I’ve been saying I’m sorry since I was 12. Probably longer actually. Sorry for this, sorry for that. I didn’t even know why I was saying I was sorry, I just knew it was expected of me, so I did it, else I would be ignored.
Even now I still find myself saying I am sorry, even when I don’t know what I have done wrong. But I am also keenly aware of the fact that if I do not say sorry, then it will cost me relationships.
This love with conditions has hindered my and my relationships for most of my life. Even when I feel completely broken and down-trodden, I find myself apologizing for feeling that way, in order to keep people in my life.
I was taught, conditioned rather, that in order to get someone’s love, you had to hold back everything you felt. To “keep the peace” if you will. I wasn’t allowed to have emotions or a voice, so you can imagine how well it has gone over since I found a voice and refuse to play by these rules any longer.
It’s a rather strange dynamic when you stop playing by these unspoken rules. Those who still adhere to them rally around one another and find fault with anyone who doesn’t. People who play the victim and take no responsibility for their actions (no matter how heinous), will always find people to validate their feelings. It’s called co-dependency. There is no growth in co-dependence, only more judgement and ridicule of others.
I find it rather interesting that people who need to say they are sorry, seldom do. Is it because they don’t feel like they have done anything wrong or is because they know they have and admitting so would take them down a rabbit hole they may never surface from, so blaming others and projecting all of that unhealed stuff onto sensitive people is easier.
If you are sensitive, people who never say they are sorry know this. They also know exactly what buttons to push to make you feel bad, too. I mean, if you have been the punching bag your whole life and it has made others feel better, why would they stop punching you now.
They won’t, unless you make them. In order to do this, you have to stop saying you are sorry for their ill treatment of you. Sometimes setting boundaries with people is the only thing you can do, especially with those who take no accountability.
Think about what you are saying sorry for the next time you feel like you should say it. Is it authentic or is it conditioning in order to gain someone’s love? Remember, unconditional love has no conditions, love with them is overwrought with manipulation and control.