What Is Your Calling?

respond-to-every-call

a strong urge toward a particular way of life or career; a vocation.

While we are all at home now, there really isn’t a better time to explore your calling. And while you may not be able to jump all in (whether that is just your perception or not), you can take steps towards that which excites you, without overwhelming yourself.

I’m not sure what my calling is, but I do follow inner promptings (some might say this is spirit poking me) towards things that I am intrigued by.

I just finished a three day class on Meditation. I have always sat quietly with my thoughts, but never learned ways to get rid of the thoughts and go to a deeper place called samadhi. Funny thing is, I was exhausted from it! I literally fell into bed every night and then had the most vivid dreams.

I will continue with the practice because I enjoyed learning about it so much and have already looked into a class called yoga nidra. I have also thought about learning to teach yoga to incorporate all of this, but it could just be something that I think about and never do.

I am not bothered at all by this quarantine but that’s because I like being alone and home. I also like being around others and going places but down time allows me to think about what really matters most to me and how to go about doing it.

I am finally going to learn French because I keep getting reminder emails from Duo and Paris is my absolute favorite place. I have my course in Faster EFT that needs to be completed in order for me to move to level 2 and my oldest son and I started a screen play last summer that we need to finish. Believe it or not I still get auditions! Voice over recordings I do on my phone and self tapes I do in my make-shift home studio.

As you can see, I am not a person that is without things to do. I do create them though! It is my nature to do so, but I know that some people struggle with all of this time and isolation that they have been given and are having a hard time being home.

If you are one of those, then you might want to ask yourself why that is. Do you always feel the need to be around others? Are you trying to escape something? Someone? Maybe it’s you! Maybe you are afraid to look within and ask yourself what it is you truly want.

This time is really a gift. And while you must take precautions so that you don’t put yourself at risk or those you love, it doesn’t mean you have to stop living. In fact, if you are a person who has been putting off things you always talked about doing, now is the perfect time to start doing them.

There really is no excuse to not take this time for you. Allow yourself this moment to figure out what you want. And if you aren’t sure what that is, we have an incredible resource available to us called our imagination. You can tap into it at any time. And it’s free!

What is your calling? What lights you up? Excites you? Intrigues you? Brings you passion? Brings a smile to your face just thinking about it? Once you get an idea, take a few small steps in that direction. It may be as simple as making a list.

Need some inspiration to help you get started? I like to sit out in nature. I listen to the birds. I cheat and buy food for them so I always have them in my yard. Music is a great motivator. Put on a good tune and dance. Put on a sad one and cry. If you have a computer draft a book. Maybe you only get one line down. Keep coming back to it. We all have a story to tell. Paint! Paint by numbers are good. If you can, buy one on line. Do a puzzle.

This is not the time to be depressed. It’s a time to relish. We have been gifted this time because it was much needed. It is horrendous that it had to come the way it did, but it is here, so you have two choices. You can keep fighting the confinement or surrender to it.

I choose surrender! It’s easier, much more calming and allows my mind to take a much needed break from all of its processing.

What is your calling?

Are you going to answer or pretend you don’t hear it? Are you going to stay angry? Live in fear?

There has never been a better or more opportune time to go within, because you simply aren’t allowed to go out anymore.

 

 

Apology

a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

It’s Too Late To Apologize

Is it ever too late to apologize? I’ll leave that answer up to you.

The other day I got released from a really big job. My manager (the most amazing woman ever) apologized to me. It was completely unnecessary because that’s just the nature of the business, but she knows how hard I work and understood what it meant to me. She followed it up with a “I  believe in you.” It was truly heartfelt and I appreciated her acknowledgement of me as a person and an artist and the struggles that we go through.

But sometimes people apologize and don’t mean it. If you’re one of those, you should know that an apology without meaning is really manipulation. Have you ever had someone say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is the worst apology of all because it really isn’t one. What it is, is a passive aggressive way of saying I’ll let you think I am acknowledging your feelings, when really I don’t give a crap about them at all.

I have had a few turdy people do some pretty shitty things to me in my life and I have never expected an apology from any of them nor do I want one. An empty person can only beget an empty apology which leaves you feeling emptier, and I don’t know about you, but I would rather be at a table with those who bring something to it, in lieu of those who only know how to take.

Here are my thoughts on an apology.:

1)An apology is not a confession. If you’re confessing, you’re only thinking of yourself and not the person you are apologizing to.

2)An apology should not be done with an expectation either. This is called an agenda and an agenda is all about you.

3)An apology is not some magic pill that you think is going to make you feel better once you do it. You’re swimming back in the me waters again. Save that shit for the confessional!

4)An apology should not be done because you think it will make things better in a situation, like a family thing. This is called acting. A person in touch with another person’s feelings will know when they need to say they are sorry, it won’t be scripted.

5)An apology is not something that requires the right time or the right circumstance. If you think this way, then you live in denial, because there is no much thing.

In it’s simplest form, an apology is the acknowledgement of another person’s feelings and how you may have trampled all over them. In order to know this, you have to have empathy. You have to have the ability to understand the feelings of someone else and be able to share those feelings openly and honestly. If you can’t do that, then don’t bother with an apology because it won’t be taken as one. (See 1-5 for where you are coming from).

But there are those times when we think we might need to apologize to someone, when it isn’t necessary at all. I think these apologies are from our own guilt because we know we did something that may have upset someone else, but it wasn’t intentional. An apology with an energy of fear or trepidation around it might be some program you’re running which has absolutely nothing at all to do with the person you think you need to apologize to, and you might want to look further into that.

My gauge for apologizing is simple. If I can see, hear or sense that I have upset someone in my life that I care about, then I do not hesitate. The relationships I have are far more important to me than my ego, so I acknowledge my part in someone else’s sadness, anger or frustration because my heart becomes lighter when I do so. A heavy heart is a burdened one; let that shit go.

Relationships that matter to us aren’t always easy. Sometimes things are said or weren’t said, and we wish we could go back and do things differently. But living in the past doesn’t work for anyone because it’s over. It is the present that counts.

Our time, our energy, our attention lets the people we care about know that we hear them, see them and understand them and that no matter what is going on in our world, we honor them by noticing what is going on in theirs as well.

And at the end of the day, that’s all any of us really want, isn’t it? To be honored, seen, appreciated and loved for who we are, by those we care for most.

 

 

No One Has To Know

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No One Has To Know

One of my favorite shows is The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.  My favorite episode this past season was the one with Susie at the pool with Midge.

The timing, the writing, the humor. Oh my God! I watched it three times I loved it so much. When she talks about hating the heat, gets hit with the ball and then tries to swim…I love her!

And then there was this song in episode 6. This song! The words, the melody, the tragic scene before he performed it. It was heartbreaking.

I cannot imagine having a secret this big. To think that your truth could ruin your reputation, career, social standing or the way people perceive you? What do you do with that kind of secret?

Well, in the show it was obvious that he had to keep it a secret. People keep secrets because they feel that their truth will be misunderstood by others. Coming out back then would have meant the end of his career for embracing his authentic self. But today? I mean, come on! What secret is that big that you feel you have to keep it?

You think people will care and you probably imagine the worst, but most people are selfish and egotistical and would rather talk about themselves than you. And if you are worrying about what other people think so much, then you’re not living your life for you, are you? And that’s pretty sad.

People will always gossip. It’s their nature. Jealousy, envy, boredom. Some people gossip about others because they have nothing interesting to say about themselves.

So if someone is gossiping about you, then you can consider yourself lucky. You must be pretty awesome!  A really great thing about gossip is, people who do it don’t have the brass to talk about you to your face, so you’ll never know anyway.

But when people close to you do it…not so good. Here enters the discernment about who you share what with. I have personally ended relationships with friends who gossiped. I knew too well that if they spoke so freely about someone else, then they extended me the same courtesy as well.

It’s pretty simple but people over complicate it. At the end of the day, no one has to know who you truly are, who you love or why, unless you decide to tell them. That’s  so powerful! YOU GET TO DECIDE!

So, no one has to know…or do they? Choose the one that sets your heart free.

 

 

Let’s Dance

Lets Dance

Into the shadows. Our shadows!

We all have a shadow side. The part of us that we want no one else to see, to know.

But why? Why do we give a shit what others think of us? Is it low self-esteem? Not trusting in ourselves? Wanting… no not wanting..yearning for other people’s approval?

I’m so over it! But mostly people who care so much about something that doesn’t matter at all.

The truth is, when you accept who you are completely, others will do the same. It’s when we are on wavering ground that others have the upper hand and begin to question what we are doing and in turn, we question it too.

Let us not waver. Let us stand strong in the knowing of who we are and not need the approval of people who don’t.

Let’s dance! Let’s have a little fun! Let’s embrace who we are and be okay with it, even if our shadow side can be a little scary.

We are enough! We are perfect just the way we are. Shadow and all!

 

 

 

 

 

Undone

not tied or fastened.

not done or finished.

The other day I was listening to the radio and I heard the song, Come Undone.

It’s not so often that we literally see people come undone, they generally do it in their private space. But every now and then we witness someone completely losing their shit and we steer clear of them. This happens in New York City a lot.

Some people have a lot to be upset about. Life is full of twists and turns and often times our best laid plans, well…go array, which can make us feel powerless.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with coming undone. In fact, I think the undone part is necessary in order to be done again. If we don’t unravel at some point from the tight grip we have on our lives to the point of disallowing the miraculous in, then we aren’t really living at all, we’re playing it safe.

And while playing it safe might keep you from the illusion that you will never come undone, you probably already have.

They say a broken heart is an open heart. And while that may sound rather simple when it comes to hurt and pain, it’s true. The most important thing you can do with a broken heart though, is to make sure it stays open, not close it off with an 8 foot cement barrier wall.

Coming undone is about vulnerability. Some people might see this as a weakness, but it is really a strength. It’s when you take off the mask and become authentic. It’s admitting you don’t have all the answers, that occasionally you are wrong and no matter how much you think you do are doing a bang up job of keeping it together by keeping people out, you are only hurting yourself.

We are meant to come undone. To show who we really are and not to pretend to be something we are not. When we come undone the right people show up like they had been waiting in the wings all along. But until we get there, the shadows will remain and so will the people who dwell there.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather spend time in the light. It’s energizing, makes me smile and feels cozy, like a warm blanket all over.

COME UNDONE

My, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I’ve been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you
(Can’t ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can’t I believe you’re taking my heart
To pieces)
Oh, it’ll take a little time,
might take a little crime
to come undone now
We’ll try to stay blind
to the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone
Words, playing me deja vu
Like a radio tune I swear I’ve heard before
Chill, is it something real
Or the magic I’m feeding off your fingers
(Can’t ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can I believe you’re taking my heart
To pieces)
Lost in a snow-filled sky
We’ll make it alright to come undone now
We’ll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind and blow me in to cry
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone?
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone?
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone?
(Can’t ever keep from falling apart)
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone?

 

 

 

REINVENT

change (something) so much that it appears to be entirely new.

take up a very different job or way of life.

I have always reinvented myself in one way or another. I cut my hair off, grow it out again, change my style, take up a new interest, speak up for those who can’t, go vegan and then go paleo.

In short, I cannot be categorized, unless of course you would sum me up as free spirited. I like being free spirited, but the world doesn’t take too kindly to my sort, so they like to call us other things.

Rebel! Crazy! Volatile! Nuts! Psycho! Unstable! Wishy washy! Flakey! And the list goes on. All of these words have a negative connotation to them and they are given to others simply because people feel the need to categorize that which they do not understand. Or that which threatens them on some level.

People have to label things. I don’t know why. Perhaps in their pea sized brains they feel the need to control just about everything and everyone and if they can’t control you, then you are the one with the problem.

But I have a problem with that. I would rather change my looks, my opinions, my views (which I challenge you to do and welcome it), then be the same person I was 10 years ago, with the same views and opinions I had back then. If I’m still that person, then that means I am not evolving as a human being. Which is why I am always reinventing myself.

Reinvention is all about rediscovering yourself. Not the person you were told to be or the one that had expectations put on them by others, but the one who takes themselves out of their comfort zone and dares to explore new paths, new passions and new ways of being and thinking.

It doesn’t matter how many dreams you explore or how many don’t work out the way you had planned. There is no such thing as failure, unless you do nothing about your dreams at all.

How long have you worn your hair that way? Done the same exercise? Eaten the same foods? Done the same routine? Worked at the same job?

Is there a voice inside you that is yearning to be heard that you keep muffling out? Maybe it wants to take an art class. Maybe there’s a writer in you that you haven’t explored.

Did I think I would be learning to barber in my 50’s? I mean seriously! But yesterday I went and visited two schools just in case I don’t get the apprenticeship at the barber shop I’m trying out for.

Did I think I would be unloading dogs today that have spent their entire lives caged so that they can produce litter after litter of puppies for some piece of shit who makes money off of them? No! But I’m doing it!

Did I think I would be standing in my living room self taping myself with one device while I hear my voice on another one, so that I can submit myself for movies and television projects? Nope! But I do it and just got booked for a job.

I am being called to reinvent myself on a regular basis. And I answer it. I cannot wait for tomorrow to start living. There are no guarantees as to how long we have here. People who think there is always tomorrow are wrong. There is only today. Ever. And today is a great day to reinvent yourself.

Do something different today!

Anjaneyasana

Anjaneyāsana is an asana or yoga pose. The name Anjaneya is a matronymic (personal name) for Hanuman whose mother’s name is Anjani. Hanuman is a central figure in the epic Ramayana (an ancient Indian epic poem) and an important Ista-devata (cherished divinity) in devotional worship.

But if all of that is too much of a mouthful for you, then you just call it what I do: low lunge.

I love yoga! I try to go at least 4 times a week. I love that various poses will give you various benefits but I feel the overall benefit of yoga is the way it forces you to be with yourself. Well with yourself amongst a group of people. It’s where your thoughts have to take a backseat while you remember to breath through the poses. You become so focused on your breathing that you forget everything else.    

So if all goes well and my schedule isn’t interrupted, I could quite possibly take up to 16 classes in a month trying to open my heart. And while my heart might be wide open by the time I leave, if I don’t hold the door open for someone walking in, then I have already closed it.

If I don’t say good moring to the ladies at the corner who make sure I am safe when I cross the street? – Closed heart. Roll my eyes at the new cashier because I’m in a hurry and am cursing myself for not using the self check out line? – Closed heart. I see a homeless person asking for money and I pass them by. After all, what’s my dollar going to do and why can’t that guy work? – Closed heart. I’m at an audition and my arch rival is there, too. I noticed she cut her hair and it looks sexy, but I’m not going to say anything to her. – Closed heart. I’m exhausted from that damn audition and I had a horrible read, so I’m going to sit on the subway and I don’t care who looks like they are going to keel over, I’m not getting up. – Closed heart.

In one day I have closed my heart off so many times, it’s a wonder I can breathe. And chances are, I can’t. I will bring this negative energy with me back to the house and the dog will have inevitably eaten something (probably my shoes) and the other one will have pissed. Negativity breeds negativity. I am in a foul mood, so everything and everyone I see will reflect that shit back to me.

Which is why I choose to be Snow White. Little birds floating off my shoes, as I dance with life which is nothing more than a giant adventure. Everyday goes according to how I choose it.  And I choose love. I consciously choose it. I have no other choice. When I am angry I see what that brings, so I make an effort to keep my heart open and give to others what I want in return.

It works most of the time. If it doesn’t, then I know it has nothing to do with me. Some people can’t accept love because they don’t love themselves. I don’t care if they think I’m a weirdo or some hippy chick that hugs trees. I just don’t. I know who I am, what I’m all about and I am not going to close my heart because someone has closed theirs.

But what most of us forget, is that an open heart is a broken heart. Mine has been broken many times. But I’m not going to let that stop me from loving. And I have loved greatly! A broken heart means you have loved. Which means you are capable of it.

Yeah, sometimes we take a chance and someone stomps all over our heart, but that doesn’t mean you continue to let them hurt you by closing it off to others. The right person knows what you’re bringing and honors it. They want that good stuff! That hot sugary mess! (I’m quoting AP Bio here-one of my faves).

If you close your heart, then you close your mind.  And once the mind gets involved those thoughts never stop coming. You have to feel your way with your heart. Your heart knows. It never lies. It’s that feeling you get despite what your mind tells you. It’s a surge of emotion, a giddiness, a stupid grin on your face for no reason at all and the part of you that allows yourself to dream about what the mind tells you is impossible.

Follow your heart. And if it’s not prompting you, then find a yoga studio so they can help you.