If you are playing the same records, please break them!

If you are a person who keeps playing the same record over and over again, then how can you possibly expect anything to change in your life?

You can’t! And maybe you don’t want change. Maybe you are a person who runs from it. Maybe you continue to do the same things to people and to yourself and yet you still aren’t happy. I mean, it’s easy to blame others for your misery, but…

In order to change the record, you have to change yourself. Yet, so few of us are willing to do this. We would rather throw the blame on someone else, then to take any kind of accountability whatsoever.

I am literally in awe of how people do this. It is a complete injustice to those who are being blamed. You cannot even imagine that it’s real, because its such a mind fuck that someone would stoop to such a level, especially when they proclaimed to have loved you at one point.

But if they haven’t changed the record, they are simply perpetuating it, because it is what they were taught to do.

Records are meant to be broken, they aren’t meant to be repeated or stay the same. We all watch the Olympics hoping for new records, but sadly, in our personal lives, we do nothing at all about making changes or doing better… we simply repeat what we were brought up with.

I am a person who saves bugs from my pool. I’m actually relieved that I am selling my home for this one reason alone. It’s exhausting and a full time job, but one I take very seriously. I find it a complete injustice when a bug falls into it and can’t escape, so I go out there very morning and throughout the day, looking for bugs to save. I also water the birds at least three times a day because the water gets hot. I also save worms from the sidewalk after a storm and give to the three generations of kids that have come through my neighborhood selling chocolate bars for Big Brothers. The first guy who came through when I first moved in told everyone afterwards that I was a nice lady and would do so. I have taught my children these lessons of life and how important it is to honor nature and other people in need. It is what has always made me, me.

So when my youngest told me today that his father said that he had been brainwashed against him, I literally burst into tears. First of all, my three boys are independent thinkers and pride themselves on speaking their truth. This apparent slight meant to question my character, was one they took very personally, and it didn’t land the way he had hoped it would.

The injustice I feel cannot be expressed into words. I’m like one of the bugs floating in my pool, but no one is coming to save me. It’s just me, once again, having to save myself and my children from the grief, the frustration, the questions that have no answers and the outright injustice that we all feel.

We are morning the loss of our home, our family, and our dog. I spent 22 years with this person, only to have him question my honor, my integrity, my heart and to not only have him try and disparage me to my own children, he does this to anyone who will give him an ear. Why do people listen to such vitriol? Why doesn’t someone question how he spent so much time with a person, that he now finds lacking?

I’m the person who saves bugs from a pool! And I can promise you, that I will never do this to him. I have no reason to. I am saddened by all of it and wish it would have turned out differently.

If you’re a person playing the same record, then break it already! It’s not working for you. You can only be the victim of your story for so long. At some point, if you want a loving and lasting relationship and to be happy, you have to take accountability. Otherwise, you’re just some schmuck playing broken records. And people who know their worth, have no time for that.

Heartbreak

crushing grief, anguish, or distress

I love a synchronicity! The card I pulled today was about unseen pain. This song is all about that. Most of us have felt heartbreak. If you haven’t, than you haven’t opened your heart to someone.

An open heart is amazing! We feel like we are on top of the world. We’re giddy, overjoyed, walk with a spring in our step and feel an inner smile that comes across our face at the mere thought of someone.

And then one day it’s like you were looking out one window at this beautiful valley with a stream and birds flying above. A rainbow was even over the horizon! But then after time, you take a look out that window and you see that the landscape has changed. You’re now looking at a junkyard. Or, if you like food, it’s as though you thought you ordered chicken soup with carrots, celery and noodles and you’re sitting with bone broth.

Heartbreak is never sudden. You can say, “I had no idea” all you want, but that’s because you don’t want to accept what you are seeing. Our heart feels the pit. It knows, but our minds refuse to believe that we opened our hearts to bone broth or a junkyard.

In it’s simplest form, heartbreak is disappointment. In relationships, if there are more disappointments then not, the heartbreak is inevitable.

This song reminds me of a friend I met with the other day. Make-up and hair are always perfect, she has great taste and style and she’s always smiling. But as she started to talk to me about the relationship with her husband and the deep sadness she felt, the tears just flowed down her face.

She said she had very few people to talk to about him. She was embarrassed and had a hard time facing the truth about him. I said I wouldn’t judge, so she started to tell me about the lies. She felt like she was going crazy. She asked him things and we would lie. Silly things. And then bigger ones where she had the proof and yet he still lied. She said every conversation to try and work on things turned into an argument.

For me, one lie is one too many, and if your partner lies about things that are not worth of lying about, or insists on telling you that you’re wrong and continues to gaslight you, then you know they are doing far more insidious things.

As she spoke I felt sick to my stomach. It was not up to me to tell her that he was a covert narcissist. These people are text book and as she told me all of things that he has done to her, I knew he was one. You cannot change one because they don’t think they need to change. What you can do, is change yourself. What I could do for her, was listen.

It can be really hard to listen to people you care about and their pain. You just want to help them, but you know that everyone needs to get to that place of seeing what is really outside that window, not what they thought they saw, on their own, in order to truly heal.

Most of us feel like we can’t confide in someone about out heartbreak. We are afraid they will judge us, we think they won’t understand or maybe we have talked too much about it and now those we share information with are sick of hearing of it.

So…maybe we go home and cut our hair with rusty kitchen scissors, scream at the top of our lungs, or drink ourselves into a coma. But then the next day we rise and shine and put on our face that says we’ve got it all going on. Until we go back home and repeat the cycle, sans the scissors this time.

Heartbreak sucks, but so necessary if we are to move on to a better place with better people who are far more worthy of our time.

For me, one lie is one too many

While our hearts might be breaking, we realize it is not from what we lost, it is from what we never had. That is real heartbreak.

So while we heal, we can still put on that lipstick and pretend we are okay until we actually are. Here’s to looking good! Even when you’re falling apart!

Are You Working It?

Several years ago I knew a girl who used to say, “You better work” all the time. We decided to be roommates in Manhattan after we finished school in Dallas. I barely knew her, but she seemed very demure and let’s face it, not too many people are willing to move to the big city from Texas.

Shortly after I had sold everything I owned and moved in with her, I became privy to her lifestyle. She met trainers constantly, was always flying somewhere or going out until all hours of the morning at private clubs or parties and shopped on Madison Avenue constantly. I didn’t understand how she could afford to do all that, since I never saw her go to work.

Hanging out with her was rare, due to my schedule at work and her lack of one. Also the financial difference was a problem. I made assistants pay and she seemed to have an endless supply. She wasn’t one to offer to pay or help you out, as money was something she coveted as much as I did her shoes, but every now and then she would be generous and offer.

This would entail a night out. She always invited me because she said I had good sense and would tell her when it was time to leave. It was seldom that I went, but when I did, the evening would always be something out of a movie.

Velvet hot pants and Karl Lagerfeld pumps were the name of the game, so while she helped herself to my clothes, I helped myself to hers. You thought the hot pants were hers? The pumps were, but those hot pants were mine and she loved to wear them. And the men loved to see her in them! Oh my God! They would get neck lash from staring at her.

There was no place that she didn’t feel at home at. She would direct the cabbie to a hot spot with a line going around a building and proceed to walk to the front, flash a coquettish smile to the bouncer and we were in. I would say, “there’a line of people, we can’t just cut.”

Lines were for losers (her words not mine), only an idiot would pay for their own drink (also her words) and if some poor unsuspecting guy happened upon her who wasn’t wearing what she deemed suitable attire, she simply looked at him and said, “I’m so not impressed” and he would walk away shamed probably never approaching a woman again.

She had an energy about her that was off the charts confident and equally chaotic. If there was drama going on, she was the director. One night she called me from an after hours place and asked me to come and get her; that meant take a cab and escort her home. I obliged. I knew she had no one else to count on, despite the fact that she had many acquaintances, many admirers, many hanger-on-ers.

When I got there she had a broken nose. The people in the place wanted to go home but she was frenetic as one could only imagine, and was in shock. They only wanted to be rid of her. I calmed her down and wiped her face of the blood. She was distraught and scared to death of what the break might do to her looks. She told me that she had called some guy a loser who had been sitting with her and some girl because he expected them to pay for his drinks.

I once questioned her safety with the choices she made, especially the mouthing off to men, to which she replied, “I pity the f-er who ever crosses me!” I admired this about her. She called it knowing her worth. She said I didn’t know mine. That I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted or required. I didn’t agree at the time and was upset about it. She didn’t care. Her words were her currency and she had a lot of them, and it, because she never stopped speaking her truth.

I stayed for almost a year being an apprentice at a bougie salon to a complete prima donna and decided to return to Dallas with the knowledge I had gained. I worked there for many years and we lost touch. It wasn’t until I was returning to Manhattan to open a new salon that we reconnected for a brief moment.

She told me that she was returning to Arizona where she was originally from. She said she was going to become a teacher. I wondered how a person who worked it could ever possibly work, but as she sat there packing her bags and talking about how tired she had become of working it with people who didn’t know their worth, I could see that she was ready to go to work and wished her well.

My old friend may have known how to work it, but in the moments where we were together in our one room at the women’s home, she showed me a vulnerable side to her that no one else ever saw. She treated waiters with kindness and cabbies too and had a keen sense of when others did not. She watched people; observed them like they were some species under a microscope. More importantly, she knew who valued themselves and who did not.

She was right about me. Back then I didn’t know my worth. I settled over and over again for less than what I was worth. I accepted crumbs, disrespect and disregard time and time again. She knew her worth so well, that men who didn’t know theirs, would be willing to do just about anything for a moment with her. It’s how she was able to see this flaw in me; the one who would accept the unacceptable in hopes that it would lead to more.

We’ve all seen people who accept the unacceptable. I saw this recently when I was in Florida. There was a young woman, probably 24, sitting with an older gentleman, probably 50 by the pool. She kept taking selfies and ordering things from the waiter, and entertaining herself as though he was’t even there. She would hand him her drink as she snapped away and then swam to the other side of the pool and threw him a bone, as she spread her legs poolside, taking more photos. She wanted people to notice her and I gather he did too. The pool was quiet and elegant and she had no respect for anyone around her, not even the families with children. It was such a spectacle! I felt sorry for him.

At some point you gotta ask yourself: Is this enough for me? Am I willing to keep making choices that cost me my self esteem? Am I willing to keep spending time with people who only measure my worth by what I am doing for them or what I am giving them? Or do I love myself enough to want more? Do I love myself enough to know I deserve more? That maybe, just maybe, there is somebody out there that will tick all the boxes for me, but maybe in order to have that, I need to tick them myself.

If we are working it; meaning putting on a mask, pretending to be all that, bringing a player vibe, then we will get exactly what we are being; transactional. But if you are working on it; meaning yourself with all your issues, then you won’t require anything from anyone because you can give it all to yourself.

Waiting for someone to save you, to see your worth, validate you, make you feel special, or to fill a void, are sure signs that you’re working it. Because when you’re working on it, you don’t have to pretend anymore. You just get to be you.

So, are you working it or working on it? Because one is a whole lot more empowering than the other.

Know Your Worth

What is self worth? Is it something we obtain by acquiring material success? Do we measure it by the company we keep? The way others value us?

If you measure self worth by these means, then chances are you probably struggle with it a bit.

You might give your attention to a cause, a sport, a group, an organization looking for the accolades, the acknowledgement, to be seen, heard, honored, respected. You might say its because you want to help or it’s the right things to do, but is it really?

You probably work hard, may even struggle at times with how much you work compared to how much you make. You might work over time, work when people need you to no matter the hour, or when someone calls in sick. The point is you do all this work because you want to be recognized for it. But there is a part of you that might be bitter about why some people seem to work so little and have so much.

You might commit to things you don’t want to do, especially if it is family or work, where you feels it is expected of you. You essentially put the needs of others ahead of yourself over and over again and when all is said and done, someone always says something or does something that makes you feel bad about yourself and you wish you would have stayed at home.

You probably hate criticism or at least that is what it sounds like to you, whenever someone gives you their advice.

You struggle with personal relationships all the time. To the outside world it might look as though everything is hunky dory, but the truth is, you feel like no one really gets you.

Sound familiar? I write this, because I lived it. For many years. I was always the person looking for approval, dreading visits with nasty people and saving animals. But after awhile you get tired of always feeling like no matter what you do it isn’t enough, so you just stop trying.

When I got to a point where I was so utterly broken, so utterly heartbroken, I knew I needed to make changes and this is when Faster EFT found me. It was through this form of therapy that I learned about programs people run and how I had been running one myself.

When I was told that all of the animals I was trying to save were essentially me, I didn’t like the way it sounded. I didn’t feel like I was a person who needed saving, but then when I thought about it, it became painfully obvious that I was.

I reflected on those words for weeks. Since I was a teenager I had been waiting for someone to save me; someone to see my worth. I wanted someone to love me so much, that they would unlock the cage I was in. But the truth is, I put myself there and there was only one love that was going to get me out of it and it was mine.

You see, we can blame others our whole lives and that might work for awhile. But at the end of the day we will still be in the same place. Angry, frustrated, broken, a victim of some kind or form, essentially a dog in a cage at the pound, waiting for someone to come and save us. Wanting someone to pick us above all others.

But as long as we stay there in that vibration, we will find others to save us alright, others to pick us, but they will be exactly as we are; wounded. They may look like a pedigree, but they will still be wounded. Often times their wounds will be far worse than ours and unfortunately, we will suffer the consequence.

You can only ever attract into your life what you think about yourself. This means the way you value yourself. If you do not value yourself, you will attract people who do not value themselves either, so how can they possibly value you?

If you really struggle with self worth, you may even attract an emotionally abusive relationship. This sounds severe, because it is. People don’t give emotional abuse enough attention. It doesn’t leave outward scars, but the internal ones take years if ever to get over. People do not see the damage caused by such abuse, nor do they ever see the true nature of the abuser, which is why it is so utterly impossible for someone to explain it. Their true nature is only ever exposed to those closest to them, to the rest of the world they look like a nice guy/girl.

Common traits of an emotional abuser are an absolute disrespect of your personal boundaries. They only benefit when you don’t have any, so they will get upset when you try to set them. There is no such thing as communication because they see everything as an argument. When you try and discuss your feelings with them you will get the silent treatment. Finances will be used to control and manipulate you. They will guilt or shame you to get what they want. They will not change no matter how much you beg and plead because they don’t see an issue with their actions.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, it is important that you do not blame yourself for attracting this into your life. When you love too much, you can attract someone who does not know how to love at all and you can spend the rest of your life trying to fix them.

We think if we can just love them a little more…give them a little more…show them a little more, they will love us the way we love them. But they won’t. People who are emotionally abusive are so damaged, it doesn’t matter if you are loving them or fighting them, because it’s all attention.

Isn’t it better to give all of that attention to yourself? Your glorious, beautiful nature may have been trampled on in the past, but you have all the power to change it right now.

When you start to love yourself enough, you understand that you do not need anyone to save you, to see you, to want you. You understand that you are enough, that you always have been and you do not need anyone to complete you.

They say you don’t get to pick your family, but if you believe in karma, that’s not true. We pick everybody in our lives due to our beliefs. What do you believe to be true about yourself?

Self worth is not measured by what we acquire out there, it is measured by what we acquire from within. Get to acquiring more love for yourself.

Love

Can we define love with words or is it merely something we just feel?

I might say I love you, but do I really mean it? Do my actions show it?

For me, love is actions. Words are just words. Sure, they can help heal and they can seemingly lift someone up, but if there are no actions or sincerity behind the words, then they can hurt, because they are empty.

Love gives credit where credit is due, it doesn’t take the credit when it had nothing to do with it.

Love honors those in it’s life, it doesn’t dishonor or disparage them.

Love is constant, not ever-changing, depending on who is in the room.

Love is a problem solver, not a creator of them.

Love sets about making changes when someone isn’t happy, it doesn’t press the reset button and pretend all is well.

Love is having someone’s back, not stabbing them in it.

Love has its own words, it doesn’t need to take anyone else’s.

Love is authentic, it’s not a charlatan.

Love is talking someone up, not talking down to them.

Love is generous, because the opposite is stingy, and love doesn’t know how to do that.

Love is unconditional, not overwrought with them.

Love is constant, not lukewarm, cold or calculating.

Love is too busy guarding those it loves to be guarded.

Love is free, so there is no need to worry that are you ever giving too much of it, unless you are not getting it in return.

Love listens with an attentive ear, it doesn’t pretend it didn’t hear you.

Love protects the people in it’s life, it doesn’t hurt them.

Love treats you with respect because it demands the same for itself.

Love is truthful, not filled with half truths or outright lies.

Love keeps its promises, it doesn’t break them.

Love meets you half way, because there is no other distance.

Love is selfless, not self-serving.

Love is being empathetic, not narcissistic.

Love knows when it is loved because it is a feeling of utter joy, contentment and total acceptance of what it is. Anything that pretends to be otherwise, is control.

Love is the most beautiful emotion in the world. Love does everything for everyone, no matter who they are, what they are, what they do for a living, how much money they make or what they look like.

When you live without love you suffer. For some of us it is not by choice. We may have thought we met someone who loved us, only to realize it was never really love, it was something far more insidious.

We may have been hurt by them so deeply, we don’t know if we will ever recover. We may even blame ourselves for allowing them into our lives. How could we have been so fooled? How could we have been so wrong?

The answer is simple once you figure it out, but it doesn’t come without pain. It’s a horrible and cruel lesson to be sure. But one that is necessary if you want the kind of love I just described.You have to love yourself first. You cannot look outside of yourself for love, because you will only attract people who love themselves even less; in a word, they are called narcissists.

So here’s to Love! May we all experience the fairy tale love that Disney movies are made of. Cause if you’re reading this, you deserve it! Remember, it all starts with you loving you!

Blinded by the Lights

Every so often a person comes along in our lives and we feel an ignition in our hearts. An engagement of sorts, where we pause and say, “Hold the phone! What the heck is this I am feeling?” It could be where your eyes meet and its as though no one else is around. Like you get lost in time when they speak to you. Or maybe they touch your arm or hand and you feel a wave of energy pass through your body. Some people call this a Twin Flame connection, but I like to think of it as your souls recognition of another soul it has met before, like in another life time.

Somehow through all of your adventures, all of the places you have lived and all of the people who may have dated or even married, you meet this person and it never seems to be under the right circumstance.

This connection is so rare, you cannot explain to anyone how you feel or what is happening to you because it is not logical. You might have dreams about this person, see their name everywhere to alert you to the connection and yet you cannot logically understand why you are being drawn to them. But your soul knows something you don’t and so you just trust the feelings because ignoring them doesn’t work.

We all search for what we call “the one” and can’t seem to find it, him, her, anywhere. We might date a hundred people, be on every dating website there is, and still they elude us.

Sometimes we get in a committed relationship like marriage with who we think is our souls calling, only to find out that person was a wake up call to our soul alright, but to alert us that we loved ourselves so little, we put someone else’s needs ahead of our own and wound up feeling discarded, abandoned and sometimes even abused. It seems the more of the initial chemistry we have with someone, which we translate to great sex, the more we have unhealed childhood wounds. And once the sex becomes transactional, much like the person we have committed to, the relationship is doomed.

Chemistry and your souls calling are not the same. Chemistry is short lived, like an experiment in a lab. If you mix two wrong ingredients together there could be an explosion, pretty much like a couple that gets to the point where they despise one another and do heinous things they never thought possible.

But when you do meet “the one” you are so blinded by the lights, or your ego which tries to talk you out of it, that you give up on this rare connection because the person you have been praying for, doesn’t fit the mold. They aren’t your type, they have a job you don’t approve of, a family that’s crazy, the list goes on and on. The ego is very savvy and will give you list upon list as to why something won’t ever work.

But love in its purest form, is home with another person. It is safety, stability and never having to question what the other person is doing because they have given you no reason to not trust them. This soul connection stays with you no matter how hard you try to out run it and it begs you to ask yourself one simple question, “What am I so afraid of?”

As the year comes to a close, perhaps you will take a moment and think about all of the people you know. Is there someone you may have taken for granted, cast aside or completely ignored, that maybe needs another look. Have you been so blinded by your ideal image of what your partner looks like or does for a living, that you have discounted someone who could be your forever happy?

This is a great time to do an inventory of the people in our lives. The habits we have been keeping, the people we have been keeping company with and the things that didn’t serve us for the past year. I like to write everything down on a piece of paper and throw it in a fire as I jump over it, symbolizing my letting go of what no longer serves me and what I do not care to bring with me in the new year.

Whatever your traditions are on New Years, make one of them where you will give everyone who wants to give you a chance, a chance in return. You never know! Everyone is worth at least five minutes of your time.

Don’t be the person who says, “I should have, I could have, I would have, blah blah blah!” And for God’s sake, don’t be afraid to be in love.