Self Sabotage

When we think of the word sabotage, we don’t get a good feeling. It literally means to destroy something and it is deliberate. This even sounds harsh! But what is far worse than sabotage, is the kind we to do ourselves.

You know you are self sabotaging when you are in an avoidance state. For one reason or another you hold yourself back from doing what you want to do. Your heart is calling you to the table so that you may feast on life’s bounty, and you are pretending you don’t hear it. You bury yourself in work, books, exercise…it doesn’t matter, you just ignore it.

You may want that job that you dream about and then when you meet someone who works at the company, you say you already have a job or you may even walk away from the person rather abruptly. As long as it remains in your head you are safe, but when it steps in front of you it’s too real, so you run the other way.

You say you want to lose weight but then will run out to McDonalds and order a Bic mac fries and of course, a diet Coke. On some level you don’t feel like you will ever reach your ideal weight, so you make sure it won’t happen.

Perhaps your fondest desire is to be in love, but you stay home every night and watch tv instead. People may even try to fix you up and maybe you go out to appease them. You meet a person who lights you up and your heart feels a stir. Your ego immediately steps in and reminds you of the last person who broke your heart and you shut yourself off. You come up with a million and one reasons why it won’t work and never see the person again.

Why is it someone would say they want something and then do nothing about it, when they are presented with an opportunity to have what they dream of? Because talking means feeling. If we have to express how we feel about something or someone and have been deeply hurt in our past, then we will do whatever we must in order to avoid feeling anything at all.

You may have distorted beliefs at this point that you are not loveable, likeable, marketable, whatever it is that you are believing about yourself. You will project onto others what you feel deep within and turn away people who only see your light, not the darkness you perceive that you hold.

If you are carrying wounds that are this deep, you will either consciously or unconsciously sabotage everything you say you want in order to seemingly “protect” yourself, but what you are really doing is playing small. You are denying yourself happiness, love, all of the ooey gooey stuff that comes when you are living the life of your dreams and freedom from your past. You are essentially still living in your past, if you are self sabotaging. So while you may think you have outrun the devil, it’s actually sitting on your shoulder, every time you deny yourself what it is you want.

We are all a work in progress. No matter how much work we do on ourselves, there is always more to uncover. There is no such thing as someone who is better than us, more advanced, more spiritual, more anything. We are all just people living our lives, trying to do what’s right and maybe if we are more open instead of closed, we will see that under the need to sabotage things, there is really a yearning for freedom from all of our old wounds.

If your heart calls you to do something, then listen. Your ego has kept you small for too long. It’s time to shine and receive all of the gifts that life is trying to offer you.

Guides

When I was learning to cut hair I was told you had to follow your guide. This perplexed me. I took such a simple concept and made it into something so much more complicated than it was and thus, I never learned to cut hair, so I colored it instead.

I never really liked coloring hair. I mean it was fun to paint; it appealed to the little kid in me. But the whole chemistry part did not. People don’t understand how complicated it really is and well, all you have to do is look around and you will see a lot of really bad color! You see a lot of bad hair cuts too!

When you make your first cut in the hair, it serves as the foundation for the entire cut. That’s right! That first snip. The next time you get your haircut you will notice how they go around your head. You’re probably reading a paper or chatting it up and don’t even notice the rhythm they are making.

You can tell when someone doesn’t follow their guide because they get lost in the cut. This is when they give you a cut but it feels off balance the minute you leave the shop. You just know when you get a good cut and when you don’t.

Life and a good haircut are pretty much the same. When we follow the proper guide we get good results. If we follow the wrong guide, we get lost. We might take advice from people who seem well-meaning, but we find ourselves getting further and further away from our vision.

Most of the guides in our life have been there since birth. We might pick up a few new ones along the way, but if we have not done any inner work, they will still resemble our past and what we have grown accustomed to. Pretty much like a stylist who cuts hair the same way, without giving any thought to who is in their chair.

Not all hair is the same. Nor are all people. You can’t give someone with super fine hair a layered cut. And you can’t give someone who is sensitive your usual way of non empathy if you expect to get good results with them.

Like a bad haircut where the stylist loses their guide, sometimes we lose our way in life because we follow the wrong advice and sometimes what we want to hear and what we need to hear are very different. We get used to our old ways of doing things and aren’t too keen to learn new ones.

We can always choose to work on ourselves if we don’t like where we are, just as a stylist can take new classes to enhance their skills. Maybe they learn to use a razor or clippers and learn a traveling guide instead of a stationery one. Maybe they even throw some over-direction in the mix and the next thing you know they’re creating a whole new style for themselves. The same can be done for you.

What guide are you currently following? Is it someone who supports you and your choices? Someone who embraces all of you instead of only part? Is it someone you respect? Is it someone who inspires you? Someone who loves you without conditions? Because if you are following one of those guides, then you should wind up with a terrific style. If not, then you’ll be that person who is always looking for someone else to fix them.

When I worked in salons there was always that one client who had seen everybody. No matter what anybody did, they were never happy. Whether it was a good cut or a bad one, they still complained. I never gave it much thought as to why they did, but now I realize they were just following their guide; someone who had done this way before them.

Junior’s guide was his mama. She told him to take his time and don’t rush to get old. Mine told me to wear a white t-shirt so I wouldn’t get burned and never put anyone down until I put myself in their shoes first.

Some guides give you advice that works and others don’t. If you want a balanced life or a balanced haircut, you gotta follow the right guide. Who is yours?

Expectations

a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

What is a life without expectations? Freedom.

When we have expectations of another person fulfilling our vision, we set ourselves up for disappointment. How can we expect someone else to think the way we do? To understand what we have been through? To share the same values, the same grievances, the same joys, hopes, fears, dreams, etc.

But so many of us have expectations of others and live a life that is half instead of full. We expect someone else to come along and be our other half and fulfill us, when we haven’t even done it ourselves.

How can anyone do that? And why would you want them to?

When you leave yourself open to giving your power away on this level, at some point when you level up or they do and decide you can fulfill yourself, you might find the person you put all of those hopes and wishes into lacking. You might even feel like a person who bought a car you thought ticked all the boxes, only to find out it was a lemon. Now you’re feeling like you’ve been bamboozled.

But you weren’t. Your expectations of what you thought that person could bring you was exactly what you needed in order to learn the lesson of self worth.

When we value ourselves we do not look outside of ourselves for anything. We know that no one can fulfill our expectations. No one but us.

It is just far too much pressure on someone for them to fulfill your emptiness; the void you have within yourself that begs to be filled.

Why don’t you fill it? Give it what it wants! If you still don’t know what that is I’ll tell you. LOVE!

It’s almost Valentine’s Day…why not give yourself that big box of chocolates or a card professing your unconditional love? Take yourself out to dinner! Order in! Do something special for yourself and stop waiting for someone to do it for you.

The best relationships are the ones where two people are giving and receiving equally. If you’re giving your cup of love to an empty vessel, then you will always be thirsty.

Give yourself what you seek from another and you will never be thirsty again.

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Back in the Day

Okay, so the words of this song are a bit over the top, but the beat? Come on! You could dance for hours in a circle to it, which is what I used to do…back in the day.

Didn’t you do that too? You would be at a club and a song would play forever, the same beat over and over and you just moved around in a circle sweating to death, drinking your drink until you either lit a cigarette on the wrong end or ran out of money; both indicators that it was time to leave. Well actually it didn’t matter if you ran out of money because someone was always willing to buy you a drink.

You’ll be happy to know that this beat hasn’t changed much. Kids are still dancing in clubs when there isn’t covid, to this exact one. Maybe not the underwear lyrics, although you gotta love the creativity of it all but the beat for sure. Two of my boys told me this.

I miss the clubs! I frequented them a lot when I was younger; like every Friday, Saturday and of course, Sunday. Sunday was the big night for me! I was a hairdresser and we didn’t usually work on Mondays because salons were often closed.

Back in the day I had so much cash from tips, I kept it in my freezer. Talk about cold cash! I didn’t know where else to put it and a friend told me they kept their’s there, so that’s what I did for awhile.

When I think back on how much money I pissed away, I cringe. It was another salary for sure! But I called it fun money and fun is what I had with it!

Back in the day there was no Uber or cell phones, so you made plans ahead of time over the telephone with your friends and then made your way across town in a car with a designated driver (or one who could at least keep it together after copious amounts of liquor) and met them at the bar or dance club you had decided on. You never went alone, even if that meant you went with someone who made let’s just say…not the best choices.

I had a friend like that. (She shall remain nameless). My sister reads this blog so she will know who I am talking about. I will say that when she had too much to drink she started talking to you out of the side of her eyes and she rarely went home with who she came with.

Back in the day you could do that sort of thing. We saw the same people out wherever we went and the chances of something bad happening were pretty slim.

We went to raves before they were called that. Back in the day they were called a BULA boy party and we paid ten dollars to drink all night in an empty building to music. We later found put that BULA stood for Bring us lots of a@@. And boy did it!

It’s funny to look back on your past and those times when you probably didn’t make the healthiest or wisest decisions but you were with your friends living life and that’s pretty much what young people are supposed to do.

Back in the day there was time for that and you didn’t worry too much about your future or getting a job because there was always a job and the future wasn’t something you gave too much thought to.

Nowadays kids are overwrought with anxiety about their futures because in todays world they look pretty bleak. And jobs? Well..those are few and far between and they are competing for them with adults who have been laid off.

I don’t know how much fun kids are having at college now. I guess they try to but with lock downs and all the rules and regulations, parties, bars and discos aren’t opened. They do have social media, but personally I think it’s worked against them rather then for them.

Back in the day you didn’t know there was a party you weren’t invited to. Now you know instantly. Back in the day Jenny may have liked you enough to invite you to sit next to her and then talk about you behind your back the next day, now she will tell the world just what a b-otch she thinks you are and get a thousand likes.

I don’t know. When I look back I think I had it pretty good. At the time I probably complained, but now…I think I did alright. I had fun, learned some lessons and all of those experiences made me the person I am today.

A person who faces adversity like a warrior, cries like a baby with a rash when she’s upset or someone upsets someone she loves and cherishes the people in her life who love her unconditionally.

Back in the day we didn’t have all the bells and whistles we have today, but we did have friends. Real friends. Ones that had our back and held our hair when we had too much too drink.

I miss those friends. Hell, I just miss discos!

Weeds

weeds

I like the wild and how nature is allowed to express itself unapologetically. But weeds, however, can often be a bit of a nuisance. I like to pull them. There is something really cathartic about doing it. It is one thing that gives me immediate gratification for all of the hard work I have put in. In our day to day lives it can often take months or years to see the fruits of our labors, so I really appreciate this simple task.

And while I like to pull weeds, there are several that are beautiful and worth keeping.  They actually provide several benefits, as long as they aren’t over-taking your garden.  In a way, we often treat people the way we treat weeds; ignoring their beauty because we are so blinded by their appearance or resume.

We disregard them, cast them aside, never let them reach their potential, ignore them all together and never give them a chance, simply because we have pre-conceived notions about them that probably aren’t even true. We make snap judgements and convince ourselves they are nothing more than an inconvenience on our path to wherever it is we think we are headed.

Weeds, like people, serve a purpose, no matter how stubborn, obnoxious, annoying or useless you think they might be. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. We learn about ourselves from every encounter, and if we listen, we learn about others as well. Often times the most difficult and frustrating encounters teach us the most. We learn to love ourselves more and never allow any of the bad weeds to poison our garden again.

When you start to get this concept you become keenly aware of people who are authentic. The more awakened you become to this, the more you attract like-minded individuals. But what do you do about the weeds that cling to your garden, threatening all of the beautiful blooms you are trying to create? You step into your power, speak your truth and then allow others to be where they are on their journey instead of forcing them to meet you on yours, understanding there is no right or wrong place to be.

You would think that the circles I run in are filled with a bunch of phonies, but they’re not. There is a nice thing that happens when you become more conscious of who you are and what matters most. You start to appreciate people for what they have to offer, rather than holding them to some unrealistic expectation. You let go of perfect and just allow what is, even if it means letting go.

On a weekly basis I literally see the same faces, vying for the same jobs.  And while this is a known, we all support one another, respect who we are as individuals and understand that if we are not chosen for a particular job it has nothing to do with us as a person, it was simply the client’s vision and nothing more than that.

The vision usually involves weeds; the bad kind. Personally speaking, the kind I would like to kick to the curb once and for all. Ad agencies who cast commercials are filled with girls in their twenties. They have this idea that women over 50 all have gray hair and take pills. So not true! They categorize us by what they think the “norm” is, but most actresses and print models are not the norm.

I’m not your typical woman and neither are the women I audition with. If you want typical, hire your own mother, not me. I keep wondering when the world is going to wake up and stop categorizing women as weeds that should be discarded, once they reach a certain age. It’s so yesterday! Even my agent falls prey to this because he wants to make money-it’s his job. After my last photo shoot he called the photographer and yelled at her, saying I looked too glamorous.  She was distraught. She loved the photos and so did I.

I’m not going to apologize for who I am, how I look or be the kind of weed you discard. I may not be the rose in the garden or even the lavender, but I’m still fucking awesome. I hate commercials. I’m an actress. I live for the theatre, love to play characters and yearn to be seen and heard for who I am, not what you think I should be.

We’re all actors! We yearn to be seen and heard for who we are. To be loved or at least liked…a lot.  No matter how hard we climb, how hard we pretend and how hard we try to avoid what seems to be the inevitable, what we all really want is to be recognized and honored for you we really are.

As simple as it is, it’s true. No matter who you are, what you do, or how much you make, you just want to feel special.