Nocturnal

If something is nocturnal, it belongs to or is active at night.

It may be darkest before the dawn, but a lot of really powerful things happen in the dark.

There is something called the dark night of the soul. Eckhart Tolle explains it like this:

“It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness.  The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses. It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before.  Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place.”

If you haven’t experienced this transformation, then you have either not had any things happen to you that were challenging (which I highly doubt) or you have chosen to ignore those things by putting on a blindfold, turning your head the other way, suppressing your emotions and quite possibly being co-dependent upon another person to fulfill you.

Co-dependency at its core simply means you rely on someone else for your happiness. You can’t imagine your life without another person, need someone by your side no matter how disempowered you might feel at times and are willing to accept terms and conditions that do not necessarily fulfill you, but they keep the peace in your relationship, so you comply.

Now if you read that and feel triggered, don’t shoot the messenger. I know quite a bit about being co-dependent because I was that way before my dark knight of the soul. The funny thing about co-dependency is you don’t even realize how much you are, until you experience this spiritual transformation.

If you are currently experiencing any sort of trauma or tower moments in your life, meaning things aren’t going as planned or so well, then you are being called to awaken to some pattern or program you are running that is not serving you. In short, you are not being your most authentic self.

We all come here for a higher purpose. If you don’t know what yours is, then you are probably in denial in some part of your life. Like I said, you can stay where you are and continue to play your part or you can give yourself the opportunity to honor your feelings and speak your truth. Initially this truth need not be spoken to anyone else; it needs to start with you.

Ask yourself: Do I go along with others so I don’t rock the boat even when it is something I don’t want to do? Am I honored for my choices, my voice, my opinions or am I shut down and judged for them? Do I accept less than what I deserve? Do I allow people to speak to me in a matter or tone that is inappropriate? Is my time or space being compromised by those who only serve themselves with little regard to serving me?

Don’t be afraid to be nocturnal. Think of the owl. He is nocturnal and we all think of the owl as being wise. Darkness does lead to light, but it is in the darkness that we meet our shadow side and have the opportunity to shed light on it and set it free.

It is lightest before the dawn, but the darkness gives us an opportunity to reflect on what makes us happy and that which does not. Embrace it!

You

This is a great song and while it’s about two people who cannot get over one another, I wanted to write about…well, you.

When it comes to life, you must be your greatest motivator, your biggest fan, your best friend, and your unconditional lover. And while we would all love to have someone else be a part of our lives who gives us all of those qualities too, we must first give them to ourselves.

If we do not learn to give ourselves all of things we seek in someone else, we will repeat a cycle and attract more imbalanced relationships where you are either giving or taking too much. I don’t know about you, but I’m sort of done with those. A big, girl bye!

My growth and understanding of this basic concept has come through having very unhealthy relationships. This does’t just mean love interests, it means friendships and work ones as well. I mean come on, you can’t expect to have any authentic and supportive relationships if you aren’t balanced yourself.

My acting career has also been a catalyst in teaching me how to deal with people, speak up for myself and learn to discern between which jobs are best suited for me and those that are not. In the past I would say yes to everything; being ever so grateful for whatever bone was tossed my way. Now, I look at the job and really think about if it is something I feel called to do. If an agent does not like my honoring myself first, then they simply aren’t the agent for me and I am not afraid to walk away.

We do not have to say yes to everything. We can learn to say no. We can love ourselves enough to know when we are tired, needing a break and seeing that which is being offered to us is merely breadcrumbs instead of the whole damn loaf. Breadcrumbs are only good when served with a turkey, not when they are being served up by the people around us.

You deserve to live the life of your dreams, but you have to brave and bold enough to put you first and not give a crap about what anybody else thinks. Do you! It’s so freeing.

Who is Running the show? You, or the committee inside your head?

Ever feel like you’re on a merry go round and you can’t get off? Like you see yourself watching from afar. You know you have been here before and you told yourself you were going to do things differently this time, and yet you are paralyzed from doing anything different.

This is called a cycle. We all go through them. It’s not like we want to, especially if they are toxic, don’t serve us or aren’t getting us any further to our dream life. And yet we jump on the merry go round, even though it’s rusty now and a little scary because we have outgrown the ride and the seatbelt doesn’t fit us anymore.

But we still get in. We tell ourselves things will be different this time. And well, they aren’t!

This cycle we keep ourselves in comes from comfort. We know it, we have lived it and therefore, we keep doing it. This happens all the time. People want to leave their job but they don’t. They convince themselves that staying were they are, even though they hate it, serves a purpose. Besides, so many people are out of work, they feel lucky to have a job.

Really? Is it luck or complacency?

What about relationships. We stay in them way beyond the expiration date! Like bad milk in your fridge or a piece of cheese that got lodged behind a shelf and you can’t quite find where it’s coming from. You know you need to get in there and take out the shelves, douse it with some cleaner or at the very least wipe it down, but you learn to live with the smell. After all, it’s not that bad!

But isn’t it?

We convince ourselves of so many ridiculous things, all because of what’s in our heads. You know whose in there? A little committee that is a culmination of a lot of people and a lot of years of conditioning that made you feel like crap about yourself.

So what do we do about it? Well, you can always do nothing, that is a choice. Or, you can start to focus on things that make you happy and empower you. When you start to focus on what you love instead of what you despise, life has a way of sending you more of that and the things that bother you eventually just slip away.

Relationships crumble when people aren’t on the same page. It might take awhile, but if you stay focused on your amazing life instead of your partner’s problems and how you wish they would change, they or you will eventually head off into the sunset and you’ll both be better for it.

The same thing happens at work. When you finally decide that you have had enough of where you’re at, it’s almost as if by magic someone contacts you about a new job or you get an idea for a new venture. You might stay at your old place for awhile while you start your new gig, but how amazing is it to be taking steps towards your happiness this way, instead of accepting less than the happiness you deserve.

So if you don’t like the ride you’re on, start walking towards the exit. And if you can’t get to the exit just yet, at least unbuckle the strap. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was your shitty job or shitty relationship. Give yourself a break! But do at least one thing today that will make you feel good about you and reaffirm that you do have choices and that you do deserve to be happy.

Now do that one thing or something like it…again and again until your life is transformed. The next time you get on a Merry Go Round, make sure it’s at a big park and you’re with people you love. Cotton Candy optional.

Guides

When I was learning to cut hair I was told you had to follow your guide. This perplexed me. I took such a simple concept and made it into something so much more complicated than it was and thus, I never learned to cut hair, so I colored it instead.

I never really liked coloring hair. I mean it was fun to paint; it appealed to the little kid in me. But the whole chemistry part did not. People don’t understand how complicated it really is and well, all you have to do is look around and you will see a lot of really bad color! You see a lot of bad hair cuts too!

When you make your first cut in the hair, it serves as the foundation for the entire cut. That’s right! That first snip. The next time you get your haircut you will notice how they go around your head. You’re probably reading a paper or chatting it up and don’t even notice the rhythm they are making.

You can tell when someone doesn’t follow their guide because they get lost in the cut. This is when they give you a cut but it feels off balance the minute you leave the shop. You just know when you get a good cut and when you don’t.

Life and a good haircut are pretty much the same. When we follow the proper guide we get good results. If we follow the wrong guide, we get lost. We might take advice from people who seem well-meaning, but we find ourselves getting further and further away from our vision.

Most of the guides in our life have been there since birth. We might pick up a few new ones along the way, but if we have not done any inner work, they will still resemble our past and what we have grown accustomed to. Pretty much like a stylist who cuts hair the same way, without giving any thought to who is in their chair.

Not all hair is the same. Nor are all people. You can’t give someone with super fine hair a layered cut. And you can’t give someone who is sensitive your usual way of non empathy if you expect to get good results with them.

Like a bad haircut where the stylist loses their guide, sometimes we lose our way in life because we follow the wrong advice and sometimes what we want to hear and what we need to hear are very different. We get used to our old ways of doing things and aren’t too keen to learn new ones.

We can always choose to work on ourselves if we don’t like where we are, just as a stylist can take new classes to enhance their skills. Maybe they learn to use a razor or clippers and learn a traveling guide instead of a stationery one. Maybe they even throw some over-direction in the mix and the next thing you know they’re creating a whole new style for themselves. The same can be done for you.

What guide are you currently following? Is it someone who supports you and your choices? Someone who embraces all of you instead of only part? Is it someone you respect? Is it someone who inspires you? Someone who loves you without conditions? Because if you are following one of those guides, then you should wind up with a terrific style. If not, then you’ll be that person who is always looking for someone else to fix them.

When I worked in salons there was always that one client who had seen everybody. No matter what anybody did, they were never happy. Whether it was a good cut or a bad one, they still complained. I never gave it much thought as to why they did, but now I realize they were just following their guide; someone who had done this way before them.

Junior’s guide was his mama. She told him to take his time and don’t rush to get old. Mine told me to wear a white t-shirt so I wouldn’t get burned and never put anyone down until I put myself in their shoes first.

Some guides give you advice that works and others don’t. If you want a balanced life or a balanced haircut, you gotta follow the right guide. Who is yours?

Let It Flow

How open are you to change? Are you loosey goosey to it? Willing to dip one toe in the pool or the whole foot? Or maybe you’re too rigid to change anything. In that case, you’re nowhere near the water!

Being in the flow is super easy; it’s where we allow instead of control. This simply means we wake up, may have our schedule, but if something takes us off course, we understand that we are being directed elsewhere for our highest good. Acceptance of this is the key to our happiness.

When people don’t go with the flow and are so set on staying in control, they miss out on all of the wonderful things that life is trying to bring them. It’s really interesting to observe people who are very controlled. It’s almost painful to see how routined they are. In there quest to stay in control of everything, they essentially become controlled because they are no longer living life due to their conviction of calculating their every move. How exhausting! I’m tired just writing that.

Letting go of outcomes and going with the flow is very empowering. But if I were to tell this to a person who is always in control, they would say the exact opposite. The real truth about control, is that it is an illusion. There is no control. You cannot control anything!

The more you go within and change your perceptions of people and understand that most of us are just repeating patterns and programs from our childhood, the less you feel the need to try and control anything. You understand that people are just playing out their own insecurities and they seldom, if ever, have anything to do with you.

The ironic thing about control is that when we are so committed to one path, life has a way of sending us what is called a “tower moment” so that we can be put on another one. These tower moments are generally pretty awful, but if you look at it from a higher perspective, you see that you had plenty of notices beforehand, you just chose to ignore them because you were too busy controlling how things were supposed to go according to your plan. You see, no matter how great we think our best-laid plans are, life will step in and say, “I have a better one! Trust me!”

Since I have been going with the flow I have created more abundance in my life. I don’t push for outcomes or results or have any expectations, especially of other people. I have learned to be my best advocate. All of the love, the acceptance and joy I once sought out there, I now find within.

This new way of living allows me to wake up every day with excitement. It’s like Christmas as a kid every day. I try and keep to my morning routine as best I can and then allow the rest of the day to unfold. I might have a list of things I would like to do, but when I allow for anything and everything, I usually have a pretty remarkable day.

This is called being in the flow and it is when we can magnetize anything! So if you want to be a money magnet, a love magnet or any other kind of magnet, you have to allow yourself to be in the flow. How can something wonderful even fit into your life, if you are always controlling every aspect of your day?

Be in control or don’t. I’ll be over here going with the flow cause that’s where all the magic is!

Promises

A promise: an assurance to someone that one will definitely do, give, or arrange something; undertake or declare that something will happen.

Are you keeping promises? Not ones to other people, but the ones you make to yourself?

The one where you said, “I won’t give my heart to anyone who doesn’t give their heart in return?”

The one that said, “I won’t commit to anything unless it resonates 100% with who I am?”

How about the promise that said, “I won’t repeat what my parents did, because it didn’t do a whole hell of a lot for me?”

Are you keeping your promises? Because if you aren’t, then you are simply repeating a pattern and a program that was given to you by whoever raised you. And if you have children, you will simply perpetuate these patterns and programs onto them, until a brave soul (usually referred to as decides it’s time for change.

In order to raise our vibration and live our lives to the fullest and most joyful place possible, we have to stay true to ourselves and the inner voice that is always trying to lead us to happiness.

It is never too late to make a promise to the little kid inside of you. But the first step is recognizing that you are missing something and instead of continuing to look for it outside of yourself, you go within to find the answers.

Make a promise to yourself that this year will be different.