The Saboteur

If you have never heard of archetypes, this is one of them. You can do the research yourself about them, I’d start with Carolyn Myss, as she wrote a whole book on them.

The Saboteur, in short, is one of the survival archetypes. We will literally sabotage a career, relationship and the things we say we want most in this world, if we have this archetype. And why would we do that you ask? Because we can’t help it. We have been conditioned by our subconscious mind to steer clear of anything it perceives as a threat to our wellbeing.

The subconscious mind is so powerful, it has been given the task of protecting you from any situation or person that remotely reminds you of a past experience that left you feeling abandoned, rejected, disregarded, unloved, unwanted, disliked, undervalued, shunned, unwelcome, spurned, outcast…the list goes on. Your subconscious mind has memorized all of your comfort zones and it will do everything it can to keep you in them, no matter how different the situation or person is, in front of you.

Even if you meet someone new or are offered a job that looks promising and gets you all excited, the very reason that it is new, will make your subconscious feel threatened. You might try and take steps towards that which is calling you, but BOOM! You will shut down. Your subconscious will take over and say, “We’ve got this! No need to worry yourself. Just sit back and do nothing and we will all be safe.”

You might try to bypass the subconscious, but she takes her job very seriously. She will literally make you feel uncomfortable in your own body if you attempt to do anything new or different. For example, you might agree to audition for a movie that shoots in LA and then when you get the script you find things wrong with it. Things like…the location, the lines, the people, the weather, the paper, etc….Everything will be wrong even if there isn’t anything, but you’ll find it.

You’ll feel a pit in your stomach the size of a city at the mere thought of doing this project. You might start to hyperventilate. Then you get mad at yourself. “How could you have agreed to this?” You can’t sleep because every thought is about that project. So you wake up the next day, call your agent and make up one of a hundred excuses you have in that little excuse book of yours called, “Self Sabotage 101” and you hang up the phone. You feel instant relief and tell yourself, “Never again!” And feel as though you dodged a bullet.

But then a few days go by and someone close to you asks “What do you really want?” You look at them confused. “You know what I want! I want to be in a movie, on a show.” “Then why do you keep turning down things?” And that’s when you realize your 15 year old is far more insightful then you are.

This was during quarantining; I mean, what else is there to do but drink and think about how messed up your life is? So I started thinking about mine.

From the mouth of babes! It got me thinking though. Why was I turning down the exact thing that I said I wanted? And then it hit me. For years I have had agents. Most people can’t get one. I’ve helped several; even waiters at random restaurants I eat at. It’s like the crowning jewel to them, and there I was with an entire crown!

Always happy to have the agent, happy to get the audition, but then when I am on the cusp of booking a job, panic sets in. My heart palpitates, my hands sweat (well, they always do that, just a little more profusely) and I sleep like shit thinking about the job. How pathetic is that?

I have sabotaged myself from some pretty amazing opportunities. Just Monday I did it again. Had a callback for a huge job and my computer froze. Did I do it? Perhaps. Maybe not. Who knows! All I know is, the client was there, the casting director was there and a few more random people, but Gretchen… she wasn’t there! I mean come on! Let’s think about this metaphorically. The computer froze. Or did I?

This happens to all of us who are letting the saboteur run front and center in our lives. We are merely keeping ourselves safe, or so we think. A situation arrises that calls for you to be brave, and yet you can’t even find your shoes. You might even forget how to tie them. You miss that important phone call because your alarm didn’t go off, or did you forget to set it? You meet someone you are attracted to but the saboteur won’t even let you get close enough to them to ask their name. Every hair on your body stands on end, signaling you of the girl who ripped your heart out after she stole every penny in your bank account. Never doing that again! Nope! Uh huh!

We will sabotage ourselves from living the life of our dreams, because the subconscious is that powerful. I’ve done it a hundred times!

I bet if I asked you to think of an experience that left you feeling like you weren’t good enough, you could come up with one in a millisecond. Oddly enough, we have to think a little longer to come up with a good memory; one where we felt loved and accepted for who we were. This is how conditioned we are to shooting ourselves in the foot!

I don’t believe things happen randomly. And I have worked on myself for so long, especially the last few years, that I finally get that things don’t happen to us, they happen for us. This is extremely empowering and I hope if you are reading this, that is something you will take away.

Things happen for us so that we can recognize where we have patterns. Where we might actually be sabotaging ourselves from the life we say we want, but are too afraid of what happened to us last week or ten years ago to move forward.

A life without facing fears is a life that is not fulfilling, it is a life of settling. It’s one that keeps us on the side of the fence looking over it, wondering if the grass really might be a little greener over there, but we will never know. We will just live in our yard, doing our thing, while we talk about others who take chances either begrudgingly or with admiration.

I promised my son I would say yes to every audition since I made this discovery of sabotage. And I have. I cannot be a person who tells him to follow his dreams, no matter how painful, frustrating, sad or hard, and not do the same.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s time you said hello to the things that scare the hell out of you, and said goodbye to fear. Maybe all of those things that inspire you and get you all excited will be right in front of you, as though you snapped your fingers and they suddenly appeared.

P.S. They’ve been there all along, but you were probably looking through the subconscious frames instead of the conscious ones.

Timing

Sometimes in life, more often than not, we run across a little thing called timing.

This can pertain to relationships, jobs or anything in-between. I have had many jobs put in front of me, dangling like the proverbial carrot, only to have them taken away as quickly as they came in. I say taken, cause that’s what it feels like when you want something so bad and don’t get it.

But the truth is, nothing is taken from us. I think what really happens, is that we don’t allow it in. We think we are, by simply willing it, thinking about it or just wanting it to death, but then when it shows up we don’t quite know that to do with it.

Our fears get the best of us and we talk ourselves out of so many wonderful things in life. We might even pray for things, but when they are gifted to us we scoff at it and ignore it, thinking we know what is best, when maybe the powers that be know better. Maybe what we think is better for us, is actually the worst and that’s why it doesn’t show up.

We can cry over spilled milk to the end of our days, talk about the should haves and the could haves all we want, and of course, bring in the ole timing aspect. But the real truth as to why we do not live lives that are full, rich and completely free of drama, is that we are afraid of losing something called control.

We think if we have control over how something is supposed to happen, when it is supposed to happen and even how, then everything will be okay.

But what if life is showing us something different? What if this pandemic has been trying to show us that there is no such thing as perfect timing or wrong timing? What if it’s trying to show us that time is an illusion. That the only thing we ever really have control over, is how we feel in this moment.

Life would be a whole lot simpler and so much less chaotic, if we all realized this. If we understood just how fleeting time really is. We do not have control over time. The only thing we do have control over, us how we manage our time and who we spend it with.

Your watch and my watch may say different times, depending on whose battery is better or where you live. But when it comes down to it, it isn’t about timing and where you are at or where I am. It just comes down to people agreeing to live in the moment, enjoy where they are, who they are with and know that nothing else matters. Nothing!

Timing is not a bitch, unless you make her one. Allow your heart to lead you instead of your head. How different would your life be, if you did this one simple thing?

Need You To Be You 100%

I’m sure you have heard the term “reinvent yourself”

But what if we don’t really reinvent ourselves at all? What if we just become who we were meant to be?

We all grow up in different environments with people who are running programs from the way they were raised. If you’re lucky, you had a parent like I did who wanted to do better.

My mother was never given a voice as a child and so she decided to raise my brother and sister and I with one. She listened to everything we said. And still does! My father just did what she said because he loved her and worked all the time.

This worked for awhile and when I tell you I had no problems as a kid, I mean it. The problems started when my parents divorced and married other people who brought their own programs into the dynamic.

My Eutaptics coach, Ilka is baffled by this. Most people have trauma early on, but not me. My troubles didn’t start until I lived with people who had deep wounds. I didn’t know they did, I was just a kid trying to navigate her way through a divorce from two people who seemed to love one another and found herself having to deal with two adults who were threatened by me and my very existence.

Sometimes I can’t believe I lived through it. I suffered emotional and mental abuse and consequently feelings of deep abandonment because neither parent put me first. I was put to the backseat while their new partners were given the front.

Every day of my high school years I was in survival mode. I drank and smoked pot while driving, gained 20 pounds to get attention because I learned that when I shined others felt their shine was diminished. I stopped being me, but found that I could still get my father’s attention by being fat. He made jokes all the time to his skinny new wife and her kid at my expense.

Consequently, I looked for love from anyone who would give it to me in my twenties and thirties. I made horrible choices in relationships and always attracted the same type of guy. You know the one! Seems to have it all together but doesn’t even know how to love themselves, so they can’t possibly love you.

It was’t until I was well into adulthood that I started to see what all of the damage had done to me. All of the garbage that I had been fed for three years by people who didn’t know how to love themselves, let alone a teenage girl who was nothing more than a nuisance and a threat to their new beginnings with someone else.

Sadly, their limiting beliefs had become my own. I realize this now due to the inner work I’ve done, which is why I have no hatred or hard feelings towards anyone. it just is what it is and that’s okay.

Which makes me wonder, who are we without other people’s shit? I think we are who we were meant to be.

My message for you today is this: You need to be 100%! All the time and every minute of the damn day! If you are anything less, than you are settling for all of the garbage that was fed to you, too.

Reinvent or rebirth? I say neither. Just do you! You’ve done what everyone else has wanted thus far. How’s that working for you?

Give yourself and the world 100% and see where that takes you!

Can’t Touch This

Yesterday I took a stroll down the aisles of Barnes and Noble for the first time in months. I was so excited to have the opportunity to peruse the store, even though I detest wearing a mask. I was happy to though, just so I could be around all those books.

When I entered I was greeted by a man who was keeping count of the people coming in which seems to be commonplace now. It’s so bizarre and I think if we would have all seen a mini movie of this, we wouldn’t have believed it, but it is what it is, so we go along with it.

I went up the stairs to try and find a good read for my boat trip that is coming up and then I was immediately disappointed by something I hadn’t expected. Signs reading, “Do not touch a book unless you plan on purchasing it” were everywhere.

What? How the hell can I buy a book, if I don’t pick it up and read the back cover? Am I supposed to just take a stab at one like I do with wine, by looking at the label/cover? I felt deflated. All of that excitement of getting in the store was gone.

I love books! I love holding them, which is why I don’t like the Kindle. I have one, but never use it. I think it was a gift. I can’t highlight anything, dog ear the pages or take notes in a page if I want to. Plus it runs out of charge. Paper books don’t run out of charge, they just exist forever and always until you give them away or the pages tear from the binding.

I ended up picking a book from an author I have read before, but wasn’t very excited about my purchase. I like to find treasures and the only way to find them, is to go searching for them. But you can’t very well make new discoveries unless you can dig, and in order to dig, you have to use your hands.

I am always finding the humor in things, but this new way of living has me stumped because I’m finding things that were completely off the wall, acceptable now.

Like banks. I took my youngest to the bank to open him a high school account and laughed at the irony of being in a bank with a mask on. Everyone in there had one on. I mean, come on! That’s funny! Can you imagine ever thinking that would be a thing? And one that was insisted upon? Like you can’t even enter a bank now without one!

While I want to find the humor in not being able to touch books, I just couldn’t. I don’t know about you, but I am a person who feels. I have to feel, I need to feel, I exist to feel. And now I can’t. I’m covering my mouth, which is one of my most attractive qualities and well as yours, because we smile that way. Often times all you have to do is smile at someone and it transforms our day as well as theirs. But there isn’t any of that anymore.

Just eyes. We’re only seeing eyes now. Eyes that Judge one another or roll when a simple act of sneezing is done.

So if I can’t touch books, then I will continue to find things that touch my heart, cause nobody has control over that but me.

Me and Mr Jones

I loooove Amy Winehouse! This song is so fantastic, especially the first part about fuckery. I mean, come on! Who hasn’t wanted to call somebody about on theirs? 

But that’s not OUR job, is it? We might think it is, especially when we start to see things in a new light and have a keen awareness that some of the people in our lives are actually pretty shady.   

When you become more conscious and see a clear distinction between what you want and the agenda others have (probably more of out a tower moment or disaster), you start to see the many ways in which you have settled for less than what you deserve. 

You start to hear people differently and wonder if they talked this way to you all along. It’s as though you had ear plugs in or a huge wax build up, but all of a sudden your ears are attuned to everything, like a wild animal in the jungle.

Oh boy! And the things you see!  Once those blinders come off, there’s no putting them  back on. You may notice the way people treat others like you are viewing their interactions for the first time. You might be caught so off guard, that you want to crawl under a table or run in the opposite direction so that no one sees you with them. 

You also become aware of the not so subtle nuances of how they take you for granted, take advantage of your good heart and worst of all, do it with a smile. They pretend to have your back when they don’t and will throw you under the bus, any bus, the minute they can. 

Fuckery for sure, but let’s be honest here. We have to be accountable for this treatment, don’t we? I mean, as much as it’s easier to blame someone else for our pain, we have to ask those really hard questions that most of us don’t even know exist.

How did I attract this in the first place? What was it in me that invited this into my life? Where am I unhealed? What is it I need to love more about myself, so that I don’t ever have to attract this pain and misery into my life again?

Yeah! Those are some pretty tough questions, but if there are people in your life that make you feel bad, then chances are you already don’t feel good about who you are because you wouldn’t have attracted them in the first place.

Life is all about learning and growing. Often times it takes painful situations in order for us to learn a lesson. It doesn’t have to be this way, but we are stubborn. We look past all of the warning signs that were probably there from the get go, and eventually those little red flags become landmines and we find ourselves literally walking on eggshells to avoid any conflict. 

But it still happens. It is all by design. And if you don’t learn to love the parts of you that you think need to be hidden away, then you will continue to attract people who do the same. Talk about skeletons in the closet! Some people are pretty fucking scary and they are very savvy at keeping that shit hidden. 

In this song, as much as she calls out her guy on his fuckery, she still loves him and knows that in the end, he is only playing himself.

You see, the moral here, is that it’s better to be authentic. Simply put, that means being your crazy ass self. It is far better to attract people who really get you, than people who only get the surface one.

Like attracts like. Remember that!