Can’t Stop the Feeling!

You gotta love this song! You can’t not feel good about life when you hear it.

We all have a choice to be electric, but it can only happen if you choose to focus on all of the good in your life. Personally, I feel like a freaking lighting bolt.

No matter what is going on around you, no matter who is trying to mess with you, if you stay focused on what you are doing and give little to no attention to what haters are up to, you can stay in this little bubble of happiness and nothing will bother you.

This lazer focus is a true testament to how committed you are to self worth, self love and self empowerment. It is also what will keep you sane amongst insanity.

You can’t stop this good feeling when you are in touch with yourself. You can literally smile like a fool just thinking about all of the blessings in your life. I do it all the time. Sometimes I just think of someone I like and I smile. It comes from a place deep inside me. It is internal and therefore it becomes external.

True change only comes in your life when you work from the inside out but most people go about this backwards. They think if they move, exercise, diet, etc. that their sad life will transform into a better one. But there is a saying about this, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

Simply put, if you have not changed who you are internally; meaning reflected on your life and why things haven’t gone so well for you, then wherever you go, you will still be taking your old, sad, miserable self with you. Because you are internally the same, you will only attract old, sad, and miserable people and the cycle of misery will continue.

Or, you can become electric.

You light the fires within, feel the feels and begin to see that everything and everyone is always a lesson, a test and a blessing. Once you realize this, it becomes very easy to release what no longer serves you.

Triggers become a thing of the past because there is no need to give your precious energy to anything or anyone that is not vibing where you are. If someone doesn’t like you, you just don’t care. You know that you are not for everyone but those who are, are electric too. You also understand that is doesn’t matter what people think of your choices, because when you operate from a place like this, you know that everything you do is for the highest good of all and never selfishly motivated.

This is electric my friends. And it is uber powerful.

Nocturnal

If something is nocturnal, it belongs to or is active at night.

It may be darkest before the dawn, but a lot of really powerful things happen in the dark.

There is something called the dark night of the soul. Eckhart Tolle explains it like this:

“It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness.  The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses. It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before.  Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place.”

If you haven’t experienced this transformation, then you have either not had any things happen to you that were challenging (which I highly doubt) or you have chosen to ignore those things by putting on a blindfold, turning your head the other way, suppressing your emotions and quite possibly being co-dependent upon another person to fulfill you.

Co-dependency at its core simply means you rely on someone else for your happiness. You can’t imagine your life without another person, need someone by your side no matter how disempowered you might feel at times and are willing to accept terms and conditions that do not necessarily fulfill you, but they keep the peace in your relationship, so you comply.

Now if you read that and feel triggered, don’t shoot the messenger. I know quite a bit about being co-dependent because I was that way before my dark knight of the soul. The funny thing about co-dependency is you don’t even realize how much you are, until you experience this spiritual transformation.

If you are currently experiencing any sort of trauma or tower moments in your life, meaning things aren’t going as planned or so well, then you are being called to awaken to some pattern or program you are running that is not serving you. In short, you are not being your most authentic self.

We all come here for a higher purpose. If you don’t know what yours is, then you are probably in denial in some part of your life. Like I said, you can stay where you are and continue to play your part or you can give yourself the opportunity to honor your feelings and speak your truth. Initially this truth need not be spoken to anyone else; it needs to start with you.

Ask yourself: Do I go along with others so I don’t rock the boat even when it is something I don’t want to do? Am I honored for my choices, my voice, my opinions or am I shut down and judged for them? Do I accept less than what I deserve? Do I allow people to speak to me in a matter or tone that is inappropriate? Is my time or space being compromised by those who only serve themselves with little regard to serving me?

Don’t be afraid to be nocturnal. Think of the owl. He is nocturnal and we all think of the owl as being wise. Darkness does lead to light, but it is in the darkness that we meet our shadow side and have the opportunity to shed light on it and set it free.

It is lightest before the dawn, but the darkness gives us an opportunity to reflect on what makes us happy and that which does not. Embrace it!

More

An oldie but a goodie!

I want to talk about more because so many of us say we want more, even think we deserve more, but few of us go about getting it because it often requires a bit of discomfort. Sometimes a whole boat load!

I recently separated from my husband. We have been married for over 20 years and have three boys. We have separated a few times in our time together, but this time it is far more substantial. He rented an apartment.

It’s no joke that I have been through a huge transformation. While my core values are still very much the same, as is the love I give unconditionally, my lack of wanting to participate in programs and patterns that do not serve anyone, has greatly.

This has confused him and made him say, “he wants his wife back.” I get it! I really do, which is why I am seeing this separation as something that is paramount to his well being and happiness just as much as mine.

When you do enough work on yourself you do not feel the need to be acrimonious towards someone you spent well, almost a lifetime with, let alone had children with. I cannot speak for him. Right now we are working together, but he does have influences around him that don’t see relationships as give and take, just take. But I am choosing to remain optimistic.

I truly want want is best for him and I know at this juncture, it is not me.

When you know that you want more than what you currently have, staying in that place of accepting less is not an option; in fact it is soul crushing. But fear of the unknown will keep so many of us dwelling there, hoping it gets better, hoping for this, wishing for that, until we realize you can wish and hope all you want, but what is called for is change.

I don’t know where I’m headed and that’s okay. I am not afraid of the unknown; I fear complacency far more than that. I actually like being alone and am not alone enough. I have two children home now and my oldest is on his way to see me for Mothers Day. They are my greatest achievement and the most wonderful thing that came out of my marriage.

And while I do not share my thoughts on my personal issues with my boys unless they ask, I do have really terrific friends and family who really love me, support me and have my back. I need not look too far for a shoulder to lean on, someone to make me laugh or to tell me I am capable of anything.

It is not through our wins that we see who supports us, it is through our trials and tribulations. It is very telling who wants to be in your life when you are challenged and who does not. Sometimes this truth hurts, but all necessary in order to fully own the fact that you will never again accept less than what you know you truly deserve. We all deserve more love, not less; don’t ever forget that.

I share this with you so that you understand there is never any reason to accept less than what your soul is yearning for. The journey to self love can be very painful but when you finally reach this destination, you realize the pain you felt all along was really inflicted by yourself. You saw things you wanted to see, not what was actually there and that’s because you sought outside yourself for the love you should have been giving you all along.

Once you reach a level of self-love, you will never settle for less than more, more, and more!

Dare to have more!

Grit

Grit is a personality trait possessed by individuals who demonstrate passion and perseverance toward a goal despite being confronted by significant obstacles and distractions.

Here’s a story about grit. All of my boys were given this incredible opportunity to attend middle school in Manhattan. And while people scoffed at the idea and judged me for thinking it was a better option than the schools in our town, they thrived there and the experiences each of them had were paramount to who they are today.

My oldest was an actor at the time and went to the Fame school, my middle son was never challenged academically and finally was. My youngest learned to navigate the subway system in the sixth grade and found extreme compassion for those less fortunate. I still send him with ones to give to homeless people when he travels through the city to get to his school. He was the one who told me about grit.

The public school they attended is called Booker T and is located on 107th street. At the time it was called Delta Honors and was very hard to get in. It is filled with an array of teachers, mostly young, who push the kids pretty rigorously so that they can go on to a good high school. They are passionate about what they do and insist on meeting with the parents every quarter; something unheard of in this pissy town I live in.

One teacher, an older woman who liked to yell, had a grit tree in her classroom. She had all the kids color a paper bird and place it on the bottom limb of the tree. When they did something she found “grit worthy” they got to move up a branch. One day a boy in the class did something she deemed not grit like, and took his bird off the tree. Literally clipped his wings! I guess it disturbed my youngest a lot, for him to relay the story to me.

When people dare to be different, dare to step out of the box and fly in a different direction, there are always people who will clip their wings or will at least try to. The thing that keeps a person flying high above like an eagle, is the ability to not care what others think.

People care too much about what others think, which is why they never reach eagle status. Eagles fly higher than other birds. They understand and accept this. And, they only fly with other eagles.

So either you have enough grit to fly like an eagle or you are a bird amongst a flock who does what others do because you are too afraid to fly. Your fear of flying simply comes from your fear of being judged for doing so.

Dare to be different! I’ll be up here in the clouds if you care to join me.

Are You Working It?

Several years ago I knew a girl who used to say, “You better work” all the time. We decided to be roommates in Manhattan after we finished school in Dallas. I barely knew her, but she seemed very demure and let’s face it, not too many people are willing to move to the big city from Texas.

Shortly after I had sold everything I owned and moved in with her, I became privy to her lifestyle. She met trainers constantly, was always flying somewhere or going out until all hours of the morning at private clubs or parties and shopped on Madison Avenue constantly. I didn’t understand how she could afford to do all that, since I never saw her go to work.

Hanging out with her was rare, due to my schedule at work and her lack of one. Also the financial difference was a problem. I made assistants pay and she seemed to have an endless supply. She wasn’t one to offer to pay or help you out, as money was something she coveted as much as I did her shoes, but every now and then she would be generous and offer.

This would entail a night out. She always invited me because she said I had good sense and would tell her when it was time to leave. It was seldom that I went, but when I did, the evening would always be something out of a movie.

Velvet hot pants and Karl Lagerfeld pumps were the name of the game, so while she helped herself to my clothes, I helped myself to hers. You thought the hot pants were hers? The pumps were, but those hot pants were mine and she loved to wear them. And the men loved to see her in them! Oh my God! They would get neck lash from staring at her.

There was no place that she didn’t feel at home at. She would direct the cabbie to a hot spot with a line going around a building and proceed to walk to the front, flash a coquettish smile to the bouncer and we were in. I would say, “there’a line of people, we can’t just cut.”

Lines were for losers (her words not mine), only an idiot would pay for their own drink (also her words) and if some poor unsuspecting guy happened upon her who wasn’t wearing what she deemed suitable attire, she simply looked at him and said, “I’m so not impressed” and he would walk away shamed probably never approaching a woman again.

She had an energy about her that was off the charts confident and equally chaotic. If there was drama going on, she was the director. One night she called me from an after hours place and asked me to come and get her; that meant take a cab and escort her home. I obliged. I knew she had no one else to count on, despite the fact that she had many acquaintances, many admirers, many hanger-on-ers.

When I got there she had a broken nose. The people in the place wanted to go home but she was frenetic as one could only imagine, and was in shock. They only wanted to be rid of her. I calmed her down and wiped her face of the blood. She was distraught and scared to death of what the break might do to her looks. She told me that she had called some guy a loser who had been sitting with her and some girl because he expected them to pay for his drinks.

I once questioned her safety with the choices she made, especially the mouthing off to men, to which she replied, “I pity the f-er who ever crosses me!” I admired this about her. She called it knowing her worth. She said I didn’t know mine. That I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted or required. I didn’t agree at the time and was upset about it. She didn’t care. Her words were her currency and she had a lot of them, and it, because she never stopped speaking her truth.

I stayed for almost a year being an apprentice at a bougie salon to a complete prima donna and decided to return to Dallas with the knowledge I had gained. I worked there for many years and we lost touch. It wasn’t until I was returning to Manhattan to open a new salon that we reconnected for a brief moment.

She told me that she was returning to Arizona where she was originally from. She said she was going to become a teacher. I wondered how a person who worked it could ever possibly work, but as she sat there packing her bags and talking about how tired she had become of working it with people who didn’t know their worth, I could see that she was ready to go to work and wished her well.

My old friend may have known how to work it, but in the moments where we were together in our one room at the women’s home, she showed me a vulnerable side to her that no one else ever saw. She treated waiters with kindness and cabbies too and had a keen sense of when others did not. She watched people; observed them like they were some species under a microscope. More importantly, she knew who valued themselves and who did not.

She was right about me. Back then I didn’t know my worth. I settled over and over again for less than what I was worth. I accepted crumbs, disrespect and disregard time and time again. She knew her worth so well, that men who didn’t know theirs, would be willing to do just about anything for a moment with her. It’s how she was able to see this flaw in me; the one who would accept the unacceptable in hopes that it would lead to more.

We’ve all seen people who accept the unacceptable. I saw this recently when I was in Florida. There was a young woman, probably 24, sitting with an older gentleman, probably 50 by the pool. She kept taking selfies and ordering things from the waiter, and entertaining herself as though he was’t even there. She would hand him her drink as she snapped away and then swam to the other side of the pool and threw him a bone, as she spread her legs poolside, taking more photos. She wanted people to notice her and I gather he did too. The pool was quiet and elegant and she had no respect for anyone around her, not even the families with children. It was such a spectacle! I felt sorry for him.

At some point you gotta ask yourself: Is this enough for me? Am I willing to keep making choices that cost me my self esteem? Am I willing to keep spending time with people who only measure my worth by what I am doing for them or what I am giving them? Or do I love myself enough to want more? Do I love myself enough to know I deserve more? That maybe, just maybe, there is somebody out there that will tick all the boxes for me, but maybe in order to have that, I need to tick them myself.

If we are working it; meaning putting on a mask, pretending to be all that, bringing a player vibe, then we will get exactly what we are being; transactional. But if you are working on it; meaning yourself with all your issues, then you won’t require anything from anyone because you can give it all to yourself.

Waiting for someone to save you, to see your worth, validate you, make you feel special, or to fill a void, are sure signs that you’re working it. Because when you’re working on it, you don’t have to pretend anymore. You just get to be you.

So, are you working it or working on it? Because one is a whole lot more empowering than the other.

It Takes Two

In “The Art of War”, Sun-Tzu says there are five essentials for victory. The first, is know when to fight and when not to fight.

The ego wants to fight because it wants to be validated, heard, understood. It is why we will engage with others and try and force our opinions on them.

When we are in the trenches, we want to go in full on battle mode, engage our sword (which in this case is our tongue) and lash out at them. We want them to hear our side, feel what we feel, have remorse, even regret, and on top of it all, we want them to say they are sorry for what they did to us and mean it.

The problem with this, is that it takes accountability. Without it, there will never be an apology or any reflection whatsoever and to think that there will be is what keeps your ego fighting for one.

We can only ever be accountable for what we do and how our actions may hurt others. People aren’t always going to agree with us. There are so many reasons for this, and most of them have nothing to do with us at all.

There is exceptional power in knowing when to fight and when not to. This is a person who has mastered the art of war, because they have mastered themselves. They understand that most wars are really within themselves. Our minds do far more damage to us then anyone else ever could.

If you feel the need to engage with someone remember this; What we carry within us shows up in our outer world. Read that again. If you carry wounds of self loathing, self doubt or low self esteem, the Universe has a remarkable way of bringing every character into your play that has those same exact qualities.

You see, what we fight will continue to fight us back, until we decide the fight is futile and give our energy to something else. That something else is you.

It may not be easy to fight the battle within, but is a far more worthy battle then trying to fight others who carry the same wounds. With enough warrior spirit you will eventually change your inner story and will never feel the need to fight anyone else again.

This is called Pranidhana (Surrender).

Expectations

a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

What is a life without expectations? Freedom.

When we have expectations of another person fulfilling our vision, we set ourselves up for disappointment. How can we expect someone else to think the way we do? To understand what we have been through? To share the same values, the same grievances, the same joys, hopes, fears, dreams, etc.

But so many of us have expectations of others and live a life that is half instead of full. We expect someone else to come along and be our other half and fulfill us, when we haven’t even done it ourselves.

How can anyone do that? And why would you want them to?

When you leave yourself open to giving your power away on this level, at some point when you level up or they do and decide you can fulfill yourself, you might find the person you put all of those hopes and wishes into lacking. You might even feel like a person who bought a car you thought ticked all the boxes, only to find out it was a lemon. Now you’re feeling like you’ve been bamboozled.

But you weren’t. Your expectations of what you thought that person could bring you was exactly what you needed in order to learn the lesson of self worth.

When we value ourselves we do not look outside of ourselves for anything. We know that no one can fulfill our expectations. No one but us.

It is just far too much pressure on someone for them to fulfill your emptiness; the void you have within yourself that begs to be filled.

Why don’t you fill it? Give it what it wants! If you still don’t know what that is I’ll tell you. LOVE!

It’s almost Valentine’s Day…why not give yourself that big box of chocolates or a card professing your unconditional love? Take yourself out to dinner! Order in! Do something special for yourself and stop waiting for someone to do it for you.

The best relationships are the ones where two people are giving and receiving equally. If you’re giving your cup of love to an empty vessel, then you will always be thirsty.

Give yourself what you seek from another and you will never be thirsty again.

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