Doors

HOGLP4MU

a doorway.

When my middle son was looking at choices for colleges it was clear to me which was the best option for him. But being that I am the type of mom who likes my children to empower themselves and make their own choices, I said nothing.

Until he was struggling with the doors he had in front of him. So many of the doors were gilded and full of shit, while others weren’t as fancy but would provide a fine experience for him.

Then there was the one door that had been wide open the moment he started the process. They gave him the highest scholarship, was the first one to want him, and sent him all kinds of school rah rah trying to get him to commit. But he wasn’t feeling it.

In fact, he closed the door. Pursued other doors. He took himself on this exhausting trip of not feeling good enough until finally, I showed him the door again. The one that was decorated in rainbows, throwing dollar bills at him and welcoming him with open arms.

“This is a door that wants you.” I said. “All you have to do is walk through it.” And so he did. Sight unseen, he will be attending the Kelley Business School in the fall.

Life is filled with doors. There are those doors with bright colors and ornate handles that we walk through, thinking all of the glory in the world will be on the other side of it, only to find that it was nothing more than a facade. Not only was it a facade, it wasn’t even wood, that shit was particle board.

So you try another door. A little more solid looking. It’s painted white, seemingly stable, but you walk through that door and the crazy is rampant. It hid all of it’s dysfunction, pretended to be something else and you’re running for the exit.

Then there’s the door that was open. It was welcoming, maybe even pursued you, sort of out of left field, and yet you looked at that door and thought, “It’s too easy.” “There must be something wrong with it.” “What’s the catch?” “I’m not ready for this.” “I don’t want it.”

So you slammed that door and left all that it had to offer. Now after visiting all of the other doors, you are thinking back on that door and wondering why you didn’t walk through it. Maybe you’re even wondering if it’s still possible to do so. How do you walk through a door that you previously slammed?

The answer is, you just do! You can always revisit a door you chose to close at one time. Remember…you are the one who chose to do so, so in order to revisit that door, you have to approach it, ring the bell, pound on it, whatever you do when you go to a door, just do that and witness the door re-opening to you.

Do we really need to open a thousand knobs in order to get to a place of knowing what serves our highest good? Well, if you’re one of those, then keep knocking, I like walking through doors, because the more doors I walk through, the more opportunities I get.

It’s pretty simple and need not be complicated. It’s a door. Simply approach the fucking thing. And don’t tell me fear is keeping you from it. That’s bunk! I face doors everyday. I simply buzz the door, turn the knob and show up because it brings me joy.

I am not afraid of rejection because there is no such thing. A door that was previously opened to you can never be fully closed. Unless of course you keep it that way.  A door that was previously closed to you can always be opened, but sometimes we need it to be cracked just a bit so we know it’s okay to approach it again.

Doors are awesome! I took photos of them in Paris because they were so unique. We are all doors really. It’s the face we show the world. Hopefully your door reflects who you are internally, and if it doesn’t, do some repairs, it’s not someone else’s job to fix you.

And if you’re good, keeping walking through the doors that inspire you and make you happy. Slam the ones that’s don’t.

 

 

 

Balance

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an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.

a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions.

I try to do yoga 4-5 times a week. Yoga is all about balance, much like life is. Often times one of my sides if off balance and I cannot get into a pose really well or hold one as long as the other.

If you are into any type of energy work or spirituality, then you know that the right side of the body represents masculine and the left side represents feminine. I am fascinated by this when people complain of aches or pains on one side of their body and I wonder where they are off balance in their thoughts, actions, and feelings.

The masculine side is characterized by logic, facts, systems, and self-interest. The feminine side uses intuition, feelings, openness, and the unselfishness of our nature. If we see them as separate, instead of embracing both qualities within us, then we are living in duality.

If both sides are in harmony, then your masculine and feminine energies are balanced and you have better health, harmony, and are conscious to all beings. You may have heard the terms divine masculine and divine feminine; this is unity within, which in turn, will foster unity without.

In order to have healthy relationships with partners, nature and everything in-between, there has to be a union of these two energies within us first. But most of us do not have this and our relationships will reflect where we are off balance.

We are currently off balance at this particular time in history. We are anxious, fearful, panicked, overwhelmed and angry. Shelves are empty and people are scared. We are ignoring one another instead of helping and staying as far away from anyone that we even perceive as a threat.

Where is the humanity in any of it? Human touch is what makes us all thrive, yet we are afraid to even look at one another.

I don’t know about you, but I refuse to buy into the fear. I cannot control what happens tomorrow, nor can you. The best that I can do is be responsible, make smart choices that don’t put myself or others in danger and keep doing what I do.

I’m not wearing a mask, I don’t have any Purel, I haven’t stock-piled toilet paper, and I most certainly haven’t stopped my yoga practice or auditions. In fact, I think I might go out to eat later and enjoy a nice dinner with a glass of wine.

Call me irresponsible, call me crazy or call me ignorant. I don’t care. I’m calling it living without fear because feeding into it, only creates more hysteria and I don’t operate from that place. If I have learned one thing on this journey, it’s to respond not react; there really is a difference.

All that is being asked of you at this moment, is to remain balanced. To stay calm. Love those in your life a little more because you are being forced to be with them now and maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Look at the positive and stop focusing on the negative and all of this will leave as fast as it came.

Nurture the feminine aspect of yourself and the masculine one as well. We are not at war with one another, in fact, we are in this together. This is an opportunity for us all to unite and make conscious choices that will raise the vibration of our planet, instead of ones based on fear that lower it and send us all into a tailspin.

Love, laugh, play games, share meals, talk. Everything happens for a reason-maybe this one is simply to appreciate what we have and those who are in our lives, just a little more.

In The Arms Of An Angel

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In The Arms Of An Angel

This morning at 6am I did a good thing for myself and went to yoga. Sometimes I go even when I am not feeling it, because I know that is when I need it most. It grounds me. The place I go to is a real community too and speaks all the spiritual lingo I like, which I appreciate.

But this morning when I arrived the instructor was in the room stretching to this song and I had to leave and go to the bathroom to wait for it to finish.

This song reminds me of my brother, Dean, who died at the age of 30. God, he was just a kid! I’ve gone through his things a hundred times looking for clues, and I see evidence of a young man who was sentimental, scared and feeling so despondent.

He kept cards we had all given him and ticket stubs from baseball games and the like. His life was barely getting started and my life has never been the same since his death.

As hard as I tried to get my head around the news when I first heard it, I just couldn’t accept it.

I had been out for the evening with my ex-husband. One of the only nights we took a much needed break from owning a restaurant. My sister was sitting in the back booth when I came in and simply said, “You need to call Mom.” She was so odd, I remember saying, “Did she win the lottery?”

She didn’t win the lottery, but she did have a police officer show up at her house and tell her that her son was dead.

He was found in a hotel room with copious amounts of drugs in his system. There was no note, even though my father told everyone at his funeral that he had killed himself. An investigation was done and the coroner said the cause of death was “unable to determine.”

When I think about him alone in that hotel room it makes me utterly distraught with sadness. I wonder why he didn’t call me, like he had so many other times in his life. It mattered not to me if he needed money or just wanted to tell me how hard he was working to make things right. I always had an ear for him. I thought we shared everything, but I guess he couldn’t share how utterly broken he felt with me, because he was my big brother and he felt he should be strong.

I just loved him! I know my boys would have loved him, too. They would have seen what I saw in him, when the rest of the world didn’t.

I know he watches over me. He is my angel, which is pretty ironic, since he did so many devilish things when he was here. He was always into trouble. Most of my childhood was filled with his antics, but I never cared, never judged him.

When I talk about feelings, change and authenticity, I am a person who understands how really precious our time here is. My brother was my friend, my hero. He always had my back and I tried so hard to have his. He was a person who was always up for an adventure. He was a person who not only walked to the beat of another drum, he created the beat.

When I say, “What’s the worst that can happen” it’s because I know what that is.

The worst thing that can happen, is that you don’t tell the people in your life how you feel about them. How much they mean to you and how much you love them.

I never got to say goodbye to my brother. He just left. The last time I saw him was not the best of circumstance. I was at his court appearance for some trouble he had gotten into and it didn’t fare well for him.

When the Balif came and handcuffed him, he looked back at me before they lead him out another door. If I close my eyes I am back in the courtroom with that look. I felt so helpless at the time cause I was just a kid, too. I wanted to do something for him but I felt like I couldn’t. If I had the day to do over, I would have jumped over all of the benches and held him, told him how much I loved him and that nothing was so bad that he had to take his life.

Please do not take anyone in your life for granted. Do not think that you have unlimited days with them to tell them how you feel or to make things right with them.

Life really is short and often times the people we love most, are taken from us without notice. Embrace everyone that you love, everyone that you want to love and everyone that you yearn to make things right with.

 

 

Feelings

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an emotional state or reaction.

Do You Love What You Feel

We all have feelings, but some of us don’t quite know how to express them. This is really hard for people who feel everything, to understand. It requires patience when dealing with someone who does not share. But patience is a virtue, which is why so many of us aren’t virtuous.

A person who has a hard time with their feelings will tell you that you need to have patience with them. How much patience are we talking about? Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t have patience because I see patience as an excuse for someone who doesn’t like change.

What is it about change that frightens so many people? The unknown, if you will. I love it! I live it! I breathe it! If I’m not changing, I’m stagnant and crippled with anxiety, worrying about a future that has yet to happen. Or I’m still living in the past, basing all of the decisions and actions I take, based on what happened there.

I didn’t coin it, but it’s true. “The only thing that is constant is change,” so why not embrace it?

Part of changing, is acknowledging our feelings. Maybe even about change. When we trap our feelings inside and don’t share them, they fester until eventually (who knows when and where) they erupt. Usually people will look at you like you’re some kind of a lunatic, because they have no clue how long you have been holding all that stuff in.

I don’t know why people still hold feelings in, especially when we live in a time that is completely unpredictable and seems to be no rhyme or reason as why you would want to. You can only blame your upbringing for so long on this one.

I was told to keep the peace for years, but honestly, I stopped doing that a long time ago. The only people that served, were the people who asked it of me and I don’t answer to them anymore.

I would rather be around people who yell and show passion then people who storm off, say nothing, act like nothing is wrong when you know it is, or don’t talk to you at all. This behavior is a complete and utter breakdown in communication and makes the people in your life feel like you don’t give a crap what they think.

Passion. It is the key to everything. It’s what drives us to want things. It ignites a fire inside of us that spurns us on. It builds character, makes us act spontaneous and is fully accountable as the catalyst to go after our dreams.

People without passion…I just don’t get em. How do you live without it? How do you not allow yourself to feel this fire?

I guess it all goes back to that ugly word, control. When we don’t share our feelings with someone, we are trying a situation or them. But this is an illusion. Control is an illusion. You cannot control anyone, so why would you want to control yourself from feeling passion?

Feelings equals vulnerability and if you aren’t brave enough, passionate enough or confident enough to share them, than it’s probably best that you go live in a cave somewhere, so people who feel, don’t mistake you for someone who does.

People who feel understand that taking chances, going for their dreams and sharing their feelings is what they came here to do. It’s what we all came her for. To be who we are without all of the programs and control.

All that is required to do this, is to be authentic. To accept that you are a person who is worthy of love, understanding and kindness, but in order to have those things, you have to feel. You have to let people in.

Feel something! Anything! What’s the worst that can happen, if you do?

 

Mirror Mirror

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Man In The Mirror

I’m a sucker for Disney movies! I watched Snow White this week and as the evil step mother looks into the mirror and asks, “Who is the fairest of them all?” I had a revelation.

I used to hear the word “mirroring” all the time when I was forced on this spiritual journey. You know what I mean by that because, well, you don’t really have a choice. Once you start seeing things differently there’s no not seeing them, so you have to just keep going.

I digress.

I would hear spiritual teachers say, “You don’t like that person because they are mirroring something back to you.” What did that even mean? The more I thought about it, the more confused I got.

I mean, there were some women in my life with a resting bitch face that could be sold on Halloween. And the men? Equally as ugly. They disregarded me, treated me as though I were beneath them or tried to control me, just to make their disempowered selves feel  more powerful. Was I them? As hard as I tried to see it, I just didn’t, because I knew I was nice, so I couldn’t grasp how I attracted so many meanies into my life.

Well, it took me a very long time to get this one, so I am going to share it with you just in case you are wondering what the people (we’ll call them mirrors) you are looking into are really reflecting back to you. (You should get excited now..this is a game changer!)

They are mirroring YOUR unhealed wounds. Things that happened to you in your childhood. You see, at some point in your childhood, someone either made you feel less than, disregarded, abandoned, unsafe, bullied, controlled, disempowered, unloved, and plain old not good enough. All of the big ones!

And because no one cared what your feelings were, you were just a child after all and what kind of a voice were you allowed to have…you learned to stuff it all inside. And now, years later, you’re wondering why you keep attracting the same boss, the same men, the same women. Blah blah ad nauseam.

This little kid, now a grown ass adult, has been trying to get your attention for a long time. But you keep shoving it down, ignoring its pleas and outright dismissing any wrong doing to it, much like the adults in your life did to you. But now the little kid has had it, so all of that pain is surfacing, begging to be healed once for all, by way of the asshole standing in front of you, making you feel horrible.

This is mirroring. You are not, nor have you ever been this horrible person who is making you feel bad. This person who puts you down, embarrasses you, makes nasty comments, tries to control you, takes advantage of you, lies to you or maybe even dismisses you altogether, is someone from your childhood.

Your response in your body is a telltale sign that you are being triggered by them and is an opportunity for you to finally listen to that little kid who was shut down. The way you feel when you are around this person, their tone of voice or something they say, the way they look at you or even roll their eyes when you talk, are all clues that this mirroring is happening to you.

Your unhealed traumas from childhood show up in random people as a gift. I know that sounds ridiculous, but once you see these people for who they are, you will no longer be controlled by them. You can look at each of them as a door that is opening, until finally that little kid is set free.

Who were when you came into this world, before the adults in your life gave THEIR shit to you? I’ll tell you…amazing, limitless, lovable, strong, talented, brilliant, beautiful and innocent.  Take that back! You have the key, but as long as you keep holding onto the stories that were given to you, instead of making your own, you will attract the same people who disempower you, until you do.

The step mother in Snow White saw this purity in her step daughter and she was jealous of it. People who put you down, treat you poorly and judge you are really jealous of you because they see all of these qualities in you but do not know how to give it to themselves, so they take yours instead.

We all possess beauty, inner beauty. There is no need to disparage someone else to have it. If someone is doing this to you, then it is because you have unhealed childhood wounds that are needing attention.

There is no need to look at people who don’t love you unconditionally anymore. We’re done with that! Lesson learned! And if you haven’t yet gotten it, then ask yourself what it is they are showing you that needs to be healed. Do you love yourself enough to finally get this?

See all of those people as alerts: “Danger Will Robinson!” your inner child is saying, begging you to look at it, hear it, help it.  We only ever attract people into our lives who mirror how we feel about ourselves on the inside. Does that make sense? I hope so!

Stop looking for mirrors, unless you’re doing your makeup or hair. Look within! That is where all of your answers are and your freedom too.

Apology

a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

It’s Too Late To Apologize

Is it ever too late to apologize? I’ll leave that answer up to you.

The other day I got released from a really big job. My manager (the most amazing woman ever) apologized to me. It was completely unnecessary because that’s just the nature of the business, but she knows how hard I work and understood what it meant to me. She followed it up with a “I  believe in you.” It was truly heartfelt and I appreciated her acknowledgement of me as a person and an artist and the struggles that we go through.

But sometimes people apologize and don’t mean it. If you’re one of those, you should know that an apology without meaning is really manipulation. Have you ever had someone say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is the worst apology of all because it really isn’t one. What it is, is a passive aggressive way of saying I’ll let you think I am acknowledging your feelings, when really I don’t give a crap about them at all.

I have had a few turdy people do some pretty shitty things to me in my life and I have never expected an apology from any of them nor do I want one. An empty person can only beget an empty apology which leaves you feeling emptier, and I don’t know about you, but I would rather be at a table with those who bring something to it, in lieu of those who only know how to take.

Here are my thoughts on an apology.:

1)An apology is not a confession. If you’re confessing, you’re only thinking of yourself and not the person you are apologizing to.

2)An apology should not be done with an expectation either. This is called an agenda and an agenda is all about you.

3)An apology is not some magic pill that you think is going to make you feel better once you do it. You’re swimming back in the me waters again. Save that shit for the confessional!

4)An apology should not be done because you think it will make things better in a situation, like a family thing. This is called acting. A person in touch with another person’s feelings will know when they need to say they are sorry, it won’t be scripted.

5)An apology is not something that requires the right time or the right circumstance. If you think this way, then you live in denial, because there is no much thing.

In it’s simplest form, an apology is the acknowledgement of another person’s feelings and how you may have trampled all over them. In order to know this, you have to have empathy. You have to have the ability to understand the feelings of someone else and be able to share those feelings openly and honestly. If you can’t do that, then don’t bother with an apology because it won’t be taken as one. (See 1-5 for where you are coming from).

But there are those times when we think we might need to apologize to someone, when it isn’t necessary at all. I think these apologies are from our own guilt because we know we did something that may have upset someone else, but it wasn’t intentional. An apology with an energy of fear or trepidation around it might be some program you’re running which has absolutely nothing at all to do with the person you think you need to apologize to, and you might want to look further into that.

My gauge for apologizing is simple. If I can see, hear or sense that I have upset someone in my life that I care about, then I do not hesitate. The relationships I have are far more important to me than my ego, so I acknowledge my part in someone else’s sadness, anger or frustration because my heart becomes lighter when I do so. A heavy heart is a burdened one; let that shit go.

Relationships that matter to us aren’t always easy. Sometimes things are said or weren’t said, and we wish we could go back and do things differently. But living in the past doesn’t work for anyone because it’s over. It is the present that counts.

Our time, our energy, our attention lets the people we care about know that we hear them, see them and understand them and that no matter what is going on in our world, we honor them by noticing what is going on in theirs as well.

And at the end of the day, that’s all any of us really want, isn’t it? To be honored, seen, appreciated and loved for who we are, by those we care for most.

 

 

Light

light

the sensation aroused by stimulation of the visual receptors

Shining Star

There are many types of light. Light in color, light weight and can I get a light? But the light I am referring to is the inner one.

People who have an inner light, an inner radiance, seem to emanate actual light from their bodies, as though they glow.

We are drawn to people who are light and are completely turned away by those who we perceive as dark/heavy. They aren’t actually dark, but compared to someone who is light, they appear that way and actually feel that way when we are around them.

People who do not have their own light will seek it out from those who do. They crave love, validation and acceptance and instead of giving those qualities to themselves, it’s easier to take it from someone who already has them, so that is what they do.

Hey, the more light the merrier, right? So people with light share theirs freely because it feels good to do so and they operate from a place of pure joy and authenticity so they think nothing of it.

The problem with this giving without conditions, is that people who do not have their own light take and take from those who have it and give nothing in return, essentially depleting the light of its brightness.

Have you ever felt really drained around someone? Like you are trudging through water with weighted boots and cloaked in a four hundred pound coat? You can’t shake the heaviness no matter how hard you try, but ironically the person who is heavy feels as light as a feather when they are with you. This is a person who has just zapped your light. And while you scramble around trying to find your energy, that person flits away like a bee leaving a flower after grabbing its nectar.

People who do not possess an inner light may be depressed, angry or needy. These are people who cannot see the light within themselves, but they see it so clearly in you. In fact, they may even resent you for it so they might do and say anything to try and keep you from seeing it yourself.

Darkness does have its purpose though – it shows you the absence of light. Who are these people at their core, without the light they so freely take from others? I don’t think they even know. The pearls, guidance and love you give so freely helps them shine brighter for a moment, but is it not sustaining. And most importantly, it isn’t your job.

The only job you have is to shine brighter. You know that the light that people see is really love for the self. Everyone wants love but most people aren’t willing to work for it. It comes with a price. And it’s a hefty one. You have to do the work. The inner work. The gritty, hard, sad, frustrating, lonely, gut wrenching work. And some folks just can’t be bothered.

But when you do the work, your reward is the light. The light of self love is what people are drawn to because on some level we all know that this is true freedom.

Love the self and watch yourself glow!