it, much like the adults in your life did to you. But now the little kid has had it, so all of that pain is surfacing, begging to be healed once for all, by way of the asshole standing in front of you, making you feel horrible.

This is mirroring. You are not, nor have you ever been this horrible person who is making you feel bad. This person who puts you down, embarrasses you, makes nasty comments, tries to control you, takes advantage of you, lies to you or maybe even dismisses you altogether, is someone from your childhood.

Your response in your body is a telltale sign that you are being triggered by them and is an opportunity for you to finally listen to that little kid who was shut down. The way you feel when you are around this person, their tone of voice or something they say, the way they look at you or even roll their eyes when you talk, are all clues that this mirroring is happening to you.

Your unhealed traumas from childhood show up in random people as a gift. I know that sounds ridiculous, but once you see these people for who they are, you will no longer be controlled by them. You can look at each of them as a door that is opening, until finally that little kid is set free.

Who were when you came into this world, before the adults in your life gave THEIR shit to you? I’ll tell you…amazing, limitless, lovable, strong, talented, brilliant, beautiful and innocent.  Take that back! You have the key, but as long as you keep holding onto the stories that were given to you, instead of making your own, you will attract the same people who disempower you, until you do.

The step mother in Snow White saw this purity in her step daughter and she was jealous of it. People who put you down, treat you poorly and judge you are really jealous of you because they see all of these qualities in you but do not know how to give it to themselves, so they take yours instead.

We all possess beauty, inner beauty. There is no need to disparage someone else to have it. If someone is doing this to you, then it is because you have unhealed childhood wounds that are needing attention.

There is no need to look at people who don’t love you unconditionally anymore. We’re done with that! Lesson learned! And if you haven’t yet gotten it, then ask yourself what it is they are showing you that needs to be healed. Do you love yourself enough to finally get this?

See all of those people as alerts: “Danger Will Robinson!” your inner child is saying, begging you to look at it, hear it, help it.  We only ever attract people into our lives who mirror how we feel about ourselves on the inside. Does that make sense? I hope so!

Stop looking for mirrors, unless you’re doing your makeup or hair. Look within! That is where all of your answers are and your freedom too.

Honoring The Self

We have all grown up in families where certain expectations were put upon us that we managed to maintain, despite how difficult they may have been.

At first you just went along with the program. The people in charge were people you trusted, so there was no need to question what they told you.

As the years passed and you started to see people outside your  home doing things in different ways, you may have started to question your personal experience, maybe even measure it up against someone else’s.

You got a little older and questioned it more because you started to form opinions and emotions that could be very overwhelming. Maybe you even got brave and asked your parents some questions which they may have taken as confrontation. Who did you think you were to question what they said or did? You probably backed down, regretted opening your mouth and conformed to their beliefs because you didn’t want to be admonished again.

Maybe you even did what I did and kept the peace. I got so good at it that I put others ahead of myself over and over again. Their feelings became more important than mine because I didn’t want to upset anyone and consequently I wound up feeling unworthy.

As I write this now and think back on my life, I can see how most of the time I was’t even the one running my life. When you become a person who pleases others, the people who prey on people like you just seem to find you.

Generally when you’re a giving person, a taker will be right there to help grab all that goodness. The problem is, they rarely give back. And if they do, they don’t let you forget it. Quid pro quo is the name of the game.

Once you start doing some reflection on your life and the players in it, you might get angry for having been taken advantage of. Then of course you realize you allowed it and the anger turns towards yourself.

But we need not be angry about it. What we need to do is understand that every person who enters our life is an exact mirror of how we feel about ourselves. The more you can understand this concept and really take it in, the more you will start to honor yourself first and then only people who honor themselves will find you. You won’t even have to go looking for them.

Recently someone from my past wanted to take a trip down memory lane and engage me in an argument.  Only their memories are far different from mine, which is often the case. You cannot heal old wounds when people refuse to acknowledge their part in creating them. Besides, I have worked too hard on myself to revisit the past and I don’t see the point in doing so. It’s the past. I live in the now. If you want to meet me there, we’re good.

When this person tried to go there with me, I simply said, “I don’t have to listen to this” and got up and left. I didn’t feel the need to tell my story or hear theirs because I have no ego. The ego wants to engage. It has to be right and prove others wrong. But who are we to say who is wrong? Everyone experiences a situation differently and the ego will always tell you that your experience is the one that is right.

But we don’t need to be right. We just need to be happy.

I have healed that part of my life but their projection onto me was a clear indicator that they had not. People will do this to you. Project their unhealed shit onto you. Often times they are mad at someone else, but you are the one who was taught to put others ahead of yourself when you were younger and they are still holding onto the part of you that did.

You can tell they are projecting because you won’t feel the need to engage. It’s a moment when you realize they are so angry (which is just an emotion they use to hide real pain) over time lost and they are incapable of taking accountability themselves, so they attack you; the person who was conditioned to play the scapegoat.

But you’re no longer willing to play that role. You’re now the star of your life, not the background or understudy.

You can’t get back time, so why keep going there? You have to take what you have today and make the best of it. If people won’t accept who you are now, then they aren’t people worth having in your life. I don’t care who they are.

When someone wants to be with you, they are with you. End of fucking story! They accept you for who you are, where you are on your journey and don’t judge you. They don’t make excuses, they don’t blame, shame or ridicule. They just show up and accept you completely just the way you are because they love you.

Honor yourself first and see who falls away. The ones who stay are the only ones who matter.