Bad Vibes Forever

You know what creates bad vibes? Dwelling on things that happened in the past so much, that you are unable to move forward.

If I dwelled on everything that happened to me in my marriage, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed, let alone book a movie. But there are occasions when a memory re-surfaces, like yesterday and I shake my head in disbelief that I ever allowed such ill treatment from someone.

I was around sailboats and I got to thinking about the last time I had been sailing with my ex. He had told me that we were meeting another couple and that the man had insisted we go sailing. I thought it odd we wouldn’t meet for dinner, but he brushed it off and convinced me it would be fine.

As we approached the boatyard, the weather took a turn for the worse and it seemed clear to me that the sail would not happen and we would go to dinner instead. My ex can be rather convincing, so he pushed for the sail, despite the two other couples and myself questioning it, so off we went.

Shortly after we set sail, the man seemed confused as to why we didn’t go to dinner, saying he had suggested it, but my ex insisted we would rather sail. I looked at my ex and he squeezed my leg and gave his usual “caught in a lie” grin.

One woman made a comment about where our boys went to college and how expensive they were. There had been a lot of this chatter as of late, but no mention of the fact that they were paying their own tuition. My oldest is leaving Uconn with 200,000 in debt.

As the sail went on, the winds grew stronger and waves started coming over the boat. We were all soaked, visibility was getting worse and we had no business being out on the water. The other couple wasn’t happy, the wife of the captain was miserable and my ex was in his glory because he was asked to take the helm. That was when it hit me. The evening wasn’t about meeting another couple, it was about him showcasing his sailing abilities on someone else’s boat because he couldn’t afford his own.

The longer I stayed on the boat, the angrier I got. I thought about all of the times he tried so hard with others, but not with me or our children. It must have been exhausting doing all of that pretending! Then I realized I was pretending, too. I was pretending that it was okay, but I knew it wasn’t, and the more I observed him, the more realized I didn’t know him at all.

And just to make sure I got the lesson, the storm got so bad, the owner hit another boat. I mean, you can’t make this stuff up! It was as though the Gods, the Universe, whatever the hell you believe in, wanted me to really see who and what I had devoted my life, my time, my attention, my heart, my all to. And once you see, you can’t un-see, your vision only becomes clearer.

When we finally made it to the walkway that dragged in the water and swayed with the wind, I couldn’t believe we had to cross it to get to shore. One man helped the two other women across and I stepped down waiting for my ex to help me, but when I turned around he was still on the boat. “I’m gonna help him take the boat back to his dock and then I’ll be back.” He said, and off they went.

The other people left as soon as they hit the shore and there I was all alone in a dark parking lot. I ran to the car and locked the doors. As I listened to the wind howl and watched the sea crash angrily on the shore, I burst into tears. I knew without a doubt that I wasn’t married to a person who saw me as a life partner, I was married to a person who saw me as a convenience and as long as his needs were met he would have a need for me in his life. Love had nothing to do with our relationship. You don’t leave a person you love…ever.

I hear stories all the time from women who are married and the things that their spouses do to them or what they are putting up with to maintain the relationship, but I say nothing. People will tolerate bad behavior until they don’t; it is not up to me or you to push them.

Healing doesn’t come from ignoring what happened to you, it comes from understanding why it did. We can only ever attract into our lives what it is we feel we are worthy of, so if you attract a partner who treats you poorly, then there is a part of you that doesn’t feel worthy of someone who will treat you well.

If we don’t love ourselves first, we will attract people who treat us as though we are replaceable, commonplace and unworthy. Bad vibes for sure. So if you want to get rid of bad vibes, you gotta work on the part of you that is attracting them and set sail in another direction.

Truth

Nietzsche said that a man’s worth was determined by how much truth he could tolerate. So if we think about this in terms of personal relationships, how much truth can you tolerate when it comes to them?

I guess a simple way to measure this would be by how much you allow others to speak their truth to you.

If someone has something to say to you and you don’t want to hear it, maybe even refuse to hear it, become hostile, argumentative or ignore them when they try to express themselves to you in an effort to improve the relationship, then according to Nietzsche, because you cannot tolerate their truth, even though it may not be yours, you are not worth that much.

But what of the person trying to speak their truth to someone who does not want to hear it? What is their worth? Are they worth more or less?

I mean in reality we obviously know that no one is worth more or less, but we are talking about Nietzsche’s quote here and how much truth we will tolerate in our relationships.

The more you value yourself, the less you need approval from others. And while you may want to speak your truth to those you care about so that they can understand where you are coming from, if they are incapable of hearing, seeing or accepting the truth, they will simply refuse to hear you. Their truth will be that you are difficult, while your truth will be heartbreak, because you are so misunderstood.

So speaking your truth to those who refuse to hear it or see it, will essentially make you feel like you are worth less. Hurt people hurt people and are incapable of seeing their worth, which is why they do not see yours. Staying involved with them will keep you in a constant state of struggle because you are wanting to be seen and heard by people who cannot see or hear themselves, so your words and attempts at trying to express yourself and your truth will be seen as acrimonious.

Part of growing, evolving and loving yourself is knowing who to share your truth with and who not to. Some people would rather live a lie than live the truth and real healing comes when you understand this about others and simply move away from them.

Most people don’t want the truth. They just want the constant reassurance that what they believe is the truth, which is why they surround themselves with people who operate the same way. Taking no accountability is a tell tale sign that you cannot tolerate truth in any relationship, which means anyone who tries to speak it to you, will be met with rejection.

For the person on the receiving end it won’t feel good, but sooner or later they realize that rejection is actually protection from something or someone who could only continue to harm them, and they will move in another direction.

How much truth can you tolerate? Look at your closest relationships for the answer. If you feel like something or someone is missing, then you haven’t tolerated a truth or been able to express one.