Doors

HOGLP4MU

a doorway.

When my middle son was looking at choices for colleges it was clear to me which was the best option for him. But being that I am the type of mom who likes my children to empower themselves and make their own choices, I said nothing.

Until he was struggling with the doors he had in front of him. So many of the doors were gilded and full of shit, while others weren’t as fancy but would provide a fine experience for him.

Then there was the one door that had been wide open the moment he started the process. They gave him the highest scholarship, was the first one to want him, and sent him all kinds of school rah rah trying to get him to commit. But he wasn’t feeling it.

In fact, he closed the door. Pursued other doors. He took himself on this exhausting trip of not feeling good enough until finally, I showed him the door again. The one that was decorated in rainbows, throwing dollar bills at him and welcoming him with open arms.

“This is a door that wants you.” I said. “All you have to do is walk through it.” And so he did. Sight unseen, he will be attending the Kelley Business School in the fall.

Life is filled with doors. There are those doors with bright colors and ornate handles that we walk through, thinking all of the glory in the world will be on the other side of it, only to find that it was nothing more than a facade. Not only was it a facade, it wasn’t even wood, that shit was particle board.

So you try another door. A little more solid looking. It’s painted white, seemingly stable, but you walk through that door and the crazy is rampant. It hid all of it’s dysfunction, pretended to be something else and you’re running for the exit.

Then there’s the door that was open. It was welcoming, maybe even pursued you, sort of out of left field, and yet you looked at that door and thought, “It’s too easy.” “There must be something wrong with it.” “What’s the catch?” “I’m not ready for this.” “I don’t want it.”

So you slammed that door and left all that it had to offer. Now after visiting all of the other doors, you are thinking back on that door and wondering why you didn’t walk through it. Maybe you’re even wondering if it’s still possible to do so. How do you walk through a door that you previously slammed?

The answer is, you just do! You can always revisit a door you chose to close at one time. Remember…you are the one who chose to do so, so in order to revisit that door, you have to approach it, ring the bell, pound on it, whatever you do when you go to a door, just do that and witness the door re-opening to you.

Do we really need to open a thousand knobs in order to get to a place of knowing what serves our highest good? Well, if you’re one of those, then keep knocking, I like walking through doors, because the more doors I walk through, the more opportunities I get.

It’s pretty simple and need not be complicated. It’s a door. Simply approach the fucking thing. And don’t tell me fear is keeping you from it. That’s bunk! I face doors everyday. I simply buzz the door, turn the knob and show up because it brings me joy.

I am not afraid of rejection because there is no such thing. A door that was previously opened to you can never be fully closed. Unless of course you keep it that way.  A door that was previously closed to you can always be opened, but sometimes we need it to be cracked just a bit so we know it’s okay to approach it again.

Doors are awesome! I took photos of them in Paris because they were so unique. We are all doors really. It’s the face we show the world. Hopefully your door reflects who you are internally, and if it doesn’t, do some repairs, it’s not someone else’s job to fix you.

And if you’re good, keeping walking through the doors that inspire you and make you happy. Slam the ones that’s don’t.

 

 

 

Feelings

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an emotional state or reaction.

Do You Love What You Feel

We all have feelings, but some of us don’t quite know how to express them. This is really hard for people who feel everything, to understand. It requires patience when dealing with someone who does not share. But patience is a virtue, which is why so many of us aren’t virtuous.

A person who has a hard time with their feelings will tell you that you need to have patience with them. How much patience are we talking about? Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t have patience because I see patience as an excuse for someone who doesn’t like change.

What is it about change that frightens so many people? The unknown, if you will. I love it! I live it! I breathe it! If I’m not changing, I’m stagnant and crippled with anxiety, worrying about a future that has yet to happen. Or I’m still living in the past, basing all of the decisions and actions I take, based on what happened there.

I didn’t coin it, but it’s true. “The only thing that is constant is change,” so why not embrace it?

Part of changing, is acknowledging our feelings. Maybe even about change. When we trap our feelings inside and don’t share them, they fester until eventually (who knows when and where) they erupt. Usually people will look at you like you’re some kind of a lunatic, because they have no clue how long you have been holding all that stuff in.

I don’t know why people still hold feelings in, especially when we live in a time that is completely unpredictable and seems to be no rhyme or reason as why you would want to. You can only blame your upbringing for so long on this one.

I was told to keep the peace for years, but honestly, I stopped doing that a long time ago. The only people that served, were the people who asked it of me and I don’t answer to them anymore.

I would rather be around people who yell and show passion then people who storm off, say nothing, act like nothing is wrong when you know it is, or don’t talk to you at all. This behavior is a complete and utter breakdown in communication and makes the people in your life feel like you don’t give a crap what they think.

Passion. It is the key to everything. It’s what drives us to want things. It ignites a fire inside of us that spurns us on. It builds character, makes us act spontaneous and is fully accountable as the catalyst to go after our dreams.

People without passion…I just don’t get em. How do you live without it? How do you not allow yourself to feel this fire?

I guess it all goes back to that ugly word, control. When we don’t share our feelings with someone, we are trying a situation or them. But this is an illusion. Control is an illusion. You cannot control anyone, so why would you want to control yourself from feeling passion?

Feelings equals vulnerability and if you aren’t brave enough, passionate enough or confident enough to share them, than it’s probably best that you go live in a cave somewhere, so people who feel, don’t mistake you for someone who does.

People who feel understand that taking chances, going for their dreams and sharing their feelings is what they came here to do. It’s what we all came her for. To be who we are without all of the programs and control.

All that is required to do this, is to be authentic. To accept that you are a person who is worthy of love, understanding and kindness, but in order to have those things, you have to feel. You have to let people in.

Feel something! Anything! What’s the worst that can happen, if you do?

 

Apology

a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

It’s Too Late To Apologize

Is it ever too late to apologize? I’ll leave that answer up to you.

The other day I got released from a really big job. My manager (the most amazing woman ever) apologized to me. It was completely unnecessary because that’s just the nature of the business, but she knows how hard I work and understood what it meant to me. She followed it up with a “I  believe in you.” It was truly heartfelt and I appreciated her acknowledgement of me as a person and an artist and the struggles that we go through.

But sometimes people apologize and don’t mean it. If you’re one of those, you should know that an apology without meaning is really manipulation. Have you ever had someone say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is the worst apology of all because it really isn’t one. What it is, is a passive aggressive way of saying I’ll let you think I am acknowledging your feelings, when really I don’t give a crap about them at all.

I have had a few turdy people do some pretty shitty things to me in my life and I have never expected an apology from any of them nor do I want one. An empty person can only beget an empty apology which leaves you feeling emptier, and I don’t know about you, but I would rather be at a table with those who bring something to it, in lieu of those who only know how to take.

Here are my thoughts on an apology.:

1)An apology is not a confession. If you’re confessing, you’re only thinking of yourself and not the person you are apologizing to.

2)An apology should not be done with an expectation either. This is called an agenda and an agenda is all about you.

3)An apology is not some magic pill that you think is going to make you feel better once you do it. You’re swimming back in the me waters again. Save that shit for the confessional!

4)An apology should not be done because you think it will make things better in a situation, like a family thing. This is called acting. A person in touch with another person’s feelings will know when they need to say they are sorry, it won’t be scripted.

5)An apology is not something that requires the right time or the right circumstance. If you think this way, then you live in denial, because there is no much thing.

In it’s simplest form, an apology is the acknowledgement of another person’s feelings and how you may have trampled all over them. In order to know this, you have to have empathy. You have to have the ability to understand the feelings of someone else and be able to share those feelings openly and honestly. If you can’t do that, then don’t bother with an apology because it won’t be taken as one. (See 1-5 for where you are coming from).

But there are those times when we think we might need to apologize to someone, when it isn’t necessary at all. I think these apologies are from our own guilt because we know we did something that may have upset someone else, but it wasn’t intentional. An apology with an energy of fear or trepidation around it might be some program you’re running which has absolutely nothing at all to do with the person you think you need to apologize to, and you might want to look further into that.

My gauge for apologizing is simple. If I can see, hear or sense that I have upset someone in my life that I care about, then I do not hesitate. The relationships I have are far more important to me than my ego, so I acknowledge my part in someone else’s sadness, anger or frustration because my heart becomes lighter when I do so. A heavy heart is a burdened one; let that shit go.

Relationships that matter to us aren’t always easy. Sometimes things are said or weren’t said, and we wish we could go back and do things differently. But living in the past doesn’t work for anyone because it’s over. It is the present that counts.

Our time, our energy, our attention lets the people we care about know that we hear them, see them and understand them and that no matter what is going on in our world, we honor them by noticing what is going on in theirs as well.

And at the end of the day, that’s all any of us really want, isn’t it? To be honored, seen, appreciated and loved for who we are, by those we care for most.

 

 

Beauty

a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.

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This was my dog, Bernie. He was so beautiful internally, that his essence made its way into the external and I found him utterly handsome.

He had about five teeth in all and the two bottom ones protruded. He snapped sometimes at other people, mostly men, because usually puppy mills are operated by them, so as you can imagine, dogs don’t trust or like them.

When we first found our way to one another it wasn’t love at first sight. I didn’t see his beauty and he certainly didn’t see mine. I saw a dog who needed  a lot of rehabilitation, he saw another person who was a threat.

I foster dogs and he needed fostering, so I was tasked with getting him ready to be adopted. He was broken, scared, full of distrust and peed everywhere. Most dogs who come from puppy mills have suffered greatly and worst of all, have never felt love. They have never been touched by a hand, unless it is to grab them and throw them in another cage to mate (hence the snapping). 

His name was Big Bang when I got him. Ridiculous for sure! Bernie means victory bringer, strong, brave bear, so I thought that fitting since he was so determined to heal, so I changed it.

He grew on me pretty quickly and when it came time to give him back to the shelter, I couldn’t. How could I? He had learned to trust me, understand what love was and not flinch when I went to pet him. We had a bond.

Bernie used to spin in circles on command when he saw me and ran little laps around the yard because he was so happy when I came home. He loved to cuddle, too and be held.

Bernie spent nine of his twelve years of life in a puppy mill, so this display of utter joy was beautiful to behold. If you’re not aware of what a puppy mill is, please look them up. This post is about beauty, not torture, so I don’t want to get into it.

Bernie was with me for awhile, until he was tragically hit by a car and died in my arms on the way to the animal hospital. I bawled for days over his death. It was completely unnecessary. A freak accident.

But the beauty that he brought into my life remains. I keep his photo on my living room shelf and my desktop. I knew how beautiful Bernie was, which is why I miss him so much.

Sometimes beauty is right in front of us and we don’t even see it. For one reason or another we just don’t recognize the beauty in someone or something and we pass it over. Beauty does not argue nor does it hold a grudge when this happens. It has a wisdom that understands we cannot see inner beauty if we do not posses it ourselves.

It is of the utmost importance that you understand that no one is ever rejecting you. People are either vibing towards what you have to offer or they aren’t. It’s really that simple. One you understand this, you will never see anything or anyone as rejecting you again. You will see it as a form of directing you towards those who honor you, instead of those who do not. There is so much power in that.

Real beauty, the inner kind, does not need validation, an apology or forgiveness.  It is love without conditions because it is divine and pure of essence. Inner beauty is all that should matter to any of us, but too often it doesn’t.

When I was in my thirties there was a certain young man who took me out for a date. I wasn’t that attracted to him ( I was in a “only if he’s handsome and vapid sort of stage” at the time) but a co worker insisted I go, pressing me about how nice he was and even agreed to come along. Can you imagine? That poor guy!

I remember this guy in particular because he made me a collage afterwards. I was moving to New York for work and he had taken clippings from magazines of Manhattan all relating to me and my life. He was genuine and kind only wanted to show me how much he liked me, but I was too into appearances then, so I dismissed his beauty, the one that truly mattered (the inner kind), thanked him for the collage and said bye.

He saw my beauty but I could not see his. I was so focused on career, getting ahead and dating jerks that didn’t give a crap about me, that I didn’t value it.  How could I, when I didn’t even value myself?

I finally understand that beauty is not a surface thing, but an inner thing. It’s how someone makes you feel internally, like you’ve swallowed a rainbow. It’s how you light up when you see them because they do the same. It’s a knowing that they have your back no matter what is going on around you and they are the first person you want to be with when you’ve had a stellar day or a shitty one.

I have been blessed to be surrounded by beauty for a good part of my life. There have been times where ugly seeped in, both inside and out, but all and all I’ve been pretty lucky and I find the more I focus on beauty, the more arrives.

I spend most mornings out back in my yard listening to birds. They chirp to one another in their bird lingo (probably wondering when I am going to feed them) and some mornings a nice breeze blows through the tree branches and I hear the wind chimes on the back porch ring.

There is so much beauty in this world! Sometimes it’s right in front of us and we don’t even see it, but if we just change our focus, we will witness miracles.

May you find beauty in your world, no matter who or what gifts it to you and appreciate it for all of its glory and wonder.

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.     

Kahlil Gibran

The Eyes Have It

 

eyes

“The eyes have it”; meaning that with the observation obtained from the use of the eyes, one can see and understand the object being observed and the nature and purpose of the object.

I fully disagree with this statement. You cannot assume you know a person because you look at them, nor can you have the audacity to think you understand someone just because you read their blog. It’s like watching a movie or television show and thinking you have a clue as to what that actor is really like as a person.

Writing is a form of expression. Words that may inspire others, help them in some way, entertain them or allow them a moment to share a journey with someone that they may be on as well.

It is a privilege and an honor to have someone share their life with you, which is why you should be very discerning about who your audience is.

There are people (I call them balloon poppers) who will always try and bring you down. They do not know how to love and support you because they do not love and support themselves, but they will mask this by putting you down. They can’t stand to see you happy, because their self esteem is derived from lowering yours.

In order to understand how they entered an all access pass to your life in the first place, you need to go within. You need to figure out where it was in your life that you accepted less than what you deserved (probably childhood) and heal it.

Before you go about cutting people out of your life who you feel don’t support you, understand that if you get rid of a person you perceive as a problem and don’t work on yourself, then you really don’t get rid of the problem.

You have to heal yourself and the wound that keeps re-surfacing time and time again. It might be in the form of a boss, a new beau, a new friend, a co-worker. Until you heal the wound, the person will appear in a different form.

It’s a pretty miraculous discovery once you realize this and it might even make you chuckle when it becomes so apparent. Your life and its challenges will completely make sense and hopefully inspire you to make changes within.

Do not expect other people to change. Life gets a whole lot easier and you become so much more empowered, when you change yourself. Remember…people can only ever meet you where they currently are. Don’t lower yourself to fit into their life, stay where you are (if you have done the work) or get to working on your stuff and see who arrives.

May this new year give you the strength to know the difference between those who have your back and those who do not and then have love enough for yourself to do something about it.

 

 

The Inner Child

Young British Business Boy wearing Jet Pack

an individual’s childlike aspect. It includes what a person learned as a child, before puberty. The inner child is often conceived as a semi-independent sub-personality subordinate to the waking conscious mind.

Well that’s a mouthful! To put it simply, the inner child is really the little kid in you who needs some attention.

Little kids always know what they want, unfortunately parents tell them they can’t have it. Their words (we always remember the unkind ones) can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

You can’t do it. It will never happen. You disappoint me. Be a doctor. You can’t make money as an artist. Don’t trust anyone. Everyone lies. Everyone cheats. You’re mommy’s little boy, daddy’s little girl. You’re just like your father. You’re just like your mother. You’re better off alone. No one will ever understand you. You have to work hard to make money.

Often times a parent who is not happy with themself or their life, will put all of their attention on their child or ignore them altogether.

And if you’re a woman- you might have a few daddy issues. Maybe your dad worked all the time, was emotionally unavailable, cheated on your mother. So you meet shitty men who never love you quite the way you are wanting and always end up on the receiving end of nothing.

If you’re a man-well they don’t call it smothering for nothing. Maybe you distrust women because your mother was controlling and domineering. You saw your father be emasculated and the last thing you ever wanted was a wife you couldn’t make happy, but guess what happened anyway?

If we didn’t have good role models for love when we were children, how the hell can we expect to be loving now? Everyone wants the perfect relationship, but how willing are they to work on themselves in order to make that a reality? How willing are they to go within and heal the little kid who never got that love?

Once you do that…there’s no stopping love from coming your way. Real love! The kind of shit faery tales are written about. You know why you don’t see too much of that kind of love? Cause most people haven’t healed their inner child.

Did you feel safe as a kid? Were your physical and emotional boundaries respected? Did you feel a sense of belonging in your family? Were you encouraged to be your authentic self? Were all of your basic physical necessities met like food and water? Your inner child might be throwing a temper tantrum right now if you are feeling any of the following:

You feel there might be something wrong with you.

You feel guilty standing up for yourself.

You are driven to be a super achiever.

You think of yourself as a sinner.

You criticize yourself.

You are ashamed of expressing emotions.

You don’t get mad too often, but when you do…watch out!

You distrust everyone, including yourself.

You avoid conflict at all costs.

You might be an addict.

You never felt close to one or both of your parents.

You might be afraid of people and tend to avoid them.

Your deepest fear is being alone, so you will do anything to hold onto a relationship (even when it’s toxic) or avoid them altogether.

Even though you are an adult now, your inner child is still carrying around these wounds. While most of your problems stem from your childhood, you can’t go back, so it makes no sense to keep blaming your parents for all of the wrong doing they did.

Remember…people can only teach what they have been taught, so your parents raised you based on their neglected upbringing and traumas. These same patterns will repeat themselves unless you decide to break them. Don’t you owe yourself and your children that?

Most people will tell you the only way to heal the inner child is through therapy. I’m not about to spend fifteen years on a couch with some whack job reliving my past. What is the point of that? I already lived it once, I don’t need to do it again. It’s not going to change anything. As a matter of fact, it will probably make me mad.

Most people don’t want to invest the time, and this I get, which is why I look for the fastest and best way to get results. Therapy doesn’t heal the past nor does it heal you, because you can dig up all those ugly memories in a millisecond if you want to, especially if you are triggered.

Coping mechanisms a therapist gives you might help when your mother looks at you or uses that tone, but wine can help you cope, too. Besides, wine is cheaper than traditional therapy, tastes nice, gets you looped and doesn’t ask you stupid questions.

Or you can do Eutaptics. You use your brain to change the way you see, hear, taste, smell, and feel things. It’s truly amazing and has changed my life completely. I’m actually learning how to do it because I am such a proponent of it. I’ve tapped away all of my triggers and my addiction to kettle chips. If something comes up, I simply make an appointment and it’s gone.

A trigger is merely your souls way of trying to get you on track. How far off are you? Is your track coming into the station or is it in Timbuktu? The holidays are going to be pretty rough for you if you haven’t done some inner child work,because being around all that family and all those patterns is enough to send anyone over the edge.

Let your inner child come out to play. It’s been in the shadows long enough. Go paint, play with play doh, eat cereal with marshmallows in it, stomp in some puddles, color, make a prank phone call. Whatever! Just do something that isn’t so serious. And book a fastereft session. You won’t regret it and your inner child will do cartwheels.

I’m taking my little kid for a pedicure and getting a really fun color. Where are you taking yours?

 

You Know When You’ve Met Your Match

Have you ever reached out to someone, only to be vetoed? I mean, turned down like a bad meal, a bed sheet or a job offer in Timbuktu?

What I one perceived as rejection or being rejected, I learned to realize was simply not a vibrational match for me. If I am not aligned with something or someone energetically, it is impossible for me to attract it or them into my life. Impossible!

This has helped me a lot in acting. It would be defeating and I would never leave the house again, if I focused on all of the auditions I have had where I didn’t book the job. If I constantly thought I wasn’t good enough, they didn’t like me, I had on the wrong shirt, the wrong shoes, etc.

But I know it’s none of that! Because often times I get wins where I have been wearing the same outfit I had previously not been cast in! It all comes down to who I’m vibing with!

Last week I got an email from one of the agencies I work with. They were expanding one of their divisions and asked if I would be interested in meeting them to discuss this. I  had been trying for years to get to the other side of this agency, but they work as two separate entities and had absolutely no luck. I had given up on them.

Now all of a sudden they were reaching out to me, so I knew they were interested. People don’t reach out to you if they aren’t. But I was hesitant. This particular division has not been a real winner for me and I have gone out for countless auditions. Basically I was done mentally with it and trying to focus on other areas.

Now all of a sudden, bigger brighter doors were being opened for me and all I had to do was walk through them. It was a bit of a conundrum because I would have to be open to what they had to say, even though I had already felt defeated by the situation. I almost cancelled the meeting in fact, but I realized on this journey, often times the best things for us are the things we try and reject ourselves.

So I met with them and loved them. The meeting was literally seamless. I laughed, they laughed and I felt like they really grasped who I was. One of the people said, “That was a good read, but I want you to be yourself when you read the copy. If it’s snarky, funny, no matter what that is. I want to see you being you so you can book this.”

Me being me? What a concept! In the past I had seen myself as being rejected hundreds of times for being me, but now, since I had changed my vibration, someone was interested in who I really was. I knew in that moment, I had met my vibrational match.

Life, relationships..are all supposed to be easy. When they’re not, it’s because you don’t match energetically. It’s really that simple.

This perplexes a lot of us though. When we reach out to someone we expect them to reach back and when they don’t we get sad.  We look at ourselves like we are lacking something because the other person didn’t want us. But we lack nothing. Ever. Except maybe self esteem. If we can learn to look within and work on the part of ourselves that feels like we need validation from others, we will never look outside again.

It’s so important to understand this concept. You are never rejected. You are simply being shown that what you think you want is not for you, because you are not a vibrational match for it. This doesn’t mean you never will be. But it does mean that if you learn to love yourself first, when you revisit a person or situation again, you may not even want it or them anymore.

And if you are a person on the receiving end of someone’s affection or attention and you simply don’t like them, tell them. I don’t understand why people can’t do this. Isn’t it better to get bad or sad news so you can move on? And if you can’t do that, then don’t answer the call or text! Sooner or later they will get it. And if they don’t, that’s on them.

Don’t waste your time or energy worrying about what didn’t work, spend your time and energy on things that do. Follow your joy, passion and excitement and see who and what magically appears, with little to no effort on your behalf at all.

Follow the breadcrumbs! To those who are spiritually awakened, those are called synchronicities.