crushing grief, anguish, or distress

I love a synchronicity! The card I pulled today was about unseen pain. This song is all about that. Most of us have felt heartbreak. If you haven’t, than you haven’t opened your heart to someone.

An open heart is amazing! We feel like we are on top of the world. We’re giddy, overjoyed, walk with a spring in our step and feel an inner smile that comes across our face at the mere thought of someone.

And then one day it’s like you were looking out one window at this beautiful valley with a stream and birds flying above. A rainbow was even over the horizon! But then after time, you take a look out that window and you see that the landscape has changed. You’re now looking at a junkyard. Or, if you like food, it’s as though you thought you ordered chicken soup with carrots, celery and noodles and you’re sitting with bone broth.

Heartbreak is never sudden. You can say, “I had no idea” all you want, but that’s because you don’t want to accept what you are seeing. Our heart feels the pit. It knows, but our minds refuse to believe that we opened our hearts to bone broth or a junkyard.

In it’s simplest form, heartbreak is disappointment. In relationships, if there are more disappointments then not, the heartbreak is inevitable.

This song reminds me of a friend I met with the other day. Make-up and hair are always perfect, she has great taste and style and she’s always smiling. But as she started to talk to me about the relationship with her husband and the deep sadness she felt, the tears just flowed down her face.

She said she had very few people to talk to about him. She was embarrassed and had a hard time facing the truth about him. I said I wouldn’t judge, so she started to tell me about the lies. She felt like she was going crazy. She asked him things and we would lie. Silly things. And then bigger ones where she had the proof and yet he still lied. She said every conversation to try and work on things turned into an argument.

For me, one lie is one too many, and if your partner lies about things that are not worth of lying about, or insists on telling you that you’re wrong and continues to gaslight you, then you know they are doing far more insidious things.

As she spoke I felt sick to my stomach. It was not up to me to tell her that he was a covert narcissist. These people are text book and as she told me all of things that he has done to her, I knew he was one. You cannot change one because they don’t think they need to change. What you can do, is change yourself. What I could do for her, was listen.

It can be really hard to listen to people you care about and their pain. You just want to help them, but you know that everyone needs to get to that place of seeing what is really outside that window, not what they thought they saw, on their own, in order to truly heal.

Most of us feel like we can’t confide in someone about out heartbreak. We are afraid they will judge us, we think they won’t understand or maybe we have talked too much about it and now those we share information with are sick of hearing of it.

So…maybe we go home and cut our hair with rusty kitchen scissors, scream at the top of our lungs, or drink ourselves into a coma. But then the next day we rise and shine and put on our face that says we’ve got it all going on. Until we go back home and repeat the cycle, sans the scissors this time.

Heartbreak sucks, but so necessary if we are to move on to a better place with better people who are far more worthy of our time.

For me, one lie is one too many

While our hearts might be breaking, we realize it is not from what we lost, it is from what we never had. That is real heartbreak.

So while we heal, we can still put on that lipstick and pretend we are okay until we actually are. Here’s to looking good! Even when you’re falling apart!

Are You Working It?

Several years ago I knew a girl who used to say, “You better work” all the time. We decided to be roommates in Manhattan after we finished school in Dallas. I barely knew her, but she seemed very demure and let’s face it, not too many people are willing to move to the big city from Texas.

Shortly after I had sold everything I owned and moved in with her, I became privy to her lifestyle. She met trainers constantly, was always flying somewhere or going out until all hours of the morning at private clubs or parties and shopped on Madison Avenue constantly. I didn’t understand how she could afford to do all that, since I never saw her go to work.

Hanging out with her was rare, due to my schedule at work and her lack of one. Also the financial difference was a problem. I made assistants pay and she seemed to have an endless supply. She wasn’t one to offer to pay or help you out, as money was something she coveted as much as I did her shoes, but every now and then she would be generous and offer.

This would entail a night out. She always invited me because she said I had good sense and would tell her when it was time to leave. It was seldom that I went, but when I did, the evening would always be something out of a movie.

Velvet hot pants and Karl Lagerfeld pumps were the name of the game, so while she helped herself to my clothes, I helped myself to hers. You thought the hot pants were hers? The pumps were, but those hot pants were mine and she loved to wear them. And the men loved to see her in them! Oh my God! They would get neck lash from staring at her.

There was no place that she didn’t feel at home at. She would direct the cabbie to a hot spot with a line going around a building and proceed to walk to the front, flash a coquettish smile to the bouncer and we were in. I would say, “there’a line of people, we can’t just cut.”

Lines were for losers (her words not mine), only an idiot would pay for their own drink (also her words) and if some poor unsuspecting guy happened upon her who wasn’t wearing what she deemed suitable attire, she simply looked at him and said, “I’m so not impressed” and he would walk away shamed probably never approaching a woman again.

She had an energy about her that was off the charts confident and equally chaotic. If there was drama going on, she was the director. One night she called me from an after hours place and asked me to come and get her; that meant take a cab and escort her home. I obliged. I knew she had no one else to count on, despite the fact that she had many acquaintances, many admirers, many hanger-on-ers.

When I got there she had a broken nose. The people in the place wanted to go home but she was frenetic as one could only imagine, and was in shock. They only wanted to be rid of her. I calmed her down and wiped her face of the blood. She was distraught and scared to death of what the break might do to her looks. She told me that she had called some guy a loser who had been sitting with her and some girl because he expected them to pay for his drinks.

I once questioned her safety with the choices she made, especially the mouthing off to men, to which she replied, “I pity the f-er who ever crosses me!” I admired this about her. She called it knowing her worth. She said I didn’t know mine. That I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted or required. I didn’t agree at the time and was upset about it. She didn’t care. Her words were her currency and she had a lot of them, and it, because she never stopped speaking her truth.

I stayed for almost a year being an apprentice at a bougie salon to a complete prima donna and decided to return to Dallas with the knowledge I had gained. I worked there for many years and we lost touch. It wasn’t until I was returning to Manhattan to open a new salon that we reconnected for a brief moment.

She told me that she was returning to Arizona where she was originally from. She said she was going to become a teacher. I wondered how a person who worked it could ever possibly work, but as she sat there packing her bags and talking about how tired she had become of working it with people who didn’t know their worth, I could see that she was ready to go to work and wished her well.

My old friend may have known how to work it, but in the moments where we were together in our one room at the women’s home, she showed me a vulnerable side to her that no one else ever saw. She treated waiters with kindness and cabbies too and had a keen sense of when others did not. She watched people; observed them like they were some species under a microscope. More importantly, she knew who valued themselves and who did not.

She was right about me. Back then I didn’t know my worth. I settled over and over again for less than what I was worth. I accepted crumbs, disrespect and disregard time and time again. She knew her worth so well, that men who didn’t know theirs, would be willing to do just about anything for a moment with her. It’s how she was able to see this flaw in me; the one who would accept the unacceptable in hopes that it would lead to more.

We’ve all seen people who accept the unacceptable. I saw this recently when I was in Florida. There was a young woman, probably 24, sitting with an older gentleman, probably 50 by the pool. She kept taking selfies and ordering things from the waiter, and entertaining herself as though he was’t even there. She would hand him her drink as she snapped away and then swam to the other side of the pool and threw him a bone, as she spread her legs poolside, taking more photos. She wanted people to notice her and I gather he did too. The pool was quiet and elegant and she had no respect for anyone around her, not even the families with children. It was such a spectacle! I felt sorry for him.

At some point you gotta ask yourself: Is this enough for me? Am I willing to keep making choices that cost me my self esteem? Am I willing to keep spending time with people who only measure my worth by what I am doing for them or what I am giving them? Or do I love myself enough to want more? Do I love myself enough to know I deserve more? That maybe, just maybe, there is somebody out there that will tick all the boxes for me, but maybe in order to have that, I need to tick them myself.

If we are working it; meaning putting on a mask, pretending to be all that, bringing a player vibe, then we will get exactly what we are being; transactional. But if you are working on it; meaning yourself with all your issues, then you won’t require anything from anyone because you can give it all to yourself.

Waiting for someone to save you, to see your worth, validate you, make you feel special, or to fill a void, are sure signs that you’re working it. Because when you’re working on it, you don’t have to pretend anymore. You just get to be you.

So, are you working it or working on it? Because one is a whole lot more empowering than the other.

Who is Running the show? You, or the committee inside your head?

Ever feel like you’re on a merry go round and you can’t get off? Like you see yourself watching from afar. You know you have been here before and you told yourself you were going to do things differently this time, and yet you are paralyzed from doing anything different.

This is called a cycle. We all go through them. It’s not like we want to, especially if they are toxic, don’t serve us or aren’t getting us any further to our dream life. And yet we jump on the merry go round, even though it’s rusty now and a little scary because we have outgrown the ride and the seatbelt doesn’t fit us anymore.

But we still get in. We tell ourselves things will be different this time. And well, they aren’t!

This cycle we keep ourselves in comes from comfort. We know it, we have lived it and therefore, we keep doing it. This happens all the time. People want to leave their job but they don’t. They convince themselves that staying were they are, even though they hate it, serves a purpose. Besides, so many people are out of work, they feel lucky to have a job.

Really? Is it luck or complacency?

What about relationships. We stay in them way beyond the expiration date! Like bad milk in your fridge or a piece of cheese that got lodged behind a shelf and you can’t quite find where it’s coming from. You know you need to get in there and take out the shelves, douse it with some cleaner or at the very least wipe it down, but you learn to live with the smell. After all, it’s not that bad!

But isn’t it?

We convince ourselves of so many ridiculous things, all because of what’s in our heads. You know whose in there? A little committee that is a culmination of a lot of people and a lot of years of conditioning that made you feel like crap about yourself.

So what do we do about it? Well, you can always do nothing, that is a choice. Or, you can start to focus on things that make you happy and empower you. When you start to focus on what you love instead of what you despise, life has a way of sending you more of that and the things that bother you eventually just slip away.

Relationships crumble when people aren’t on the same page. It might take awhile, but if you stay focused on your amazing life instead of your partner’s problems and how you wish they would change, they or you will eventually head off into the sunset and you’ll both be better for it.

The same thing happens at work. When you finally decide that you have had enough of where you’re at, it’s almost as if by magic someone contacts you about a new job or you get an idea for a new venture. You might stay at your old place for awhile while you start your new gig, but how amazing is it to be taking steps towards your happiness this way, instead of accepting less than the happiness you deserve.

So if you don’t like the ride you’re on, start walking towards the exit. And if you can’t get to the exit just yet, at least unbuckle the strap. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was your shitty job or shitty relationship. Give yourself a break! But do at least one thing today that will make you feel good about you and reaffirm that you do have choices and that you do deserve to be happy.

Now do that one thing or something like it…again and again until your life is transformed. The next time you get on a Merry Go Round, make sure it’s at a big park and you’re with people you love. Cotton Candy optional.

You get to write the script

Let’s talk about manifesting!

You’ve probably heard of “The Secret” which pretty much kept everything a secret, when it comes to actually manifesting anything at all.

I personally found the book confusing and full of bs. No matter how much I tried to decipher it’s simplicity, it just seemed like a lot of people who were wealthy popping off about how easy it was. It’s been awhile since I read it but I do remember being frustrated by it.

If you watched the video to this song, then you saw that every person in it didn’t let their circumstances get in the way of their success. They actually took them, grew stronger from them and they became one of their driving forces.

So if you are still confused as how to be a magical manifester, this is all you need to know. Your ability to manifest comes from where your focus is. If your focus is on what you want and you commit to staying focused on it, meaning you take steps in the direction of what you want, then you will manifest it.

Here is the twist to manifesting what you focus on: if you focus on something you want and aren’t doing anything to get it, then it will not show up in your life because you are focusing on the lack of it instead of taking action to get it.

It is a union of focus and action. You have to trust your instincts and the inner voice that tells you when to take action and when to sit back and wait. Doing no action gets you no manifestations.

The fact that you can manifest pretty much anything you want is all around you. Even the stuff you didn’t want to manifest. Your focus had to be on it at one point (probably more than you realized) and there it is!

If the average person has 6200 thoughts a day, just imagine how much manifesting you can do! Be mindful of your thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking bad ones, change the channel.

Here is a life hack that worked for me: I once carried a crystal in my pocket for over a year. I can tell you a little about the healing powers of crystals, but only because I put them in every order that is placed through my company. At the time I carried the crystal I thought it looked pretty, but that was all I knew. I just wanted a distraction for when I got triggered by irritating conversation or people. This kept my focus on the crystal, not what was being said or who I was around.

You can bring a crystal anywhere and no one will know it’s there. Just be careful how hard you rub it. Someone might get the wrong idea about you. Some of my favorites are: CRYSTAL QUARTZ (classic), PINK QUARTZ for universal love, TIGERS EYE for releasing fear and of course CITRINE for self esteem. If you want to throw in a piece of GREEN AVENTURINE to attract wealth, go for it.

My ability to manifest shows up all the time, even without the crystals. At this point I totally get it. When I focus on my business I sell cards. When I focus on acting, I get auditions and when I focus on things that bother me, I get more.

Don’t focus on what bothers you! Focus on what you want and then wait for divine inspiration for steps to take towards getting it. And maybe carry a crystal to keep your thoughts happy.


the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.

I always liked George Michael! So talented and of course easy on the eyes! I always liked this song, too. I never really listened to the words before but the other day I did and found some of the lines rather profound.

It reminded me of going out back in the day and meeting people who basically told you exactly where they were at emotionally but pursuing them anyway. I never understood why me or my friends did this, I only knew we liked some guy and they didn’t reciprocate the feeling.

But now that I know what I know, I get it.

Some people try very hard to tell you they aren’t in the same place as you, but there is a part of an unhealed or wounded person that feels if they love that person in just the right way, they will come around.

What we fail to realize is that in doing so, we lose ourselves and our self esteem, self worth and become self loathing. The more we give, the less we get and we wind up feeling horrible.

It is only inevitable that events and our response equals the outcome, so if we are looking for a different outcome, then our response has to be different too. Instead of wanting to hear something or reading into it, we need to REALLY listen to what is being said by another in order to avoid a pitfall.

So if you were out and you heard someone say: “All that bullshit conversation
Baby, can’t you read the signs? I won’t bore you with the details, baby
I don’t even wanna waste your time
Let’s just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, I ain’t Mr. Right But if you’re looking for fast love
If that’s love in your eyes, it’s more than enough
Had some bad love
Some fast love, is all that I’ve got on my mind”

you have a choice. Did you hear what they said? Cause they aren’t looking for love! They are looking for an escape!

But what of escapism? Is it something we all do at one point? Or is it something only a few of us do?

Personally, I think escapism is for people who have the luxury to do so. Most of us can’t. We have responsibilities, bills to pay and let’s face it, in order to escape you’ve got to have some money. Not everybody has the means to fly off somewhere, buy copious amounts of liquor for potential pickups or multiple residences to hide away in.

So maybe when it comes down to it, the more you have, the more you can live in denial. Cause in the real world most people don’t have time to escape, let alone for fast love. And if we are being honest, most people don’t want that.

Fast love doesn’t know you. Fast love doesn’t get your back. Fast love doesn’t take care of you when you are sick. Fast love doesn’t respect you. Fast love doesn’t know how you like your coffee and Fast love certainly doesn’t love itself. It’s merely a transaction.

I think it’s good to escape sometimes. We all need to. But watching a movie, going away for a few days and maybe just reading a good book is far healthier for the soul, then bringing someone else into your drama and heartache.

Keep the escapism and fast love coming from George Michael! Do the work! Learn to love yourself and you won’t feel the need to escape, or fast love from anyone ever again. It just won’t satisfy you.


Every day we are met with choices. Do we do this or do we do that? Doing nothing is a choice as well. Sometimes it is all we can do, especially when we are trying to protect ourselves from being hurt.

How many times has someone asked you, “How are you doing?” and you responded, “I’m good” when really you were the exact opposite. Most people cannot handle the truth and when they ask this, we all seem to know they don’t really care, that they don’t really want to hear how we are doing and they are just being polite.

Imagine telling someone how you really feel when they asked that. “How are you doing?” “Well, now that you asked…let me tell you!” I’m not sure the person would know what to do. It would be interesting to find out though.

It’s funny how this became a norm, isn’t it? We answer what sounds like a meaningful question with a rather meaningless reply. I’m sure at one time it had to mean something when someone asked it and at one time people told the truth. I imagine the days when neighbors were neighbors and knew one another, watched each others kids and brought a pie over when you moved in.

But now people don’t really want to know how others are doing, unless they are relevant to them. Do you know your neighbors? Do you chat it up with them? Invite them over? Do you know anything personal about them? Or are you the person who waves, gives a nonchalant smile and thanks God that they aren’t bothering you?

Maybe the lack of communication isn’t with the person asking “How are you” maybe the problem is with the person answering.

Maybe in that moment when we are being asked how we are, we think about all of the ways we feel as though we are wrong because of the choices we have made. Maybe we are thinking how sad we are because we want to be in love but can’t meet the right partner, we hate our job and can’t stand our boss, a family member is sick and we don’t know if they are going to recover. But instead of saying any of that, we say, “I’m good.” because admitting anything else would make us less perfect than how we long to appear.

Our emotions can change from moment to moment, so why wouldn’t are choices follow? How can you make a bad choice? It’s just a choice. And there really aren’t any bad ones, unless if you are planning on committing a crime.

We should never fault ourselves for making the choices we do. How else are we going to learn? The problem comes when you continue to make choices that wind up making you miserable, and you don’t do anything about it.

We can lament all we want about the choices we have made in our lives and think about how different things could have been, would have been, if only we would have made different ones. But does that really get us anywhere? Does choosing to lament over the past change it?

If you didn’t like a choice you made, you can always make a different one. Haven’t you ever ordered something to eat and then changed your mind after you gave it to a waiter? Or are you one of those people who don’t want to bother them, so you eat something else instead of what you really wanted?

The choices we made can keep us locked in our past, filled with teary eyes and a longing for how we wish we would have done things different, or they can empower us to realize we made the choices we did at the time because it is how we felt.

As people change, their choices change and that’s the beautiful and often times painful thing about growth. But it’s growth and personal growth should always be celebrated.

So forget about the choices you made, wipe those those teary eyes and just keep on dancin/walkin/movin forward. Eventually your teary eyes will turn to smiley ones and you’ll be laughing instead.

Know Your Worth

What is self worth? Is it something we obtain by acquiring material success? Do we measure it by the company we keep? The way others value us?

If you measure self worth by these means, then chances are you probably struggle with it a bit.

You might give your attention to a cause, a sport, a group, an organization looking for the accolades, the acknowledgement, to be seen, heard, honored, respected. You might say its because you want to help or it’s the right things to do, but is it really?

You probably work hard, may even struggle at times with how much you work compared to how much you make. You might work over time, work when people need you to no matter the hour, or when someone calls in sick. The point is you do all this work because you want to be recognized for it. But there is a part of you that might be bitter about why some people seem to work so little and have so much.

You might commit to things you don’t want to do, especially if it is family or work, where you feels it is expected of you. You essentially put the needs of others ahead of yourself over and over again and when all is said and done, someone always says something or does something that makes you feel bad about yourself and you wish you would have stayed at home.

You probably hate criticism or at least that is what it sounds like to you, whenever someone gives you their advice.

You struggle with personal relationships all the time. To the outside world it might look as though everything is hunky dory, but the truth is, you feel like no one really gets you.

Sound familiar? I write this, because I lived it. For many years. I was always the person looking for approval, dreading visits with nasty people and saving animals. But after awhile you get tired of always feeling like no matter what you do it isn’t enough, so you just stop trying.

When I got to a point where I was so utterly broken, so utterly heartbroken, I knew I needed to make changes and this is when Faster EFT found me. It was through this form of therapy that I learned about programs people run and how I had been running one myself.

When I was told that all of the animals I was trying to save were essentially me, I didn’t like the way it sounded. I didn’t feel like I was a person who needed saving, but then when I thought about it, it became painfully obvious that I was.

I reflected on those words for weeks. Since I was a teenager I had been waiting for someone to save me; someone to see my worth. I wanted someone to love me so much, that they would unlock the cage I was in. But the truth is, I put myself there and there was only one love that was going to get me out of it and it was mine.

You see, we can blame others our whole lives and that might work for awhile. But at the end of the day we will still be in the same place. Angry, frustrated, broken, a victim of some kind or form, essentially a dog in a cage at the pound, waiting for someone to come and save us. Wanting someone to pick us above all others.

But as long as we stay there in that vibration, we will find others to save us alright, others to pick us, but they will be exactly as we are; wounded. They may look like a pedigree, but they will still be wounded. Often times their wounds will be far worse than ours and unfortunately, we will suffer the consequence.

You can only ever attract into your life what you think about yourself. This means the way you value yourself. If you do not value yourself, you will attract people who do not value themselves either, so how can they possibly value you?

If you really struggle with self worth, you may even attract an emotionally abusive relationship. This sounds severe, because it is. People don’t give emotional abuse enough attention. It doesn’t leave outward scars, but the internal ones take years if ever to get over. People do not see the damage caused by such abuse, nor do they ever see the true nature of the abuser, which is why it is so utterly impossible for someone to explain it. Their true nature is only ever exposed to those closest to them, to the rest of the world they look like a nice guy/girl.

Common traits of an emotional abuser are an absolute disrespect of your personal boundaries. They only benefit when you don’t have any, so they will get upset when you try to set them. There is no such thing as communication because they see everything as an argument. When you try and discuss your feelings with them you will get the silent treatment. Finances will be used to control and manipulate you. They will guilt or shame you to get what they want. They will not change no matter how much you beg and plead because they don’t see an issue with their actions.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, it is important that you do not blame yourself for attracting this into your life. When you love too much, you can attract someone who does not know how to love at all and you can spend the rest of your life trying to fix them.

We think if we can just love them a little more…give them a little more…show them a little more, they will love us the way we love them. But they won’t. People who are emotionally abusive are so damaged, it doesn’t matter if you are loving them or fighting them, because it’s all attention.

Isn’t it better to give all of that attention to yourself? Your glorious, beautiful nature may have been trampled on in the past, but you have all the power to change it right now.

When you start to love yourself enough, you understand that you do not need anyone to save you, to see you, to want you. You understand that you are enough, that you always have been and you do not need anyone to complete you.

They say you don’t get to pick your family, but if you believe in karma, that’s not true. We pick everybody in our lives due to our beliefs. What do you believe to be true about yourself?

Self worth is not measured by what we acquire out there, it is measured by what we acquire from within. Get to acquiring more love for yourself.

The lies we tell and the ones we believe

I have always been fascinated by people who lie to themselves. They can be a myriad of things. From how they look, to how they feel and how they think others feel about them.

If a person is out of touch, they might think all is well, when things are just one stitch away from unraveling. It’s a different mindset for sure.

There is a refusal to believe that things are over, that things aren’t really as bad as they seem or that conviction to he/she didn’t mean it that keeps them in this state of utter denial.

They lie to themselves so well, often times the most painful situations are overlooked and unbelievably forgiven. This often comes at the sacrifice of others, usually those they hold dearest. I have never understood this complete denial of the truth, because I try very hard to live mine.

Sometimes people do not like to hear what I have to say, but my truth is merely my truth. I may apologize for offending someone, but only because I realize after the fact that they are not ready to hear what I have to say.

People are afraid of the truth. They will do anything to deny it, to avoid it. Men or women will have affairs in their marriage because they are so unhappy, and the partner will turn the other away, pretending not to notice.

People will lie to the companies they work for, pretending to be something they are not and then have the audacity to question why they were let go a few months later.

People will present themselves to be something they aren’t; quoting literature and versus from things they have read, all the while not even knowing what any of it means, just so they can impress others who they think are interested in such nonsense.

Lies are always being told. Countless, unnecessary lies being told over and over again, because some people would rather lie about who they are or what they are, then own they truly are.

What is is about a lie? Why do people feel the need to lie? Are they so weak that they cannot tell the truth? Or is it a refusal to see it? To own it? To decide to be who they are, instead of what they think others want or expect them to be?

I personally don’t have a clue why people lie, nor do I care. My only problem with a lie, is when it effects someone I love. Because lies ruin relationships. And the first lie a liar tells, is the first brick you put between you and another. The wall is inevitable. Because if you can tell one lie to a partner or a child, then you are capable of many.

Lies serve no one but the person telling them, and in the end, the lies are all the person who told them are with.

It is better to be who you are, then to pretend to be something you aren’t. To be a liar, is to be a loner, and ironically, it is that last thing a liar wants but it is inevitably where they wind up. I guess you can call it karmic justice.

Change the Narrative

I find it interesting that people will say they want change but continue to do the exact opposite. You can tell they don’t mean it because they repeat the same patterns and programs like they have a thousand times before and wonder why the same shit keeps happening to them. It’s a vicious cycle and one that ultimately gets them nowhere.

You see, in order to have change, there needs to be a new narrative. You can’t expect change if you hang out with the same people, are doing the same stupid shit you always have and are sharing the same narrative. Like attracts like, so it’s redundant and counter productive if you want change. Because if you want change, then you have to make it.

But making changes for some people is so difficult, instead of cutting off what no longer serves them, they would rather cut off things and people they value most (or at least they say they do), instead. It’s unfathomable but it happens all the time.

The ego is tricky. It convinces them that they are never at fault. But let’s be honest; the blame game is so 2020! I mean, come on! At some point you have to be accountable for YOUR LIFE.

You might hate your current situation, lack of relationships or whatever your story is, but what you really hate is feeling powerless. You feel like you have no control over it and that’s just another lie you tell yourself. You have all the power!

Here’s why.

The single biggest predictor for your future success in a relationship or job or anything for that matter, is not the facts of your situation, but the story you tell about it.

If you want to change your life, you gotta change your narrative. You can’t keep repeating the same cycle and expect different results. Here are some really debilitating narratives: Ever since I turned …age, my life sucks. I wish I hadn’t made that investment. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I would have listened. I wish I would have had that drink with them. I wish I would have answered their call. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time. I wish I would have gotten their back. I wish I would have taken that job. I wish I would have spoken up. If only I would have. If only this would happen.

These narratives have become a part of you. They are just as much a part of you as your organs. It’s who you are now. You have penned this story. You are the author. That’s right, you are the author! Which means, if you don’t like the story, you can change it.

If you continue to tell the same story to the same people who listen to it, you only perpetuate that story and not the one you really long to tell. What you long to tell, like all of us, is a love story, a story of success, a story of happily every after. But the real key to this conundrum comes down to who you are sharing your stories with. And more importantly, what is the story you are telling?

Is it a tall tale? A work of fiction? A horror story? Unrequited love? Trials and Tribulations? A trashy romance novel? One of revenge? Ooh…maybe its a gossip novel. You know, like a beach read for chicks.

Not too many people tell a non-fiction story. They rarely tell you how they really feel or what is going on in their lives. And they rarely confess! They don’t tell you the shitty shit they’ve done to other people.

Instead, they brag, boast and bullshit so much you would think their life is stellar, but yet they somehow seem to be in the same place emotionally, mentally, financially, physically and of course spiritually (most people who do this scoff at spirituality).

I wish someone would invent a bullshit detector app that went off when someone told anything other than a non-fiction story. How refreshing would that be! To hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but it! Well, actually you already have a bullshit detector; it’s called your intuition and it never lies. So if you are feeling like something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.

Here is the narrative I could tell myself: If I have to shuffle down the hallway like the Dunkin Donuts guy one more time, saying, “Time to make another meal!” I’m going to take a sledge hammer to my oven!

If I don’t book an acting job in the next week I’m quitting!

If I can’t travel over seas in the next year I am going to lose my mind! If I can’t have somebody bump into me on the subway or the streets of Manhattan and have them say “What the fuck” I’m going to go to a grocery store where I live and bump into everyone until someone does!

If I continue with this particular narrative I am going to feel even more disempowered, so I need to change my narrative from a lack state to a more abundant one, because the two narratives are very different.

I think I am going to go with this narrative instead:

Ooh another sale on Etsy! I can hardly wait to sell more cards! I think I’ll try a few new restaurants this week…maybe some seafood. I know! A trip to Miami is in order. My middle son has been asking me to come, so I think I will. I think I’ll go this Thursday. Hmmm, let me ask my beautiful sister, my best friend, if she wants to join me. Jackpot! Her amazing husband wants to come too! What’s that? You want to pay for the room? The tower suite at the Biltmore Hotel for 4 nights? (not exactly Galeta, Pisa or Eiffel, but a tower none the less, so I’ll take it) You guys are the best!!! Oh gosh! The only thing that will make my little getaway complete is if somebody tells me to get the fuck out of their way in Miami International!

I like that narrative! What’s yours?

Saying Nothing Says a Whole Lot

No one can deny this is a beautiful song. But the meaning behind it is rather tragic.

Waiting for someone to tell you how they feel after you have already tried to convey your feelings to them and them not saying anything in return, says more than some of us can handle.

The words we long to hear don’t come, so we imagine the worst and stop giving to someone who is not receiving, and we walk away. Words can be weapons or they can be beautiful, but when we don’t speak them at all, it leaves others to wonder how we feel. And of course, we always imagine the worst.

Why is it so hard for some people to express themselves? Were they shot down as a child every time they did? Were they raised in a house like my grandmother, where they were told, “Children should be seen and not heard?” Perhaps every time they did try to convey their feelings they were laughed at or told it was wrong.

It doesn’t matter. None of that really matters. What does matter is how not expressing yourself and what you really feel just keeps perpetuating your past and denying you of love and authentic relationships.

It can be hard to express ourselves. I work very hard on this with my children. Sometimes we have arguments and they express themselves very well. It’s the apology that has a harder time coming, but it does. Eventually it does.

I have taught them to express themselves their entire lives and I have also taught them that it is equally important to acknowledge when you have said things that are hurtful or done something that made someone angry. I practice what I preach and there have been many times where I have had to apologize to them. We are very honest with one another and share a mutual respect.

This love, honesty and respect can be had in any relationship, but it does require saying something. You can always start with I’m sorry, How are you, I was just thinking about you, or Can we talk. They all work.

An authentic relationship will require you to be vulnerable. Are you ready to say something or do you want to keep having ones that are superficial?