narcissist – GRETCHEN ALLISON

Apology

a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

Is it ever too late to apologize? I’ll leave that answer up to you.

The other day I got released from a really big job. My manager (the most amazing woman ever) apologized to me. It was completely unnecessary because that’s just the nature of the business, but she knows how hard I work and understood what it meant to me. She followed it up with a “I believe in you.” It was truly heartfelt and I appreciated her acknowledgement of me as a person and an artist and the struggles that we go through.

But sometimes people apologize and don’t mean it. If you’re one of those, you should know that an apology without meaning is really manipulation. Have you ever had someone say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is the worst apology of all because it really isn’t one. What it is, is a passive aggressive way of saying I’ll let you think I am acknowledging your feelings, when really I don’t give a crap about them at all.

I have had a few turdy people do some pretty shitty things to me in my life and I have never expected an apology from any of them nor do I want one. An empty person can only beget an empty apology which leaves you feeling emptier, and I don’t know about you, but I would rather be at a table with those who bring something to it, in lieu of those who only know how to take.

Here are my thoughts on an apology.:

1)An apology is not a confession. If you’re confessing, you’re only thinking of yourself and not the person you are apologizing to.

2)An apology should not be done with an expectation either. This is called an agenda and an agenda is all about you.

3)An apology is not some magic pill that you think is going to make you feel better once you do it. You’re swimming back in the me waters again. Save that shit for the confessional!

4)An apology should not be done because you think it will make things better in a situation, like a family thing. This is called acting. A person in touch with another person’s feelings will know when they need to say they are sorry, it won’t be scripted.

5)An apology is not something that requires the right time or the right circumstance. If you think this way, then you live in denial, because there is no much thing.

In it’s simplest form, an apology is the acknowledgement of another person’s feelings and how you may have trampled all over them. In order to know this, you have to have empathy. You have to have the ability to understand the feelings of someone else and be able to share those feelings openly and honestly. If you can’t do that, then don’t bother with an apology because it won’t be taken as one. (See 1-5 for where you are coming from).

But there are those times when we think we might need to apologize to someone, when it isn’t necessary at all. I think these apologies are from our own guilt because we know we did something that may have upset someone else, but it wasn’t intentional. An apology with an energy of fear or trepidation around it might be some program you’re running which has absolutely nothing at all to do with the person you think you need to apologize to, and you might want to look further into that.

My gauge for apologizing is simple. If I can see, hear or sense that I have upset someone in my life that I care about, then I do not hesitate. The relationships I have are far more important to me than my ego, so I acknowledge my part in someone else’s sadness, anger or frustration because my heart becomes lighter when I do so. A heavy heart is a burdened one; let that shit go.

Relationships that matter to us aren’t always easy. Sometimes things are said or weren’t said, and we wish we could go back and do things differently. But living in the past doesn’t work for anyone because it’s over. It is the present that counts.

Our time, our energy, our attention lets the people we care about know that we hear them, see them and understand them and that no matter what is going on in our world, we honor them by noticing what is going on in theirs as well.

And at the end of the day, that’s all any of us really want, isn’t it? To be honored, seen, appreciated and loved for who we are, by those we care for most.

Light

light

the sensation aroused by stimulation of the visual receptors

Shining Star

There are many types of light. Light in color, light weight and can I get a light? But the light I am referring to is the inner one.

People who have an inner light, an inner radiance, seem to emanate actual light from their bodies, as though they glow.

We are drawn to people who are light and are completely turned away by those who we perceive as dark/heavy. They aren’t actually dark, but compared to someone who is light, they appear that way and actually feel that way when we are around them.

People who do not have their own light will seek it out from those who do. They crave love, validation and acceptance and instead of giving those qualities to themselves, it’s easier to take it from someone who already has them, so that is what they do.

Hey, the more light the merrier, right? So people with light share theirs freely because it feels good to do so and they operate from a place of pure joy and authenticity so they think nothing of it.

The problem with this giving without conditions, is that people who do not have their own light take and take from those who have it and give nothing in return, essentially depleting the light of its brightness.

Have you ever felt really drained around someone? Like you are trudging through water with weighted boots and cloaked in a four hundred pound coat? You can’t shake the heaviness no matter how hard you try, but ironically the person who is heavy feels as light as a feather when they are with you. This is a person who has just zapped your light. And while you scramble around trying to find your energy, that person flits away like a bee leaving a flower after grabbing its nectar.

People who do not possess an inner light may be depressed, angry or needy. These are people who cannot see the light within themselves, but they see it so clearly in you. In fact, they may even resent you for it so they might do and say anything to try and keep you from seeing it yourself.

Darkness does have its purpose though – it shows you the absence of light. Who are these people at their core, without the light they so freely take from others? I don’t think they even know. The pearls, guidance and love you give so freely helps them shine brighter for a moment, but is it not sustaining. And most importantly, it isn’t your job.

The only job you have is to shine brighter. You know that the light that people see is really love for the self. Everyone wants love but most people aren’t willing to work for it. It comes with a price. And it’s a hefty one. You have to do the work. The inner work. The gritty, hard, sad, frustrating, lonely, gut wrenching work. And some folks just can’t be bothered.

But when you do the work, your reward is the light. The light of self love is what people are drawn to because on some level we all know that this is true freedom.

Love the self and watch yourself glow!

What Would Love Do?

I find myself asking this a lot. You know why? Because the world seems to send someone my way more often than not, who cannot help but show me how powerless they feel by wasting the most precious commodity I have; that any of us have.

In their warped worlds they think if they get a response from me, it somehow translates to them that they matter. If they choose to ignore me or yank my chain in someway just to try and get a reaction from me, it has the same effect for them. A narcissist thrives off of other people’s attention, no matter how good or bad. It has an insatiable appetite and will stop at nothing to make sure love never has its way with it.

But guess what? Love doesn’t give a shit if someone needs to feel that important, that guarded, that controlling. Love just loves cause it feels good to the person who gives it. In fact, the more love I give, the better I feel.

I asked myself this morning, “What would love do?” when the woman who was supposed to meet me for a pilates session didn’t show up, even after I agreed to move our prior commitment because that worked better for her, even though she cancelled 20 minutes beforehand.

The old Gretchen would have lambasted her! Gone all out white mom on her ass. But as I sat in the empty cold hallway waiting for her arrival or a text or phone call alerting me that she was not going to show, a range of emotions came over me and then I decided on love.

Love would do nothing. It would just accept that this person who had stood me up twice now was in her ego. She had made it clear that her time was clearly more important than mine, as was she. It was then that I knew she needed love more than I ever would.

You see I love myself too much to get entangled in other peoples shit anymore. I see it all around me. People everywhere defining themselves by their accomplishments, by others accomplishments too, like they had some hand in it. But not when things are going bad. When things are going bad its always someone else’s fault.

Most people do not appreciate what they have or who they have, they just appreciate how it makes them feel. And always at the expense of others. This is what the ego does. The ego gives to itself that which it takes from others in order to feel better because it lacks compassion and soul.

Love would never do that.

So if you have ever wondered what love is or even thought you might have the audacity to think about what unconditional love was, you probably live in your ego.

Love just loves. Plain and simple. It doesn’t take from others in order to make itself feel better. As a matter of fact it does the exact opposite. It gives. It gives so much and keeps giving more cause it just feels good to do so. It doesn’t worry about being screwed over or what people will think because it knows love is all that ever matters. How is it that the most simple thing somehow eludes us most?

May we all have the courage to live every day in love, because the absence of love is fear and there is nothing more crippling than that.