More

An oldie but a goodie!

I want to talk about more because so many of us say we want more, even think we deserve more, but few of us go about getting it because it often requires a bit of discomfort. Sometimes a whole boat load!

I recently separated from my husband. We have been married for over 20 years and have three boys. We have separated a few times in our time together, but this time it is far more substantial. He rented an apartment.

It’s no joke that I have been through a huge transformation. While my core values are still very much the same, as is the love I give unconditionally, my lack of wanting to participate in programs and patterns that do not serve anyone, has greatly.

This has confused him and made him say, “he wants his wife back.” I get it! I really do, which is why I am seeing this separation as something that is paramount to his well being and happiness just as much as mine.

When you do enough work on yourself you do not feel the need to be acrimonious towards someone you spent well, almost a lifetime with, let alone had children with. I cannot speak for him. Right now we are working together, but he does have influences around him that don’t see relationships as give and take, just take. But I am choosing to remain optimistic.

I truly want want is best for him and I know at this juncture, it is not me.

When you know that you want more than what you currently have, staying in that place of accepting less is not an option; in fact it is soul crushing. But fear of the unknown will keep so many of us dwelling there, hoping it gets better, hoping for this, wishing for that, until we realize you can wish and hope all you want, but what is called for is change.

I don’t know where I’m headed and that’s okay. I am not afraid of the unknown; I fear complacency far more than that. I actually like being alone and am not alone enough. I have two children home now and my oldest is on his way to see me for Mothers Day. They are my greatest achievement and the most wonderful thing that came out of my marriage.

And while I do not share my thoughts on my personal issues with my boys unless they ask, I do have really terrific friends and family who really love me, support me and have my back. I need not look too far for a shoulder to lean on, someone to make me laugh or to tell me I am capable of anything.

It is not through our wins that we see who supports us, it is through our trials and tribulations. It is very telling who wants to be in your life when you are challenged and who does not. Sometimes this truth hurts, but all necessary in order to fully own the fact that you will never again accept less than what you know you truly deserve. We all deserve more love, not less; don’t ever forget that.

I share this with you so that you understand there is never any reason to accept less than what your soul is yearning for. The journey to self love can be very painful but when you finally reach this destination, you realize the pain you felt all along was really inflicted by yourself. You saw things you wanted to see, not what was actually there and that’s because you sought outside yourself for the love you should have been giving you all along.

Once you reach a level of self-love, you will never settle for less than more, more, and more!

Dare to have more!

Know Your Worth

What is self worth? Is it something we obtain by acquiring material success? Do we measure it by the company we keep? The way others value us?

If you measure self worth by these means, then chances are you probably struggle with it a bit.

You might give your attention to a cause, a sport, a group, an organization looking for the accolades, the acknowledgement, to be seen, heard, honored, respected. You might say its because you want to help or it’s the right things to do, but is it really?

You probably work hard, may even struggle at times with how much you work compared to how much you make. You might work over time, work when people need you to no matter the hour, or when someone calls in sick. The point is you do all this work because you want to be recognized for it. But there is a part of you that might be bitter about why some people seem to work so little and have so much.

You might commit to things you don’t want to do, especially if it is family or work, where you feels it is expected of you. You essentially put the needs of others ahead of yourself over and over again and when all is said and done, someone always says something or does something that makes you feel bad about yourself and you wish you would have stayed at home.

You probably hate criticism or at least that is what it sounds like to you, whenever someone gives you their advice.

You struggle with personal relationships all the time. To the outside world it might look as though everything is hunky dory, but the truth is, you feel like no one really gets you.

Sound familiar? I write this, because I lived it. For many years. I was always the person looking for approval, dreading visits with nasty people and saving animals. But after awhile you get tired of always feeling like no matter what you do it isn’t enough, so you just stop trying.

When I got to a point where I was so utterly broken, so utterly heartbroken, I knew I needed to make changes and this is when Faster EFT found me. It was through this form of therapy that I learned about programs people run and how I had been running one myself.

When I was told that all of the animals I was trying to save were essentially me, I didn’t like the way it sounded. I didn’t feel like I was a person who needed saving, but then when I thought about it, it became painfully obvious that I was.

I reflected on those words for weeks. Since I was a teenager I had been waiting for someone to save me; someone to see my worth. I wanted someone to love me so much, that they would unlock the cage I was in. But the truth is, I put myself there and there was only one love that was going to get me out of it and it was mine.

You see, we can blame others our whole lives and that might work for awhile. But at the end of the day we will still be in the same place. Angry, frustrated, broken, a victim of some kind or form, essentially a dog in a cage at the pound, waiting for someone to come and save us. Wanting someone to pick us above all others.

But as long as we stay there in that vibration, we will find others to save us alright, others to pick us, but they will be exactly as we are; wounded. They may look like a pedigree, but they will still be wounded. Often times their wounds will be far worse than ours and unfortunately, we will suffer the consequence.

You can only ever attract into your life what you think about yourself. This means the way you value yourself. If you do not value yourself, you will attract people who do not value themselves either, so how can they possibly value you?

If you really struggle with self worth, you may even attract an emotionally abusive relationship. This sounds severe, because it is. People don’t give emotional abuse enough attention. It doesn’t leave outward scars, but the internal ones take years if ever to get over. People do not see the damage caused by such abuse, nor do they ever see the true nature of the abuser, which is why it is so utterly impossible for someone to explain it. Their true nature is only ever exposed to those closest to them, to the rest of the world they look like a nice guy/girl.

Common traits of an emotional abuser are an absolute disrespect of your personal boundaries. They only benefit when you don’t have any, so they will get upset when you try to set them. There is no such thing as communication because they see everything as an argument. When you try and discuss your feelings with them you will get the silent treatment. Finances will be used to control and manipulate you. They will guilt or shame you to get what they want. They will not change no matter how much you beg and plead because they don’t see an issue with their actions.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, it is important that you do not blame yourself for attracting this into your life. When you love too much, you can attract someone who does not know how to love at all and you can spend the rest of your life trying to fix them.

We think if we can just love them a little more…give them a little more…show them a little more, they will love us the way we love them. But they won’t. People who are emotionally abusive are so damaged, it doesn’t matter if you are loving them or fighting them, because it’s all attention.

Isn’t it better to give all of that attention to yourself? Your glorious, beautiful nature may have been trampled on in the past, but you have all the power to change it right now.

When you start to love yourself enough, you understand that you do not need anyone to save you, to see you, to want you. You understand that you are enough, that you always have been and you do not need anyone to complete you.

They say you don’t get to pick your family, but if you believe in karma, that’s not true. We pick everybody in our lives due to our beliefs. What do you believe to be true about yourself?

Self worth is not measured by what we acquire out there, it is measured by what we acquire from within. Get to acquiring more love for yourself.

What’s Cookin?

I’m obviously a fan of cooking! My company is called Eighty Sixed It; a common kitchen term used by chefs, and I created 4 decks based around food and people who deal with it.

It occurred to me that one of the reasons I am so drawn to this genre is that it is so incredibly relatable when it comes to life.

When you make a cake you need certain ingredients. If you make a cake without sugar, well, your cake is not going to taste very sweet. If you don’t cook it fully, then you’re cake is half-baked as they say.

Would you eat pasta right out of the box? I guess you could, but it wouldn’t taste so good. You need to follow the instructions on the package, like add a dash of salt to the water and make sure it is boiling.

If you are going all out and making something that takes an extreme amount of effort (like the chinese dumplings my son and I made), you gotta plan what you need ahead of time, because most likely you don’t have rice vinegar and all all of the rolling pins it requires to make the dumplings flat enough, and of course splits of prosecco to keep the chef happy (him not me).

When you think about relationships or work, it’s fascinating how similar creating a recipe and the other things that matter in life require the same ingredients in order for it to be digestible. Every chef must contribute their specialty in order for the meal to come together. If one chef is slacking, the meal will die on the pass (go to shit).

In cooking if we put too much salt in, the meal will taste horrible. Not enough and our meal is tasteless. The same can be said about butter. Is there ever too much butter? The answer is no.

So if we think about life in accordance with recipes, we would ask the following. Are you giving too much to something? Putting in all of the effort, adding this, tweaking that and still feeling like you are coming up short? Is what you are giving all of this effort to giving you something in return?

Most of us will probably feel as though we are master chefs, like Gordon Ramsey (without the yelling); giving all of our time and attention to shoemakers (A derogotory term for cooks who burn everything) and that they have shown us that they are incapable of cutting the mustard, let alone adding anything to our recipe.

This was my aha moment over the past week. Thanks to my brother in-law Eric for pointing this out to me when I asked his advice on my acting career. (I recently had the pleasure of slipping away with him and my fabulous sister for a long weekend).

His words: “Stop caring! Care less!”

I translated this to give less. If I see someone or an opportunity meeting me at the same level of the energy which I am giving, then I will give more. But until someone or something is bringing an ingredient to add to my recipe, they get only the recipe and nothing more.

They don’t get the extras! The way I add the little bits of this and that. The way I tweak something to make it more special. And they certainly don’t get my recipe card with all of the special notes, because I like to keep those close.

People are only capable of giving you what they feel worthy of themselves. You will never change anyone. Ever! They aren’t ever going to be able to give you the truffle salt, when all they know is Mortons.

You are the truffle salt! So stop giving to Mortons! There is no need to keep shopping in a deli, when you have elevated yourself vibrationally to a Balduccis.

Let people meet you at your energetic level. Do not keep lowering your vibration and ruining your recipe, by meeting people at theirs. You are perfectly perfect just the way you are, so why ruin what you have worked so hard to create, by sharing it with people who can’t even begin to understand all of the effort you have put in.

Keep cookin! Just don’t share your fabulous meals with people who don’t even understand your ingredients.

Let It Flow

How open are you to change? Are you loosey goosey to it? Willing to dip one toe in the pool or the whole foot? Or maybe you’re too rigid to change anything. In that case, you’re nowhere near the water!

Being in the flow is super easy; it’s where we allow instead of control. This simply means we wake up, may have our schedule, but if something takes us off course, we understand that we are being directed elsewhere for our highest good. Acceptance of this is the key to our happiness.

When people don’t go with the flow and are so set on staying in control, they miss out on all of the wonderful things that life is trying to bring them. It’s really interesting to observe people who are very controlled. It’s almost painful to see how routined they are. In there quest to stay in control of everything, they essentially become controlled because they are no longer living life due to their conviction of calculating their every move. How exhausting! I’m tired just writing that.

Letting go of outcomes and going with the flow is very empowering. But if I were to tell this to a person who is always in control, they would say the exact opposite. The real truth about control, is that it is an illusion. There is no control. You cannot control anything!

The more you go within and change your perceptions of people and understand that most of us are just repeating patterns and programs from our childhood, the less you feel the need to try and control anything. You understand that people are just playing out their own insecurities and they seldom, if ever, have anything to do with you.

The ironic thing about control is that when we are so committed to one path, life has a way of sending us what is called a “tower moment” so that we can be put on another one. These tower moments are generally pretty awful, but if you look at it from a higher perspective, you see that you had plenty of notices beforehand, you just chose to ignore them because you were too busy controlling how things were supposed to go according to your plan. You see, no matter how great we think our best-laid plans are, life will step in and say, “I have a better one! Trust me!”

Since I have been going with the flow I have created more abundance in my life. I don’t push for outcomes or results or have any expectations, especially of other people. I have learned to be my best advocate. All of the love, the acceptance and joy I once sought out there, I now find within.

This new way of living allows me to wake up every day with excitement. It’s like Christmas as a kid every day. I try and keep to my morning routine as best I can and then allow the rest of the day to unfold. I might have a list of things I would like to do, but when I allow for anything and everything, I usually have a pretty remarkable day.

This is called being in the flow and it is when we can magnetize anything! So if you want to be a money magnet, a love magnet or any other kind of magnet, you have to allow yourself to be in the flow. How can something wonderful even fit into your life, if you are always controlling every aspect of your day?

Be in control or don’t. I’ll be over here going with the flow cause that’s where all the magic is!

Toxic Love

Photo by Davide Baraldi on Pexels.com

an intense feeling of deep affection. a great interest and pleasure in something.

Love is an emotion that can be expressed so differently, depending on the way a person was raised, how they were taught to believe what love was and what it wasn’t, and how it was shown to them when they were a child.

Apparently we all have a love language. There are five, according to Gary Chapman. But this post isn’t about love languages, it’s about love. The toxic kind. 

Some people say they love you, like my father does, but it feels nothing even remotely close to love. In fact, it’s like sitting down for a meal with every food you can imagine, only to leave the table hungry.

He calls once a quarter, which leads me to believe I’m some reminder on his google calendar. If he gets my voicemail he will leave a message like we just spoke yesterday and he’s in the know, even though he doesn’t know a thing about what I am up to.

I always try and return his call but always get his voicemail, even if he just called 5 minutes before. At least I think it’s his voicemail, but it’s not his voice, so its a bit awkward leaving a message. Who doesn’t have their voice on their voice mail? It’s ridiculous!

Sometimes he texts. Usually some rendition of what he deems a heart felt message showing concern. I’ll text back and then that’s it. Apparently the quarter check in only allots for one text as well, so going back and forth and having a conversation, even via text, is out of the question.

My father’s love, while genuine by his standards, has always left me feeling empty. I remember sobbing to him one time and saying, “Why can’t you love me?” He looked at me as though I had three heads and said, “I do love you. I adore you. You’re one of my favorite people in the world.” He did try to show me his love, even bought me an expensive necklace one time that said, “Special” but that wasn’t what I wanted. What I wanted was for him to play tennis with me and not ask me to “keep the peace” when I was sad or angry at something mean his new wife had said to me.

My mother divorced him over his particular love language, which by the way, none of us speak. There are roughly 6,500 languages spoken in the world, but I couldn’t find one called Wanting. 

In addition to the non available type of love as in the case of my father, here are a few more ways in which we misinterpret dysfunctional love for the real thing, if we haven’t worked on ourselves to heal.

There’s the type of love where someone gives for the sake of receiving. A game of tit for tat if you will. They don’t give you love for the joy of it, they give you love with a condition attached to it. And you better be ready to reciprocate or they will pout. You’ll always be exhausted in this relationship because your job is to make them happy because they are incapable of doing so themselves.

The most toxic love is the controlling kind. At first it might seem as though they are really into you. Love bomb you with gifts and attention, then they’ll throw you off guard by suddenly ignoring you which makes you wonder what you did wrong. They might accuse you of flirting with someone or cheating on them, when they are the ones doing it.  They may even put you down, correct you or tell you they have no idea what you’re talking about, even though they do. They also like to tell half truths as it’s their only form of communication. When all is said and done, they care far more about what the outside world thinks of them than you.  If you recognize any of this, you’re being gas lighted which creates co-dependence.

And then there’s the people who withhold love. They run in the opposite direction the minute they feel anything at all. Obviously someone hurt them and they refuse to be hurt again, but they fail to realize they are only hurting themselves by doing this. It matters not to them how you feel, only that they don’t want to feel at all, but you have no way of knowing this until they are dust in the wind.

Perhaps in your life you have attracted one of those types or a combination of all of them. Before you get too upset with yourself and feel like there’s no hope, you need to understand why so that you can meet someone who is worthy of your love, instead of someone who disregards it.

Remember…wherever you are energetically, meaning how you feel about yourself, is where another meets you. If you feel unworthy, you will meet someone who feels worse and they will treat you like shit.

You may be in a situation where it seems impossible to change anything, and that may be true, but you can always change the way you respond to another person.

There are tons of resources on YouTube that are free. If you feel that you are being beaten down by someone, look up videos on Narcissists. See the link at the bottom of this post for a site I found really helpful. 

You have to start somewhere in order to heal yourself, and often times just watching a video and realizing what is being done to you, is a step towards healing. 

Trust me when I tell you, learning the truth isn’t always easy, but it is far better than living in denial and pain. When you start to realize why and how you have attracted mean men and women into your life, you will understand how to stop it. 

 You are your greatest love. You do not need the validation of anyone else. So in case no one has told you, here goes: you are lovable, you are worthy, you are divine! You really are all that and a bag of chips…even the kettle cooked kind!

Now go shine those glass slippers Cinderella and get your horse ready, it’s time for you to ride into your bright new future. There really is such a thing as fairy tales! But only when you love yourself enough to know you are worthy of one.