The Jig is Up

the scheme or deception is revealed or foiled. used to say that a dishonest plan or activity has been discovered and will not be allowed to continue.

This saying has been around forever, like since the Elizabethan era which was from 1558-1603. And yet, still so valid today.

We also know the jig as a dance. A lot of people would prefer to dance with the devil they know (no matter how much their feet keep getting stomped on), then the one they don’t.

A lot of us will carry baggage that isn’t ours, change things we may not want to, resist a new beginning, struggle with everything, lose money, feel like we are losing our minds; all so we can hold on to a person who is doing absolutely nothing for us, but a whole lot of bad stuff to us.

People around us can see us suffering, sad and exhausted, but we hold on for dear life fearing change, not wanting to see our partner for who they really are and how miserable we are with them. Instead, we cling to what we thought they were and look the other way to all of the wrong doing being done around us.

How many times have you been around couples and they bicker right in front of you? Or, you witness one of them talking while the other ignores them? At dinner they are both on their phones. Sex is a chore and neither one of them enjoy it. One of them berates the other in public. One of them cheats. One of them is a pathological liar.

When is the jig up for these people? How long are they going to continue in a relationship that is unhealthy? You gotta wonder. At the end of the day though, it’s not up to us to decide this for them, they have to decide for themselves when the jig is up and unfortunately it usually comes when things get really bad between two people.

People fear the unknown, which is why they stay, but ironically they already know on some level things aren’t right, so there really is no unknown. The pit in the stomach, the mistrust, the deception, the lies, the constant state of unrest, the instability, the insecurity…you can turn a blind eye for awhile, but eventually there will be one thing you can’t ignore.

Sadly, both people are doing the other one a disservice. When its time to let go, its time. It should be done with dignity and grace for the wonderful moments you shared together, not the ugliness that ensues because things drag on way beyond their expiration and someone doesn’t get their way.

I don’t know when the jig will be up for people still clinging to a lie, but it will most definitely be a tower moment that could have been avoided, had they only honored one another sooner. The jig was up for me with a piece of mail, but the tower had taken many blows before it arrived.

A marriage with no trust, is no marriage. A marriage where communication is seen as an argument is no partnership. A a marriage with no stability or security is not an environment that is healthy for anyone. And a marriage without love is heartbreaking and lonely.

The hardest part in any relationship is knowing its over. We all want to believe that the person we committed to is our forever, but if someone isn’t growing with you its not going to work. When a person loves you they will do anything to keep you, not fight you at every turn. And sadly, sometimes the devil we thought we knew, winds up being someone we never really knew at all.

The world needs more love and compassion, not less. Know when the jig is up and honor your partner with the truth. Holding on for selfish reasons does nothing for anyone involved.

Where Are You Swimming and Who is it With?

“A shark in a fish tank will grow 8 inches, but in the ocean it will grow to 8 feet or more. The shark will never outgrow its environment and the same is true about you. Many times we’re around small thinking people so we don’t grow. Change your environment and watch your growth.”

It’s pretty scary to stand on the shore of the ocean and think about diving in and swimming all by yourself. It’s mysterious, beautiful, haunting, inviting and intimidating all at once.

We might be a bit intimidated by the enormity of it, but a shark thinks nothing of swimming there. It knows it thrives there and that it is at home.

But what of people who have outgrown their environment and the people in it? Where do they go? What do they do? It’s a real predicament because while they have become conditioned to swimming in a bowl, they know if they stay there, all that they desire and dream about will never be obtained. You see, it is impossible to dream big in an environment and with people who dream small.

People who fear this change will remain in the bowl, no matter how uncomfortable or unhappy they are. But those brave souls who feel called to do more and be more, know they have no choice but to leave because staying in the bowl is keeping them small when they have the potential to be really big.

If you have outgrown your environment or the people in it, you know you can no longer swim in the bowl. This is going to greatly upset those in the bowl who are content with the way things are. There will be questioning, backlash, and many attempts to make you feel guilty or responsible for them somehow, just to keep you in the bowl. This is by design.

Have you ever noticed that when you are doing well, someone comes along and distracts you? I recently heard this brilliant woman who has an Instagram account called, “The Quietest Revolution” explain it like this: one of the easiest ways to get someone to consistently and constantly fail, is to distract them. Who is always distracting you when you are doing well? I bet it’s someone swimming in the bowl that you have outgrown.

Love with conditions wants to keep you in a bowl you’ve outgrown. Love without them wants you to keep swimming and actually encourages you to. Love without conditions is not bothered by the changes in you, they are intrigued and maybe even inspired to do the same.

So if you currently find yourself standing at the edge of the ocean right now, with no one by your side, you must have gone through some pretty tough stuff. And while others may question what you are doing or try and stop you, you feel a sense of calm and you no longer feel the need to explain yourself to anyone.

This is freedom. Freedom from caring what others think and knowing that anyone who really loves you wants what is best for you, not what keeps them feeling comfortable.

You are not here to play small. And staying in the bowl with people who are threatened by your playing big is not only doing yourself a disservice, it is doing them and the world one as well.

So go ahead…dive into that ocean! Allow yourself to swim without barriers, boundaries and restrictions and watch with wonder where it takes you.

Truth

Nietzsche said that a man’s worth was determined by how much truth he could tolerate. So if we think about this in terms of personal relationships, how much truth can you tolerate when it comes to them?

I guess a simple way to measure this would be by how much you allow others to speak their truth to you.

If someone has something to say to you and you don’t want to hear it, maybe even refuse to hear it, become hostile, argumentative or ignore them when they try to express themselves to you in an effort to improve the relationship, then according to Nietzsche, because you cannot tolerate their truth, even though it may not be yours, you are not worth that much.

But what of the person trying to speak their truth to someone who does not want to hear it? What is their worth? Are they worth more or less?

I mean in reality we obviously know that no one is worth more or less, but we are talking about Nietzsche’s quote here and how much truth we will tolerate in our relationships.

The more you value yourself, the less you need approval from others. And while you may want to speak your truth to those you care about so that they can understand where you are coming from, if they are incapable of hearing, seeing or accepting the truth, they will simply refuse to hear you. Their truth will be that you are difficult, while your truth will be heartbreak, because you are so misunderstood.

So speaking your truth to those who refuse to hear it or see it, will essentially make you feel like you are worth less. Hurt people hurt people and are incapable of seeing their worth, which is why they do not see yours. Staying involved with them will keep you in a constant state of struggle because you are wanting to be seen and heard by people who cannot see or hear themselves, so your words and attempts at trying to express yourself and your truth will be seen as acrimonious.

Part of growing, evolving and loving yourself is knowing who to share your truth with and who not to. Some people would rather live a lie than live the truth and real healing comes when you understand this about others and simply move away from them.

Most people don’t want the truth. They just want the constant reassurance that what they believe is the truth, which is why they surround themselves with people who operate the same way. Taking no accountability is a tell tale sign that you cannot tolerate truth in any relationship, which means anyone who tries to speak it to you, will be met with rejection.

For the person on the receiving end it won’t feel good, but sooner or later they realize that rejection is actually protection from something or someone who could only continue to harm them, and they will move in another direction.

How much truth can you tolerate? Look at your closest relationships for the answer. If you feel like something or someone is missing, then you haven’t tolerated a truth or been able to express one.