Thoughts

Un-breaking Your Heart

If you want a yin to your yang, you gotta un-break your own heart first. If you do not, then you will continue to attract people into your life who will break your heart instead of love it.

When you go through a transformation in your life, you want people around you who have maybe had the same experience as you, people who will support you, have your back and just listen as you look for answers to questions that don’t have any.

And while you may be going through your stuff, some people you reach out to via text, phone call, email, pony, whatever that is for you, may not reciprocate in the way you had hoped or wanted. This is a clear indicator that you have unhealed stuff.

And while you may have thought you were done with accepting less than what you deserve, every now and then you need to be reminded of just how little you accepted in the first place, so that you can never do this again. Once you receive this message that is so loud and clear, you will never ever need to repeat this lesson again. It is exceptionally liberating once you see people for who they truly are, and not what you thought they were.

The way we un-break our hearts is by not engaging with people who don’t have a clue how to open theirs. Time and time again we attract these souls who are emotionally unavailable into our lives, until we realize how little we have settled for in relationships and from people in general.

It is astounding how little we are willing to accept from others when we are not healed. I think back on my life and how many times I gave and gave and received nothing but crumbs in return. Not even crumbs! Like a mouse wouldn’t even take what I was offered.

If you want to un-break your heart, look for the red flags that are being waved in your face and do not ignore them. Here are a few:

They don’t reciprocate anything! They take no interest in you at all…Not your life, your career, your dog, your family, etc. They might ask you a question but don’t listen to your answer, they simply keep talking about themselves. They will occasionally reach out just to feed their ego and then you will not see them or hear from them again until they need another fix. They act as though they are the ultimate victim but it is actually you who is being victimized because they have no intention of ever giving you more.

If you know anybody like this, and you keep engaging with them, they are here to teach you the ultimate lesson of self love. How little are you willing to continue to accept their complete and utter disinterest in you? I know that sounds harsh, but they are never going to tell you they aren’t interested. What they will do, is keep you strung along until you do the work on yourself and realize what you thought they had to offer, was no offer at all because they are incapable of doing so.

When you get to this place and that incredible aha moment, you can officially say sayafuckingnara to emotionally unavailable people. You know your worth, what you bring to the table and you will never settle for anything less than a five course meal

The funny things is, the people who treated you this way knew you were worthy of far more, too. You just didn’t.

But now you do!

Sex

Let’s talk about sex!

I mean, sex is awesome…if it’s with someone you love. But, if sex is being used as a means for another person to fill an empty void within themselves, then you are merely being used, which is not loving at all, in fact, it’s cruel.

We’ve all had sex for the sake of having sex, hopefully you were younger and not a grown ass man or woman who should know better. Sex without emotion, care and compassion behind it, is merely just a transaction and extremely unfulfilling. Unless of course you are a person who needs sex to fill the cavernous void within yourself, then it fuels you because you are incapable of giving this fuel to yourself, so you take it from others.

When we validate ourselves by collecting partners, trolling the dating websites for hookups or pretending we want a relationship with someone just to get sex from them, we are diving into really dark and murky waters. The waters might seem clear going in, but eventually you will see that the water is filled with snakes and really creepy creatures that will mirror who and what you truly are.

People who need sex to feel better about themselves will prey upon people who are merely looking for someone to love. These highly dysfunctional people seem to attract empaths; people who feel the unhealed wounds of others and think they can fix them. It’s the perfect cocktail of disaster!

A person who needs sex doesn’t value women or men/whomever they are attracted to. They are simply a means to an end; a body that fills their needs, but only momentarily. They will engage with people on line to feed their ego, have an unhealthy addiction to porn and may fantasize or even engage in nefarious sexual acts, because they feel so out of control in their real life and need to control others to feel powerful. If you are a person who is doing this to others, please log off. You’re in need of some major therapy and my posts aren’t going to cure you.

Sex should be between two people who care about one another, who connect on an emotional level and where mutual respect is the driving force. There is nothing sexier than that! Sex is the ultimate expression of yourself with another and when you engage in sex with someone, you are sharing a part of yourself with them. Your most intimate part. You are giving this person your energy and they are giving you theirs. Think about that for a minute. Whose energy is with you?

Why in the hell would you give your most precious part of yourself to someone who is f^&*ed up? You know this going in, but if you are looking for validation, you’ll still have sex. If you think for one second that having sex with someone is going to cure your shit, think again. You’re only going to attract people with more shit than you and it will stay with you.

You will never change a person by having sex with them! Nobody is that good at it! It’s not a magic drug that makes a non-committal person suddenly committed. It will never make a cheater be loyal. It will not save your marriage either. Sex isn’t that powerful. But people are; but only when we give them ours. If you are engaging in sex with someone who isn’t respecting you, take your power back.

Sex should be something we want, but only with people who get us. It should never be something we need. If you fall in the need category you really need to look within instead of out there preying upon others. Do the work!

Sex is sacred-treat it as such! If you are conscious and your mind isn’t being stimulated, nothin much else will be either. Learn to discern between someone who is conning you for their own gain and one who is authentically interested in you for you, not your sex.

More

An oldie but a goodie!

I want to talk about more because so many of us say we want more, even think we deserve more, but few of us go about getting it because it often requires a bit of discomfort. Sometimes a whole boat load!

I recently separated from my husband. We have been married for over 20 years and have three boys. We have separated a few times in our time together, but this time it is far more substantial. He rented an apartment.

It’s no joke that I have been through a huge transformation. While my core values are still very much the same, as is the love I give unconditionally, my lack of wanting to participate in programs and patterns that do not serve anyone, has greatly.

This has confused him and made him say, “he wants his wife back.” I get it! I really do, which is why I am seeing this separation as something that is paramount to his well being and happiness just as much as mine.

When you do enough work on yourself you do not feel the need to be acrimonious towards someone you spent well, almost a lifetime with, let alone had children with. I cannot speak for him. Right now we are working together, but he does have influences around him that don’t see relationships as give and take, just take. But I am choosing to remain optimistic.

I truly want want is best for him and I know at this juncture, it is not me.

When you know that you want more than what you currently have, staying in that place of accepting less is not an option; in fact it is soul crushing. But fear of the unknown will keep so many of us dwelling there, hoping it gets better, hoping for this, wishing for that, until we realize you can wish and hope all you want, but what is called for is change.

I don’t know where I’m headed and that’s okay. I am not afraid of the unknown; I fear complacency far more than that. I actually like being alone and am not alone enough. I have two children home now and my oldest is on his way to see me for Mothers Day. They are my greatest achievement and the most wonderful thing that came out of my marriage.

And while I do not share my thoughts on my personal issues with my boys unless they ask, I do have really terrific friends and family who really love me, support me and have my back. I need not look too far for a shoulder to lean on, someone to make me laugh or to tell me I am capable of anything.

It is not through our wins that we see who supports us, it is through our trials and tribulations. It is very telling who wants to be in your life when you are challenged and who does not. Sometimes this truth hurts, but all necessary in order to fully own the fact that you will never again accept less than what you know you truly deserve. We all deserve more love, not less; don’t ever forget that.

I share this with you so that you understand there is never any reason to accept less than what your soul is yearning for. The journey to self love can be very painful but when you finally reach this destination, you realize the pain you felt all along was really inflicted by yourself. You saw things you wanted to see, not what was actually there and that’s because you sought outside yourself for the love you should have been giving you all along.

Once you reach a level of self-love, you will never settle for less than more, more, and more!

Dare to have more!

The One

Is there really someone out there in this vast world of ours who is “the one” for us? I think we all believe there is, because there are so many ways for us to try and meet them. And while I am sure there are success stories for people who have met on dating sites, they are probably few and far between because I personally don’t think there is enough magic on those.

Magic is what makes this idea of “the one” so alluring. The meeting of them has to be what I would call serendiptous. And I personally think that “the one” is someone who should be your friend first.

There are people who get tired of waiting for “the one”or simply don’t believe in that. This is not to say that they can’t have a very nice and fulfilling relationship with someone who isn’t “the one”, they just focus more on the boxes they tick, rather than the ones they don’t.

I believe that, “the one” should be found within yourself before you even ponder the idea of meeting someone else. If you haven’t worked on your stuff, then you might think you have met “the one” when the relationship is purely sexual.

When the chemistry is off the charts, we tend to assume this is what it feels like when you meet that special person who is your forever person, but…most of us figure out the hard way that sex is just sex and a lasting partnership has to be built on more than that. Chemistry is awesome, but there has to be more.

In fact, if you look up some signs that you have met “the one”, sex isn’t even mentioned. But someone you can trust, may not have everything in common with you but respects your differences, tolerates your flaws, you can drop the perfect act for, work through conflicts with, takes an interest in your life, you feel as though you can lean on them and they will put in the work, are.

“The one” is that person you are always happy to see. You feel giddy when you talk to them and lighter too. They are the one you want to call when you have good news or bad, they are your everything and you are theirs. There is mutual respect and trust and a bond that cannot be broken. You would go to bat for this person no matter what is involved or who is concerned.

It is a tall order for sure, which is why this person, “the one” can take a life time to meet or they could be right under your nose. We often hear stories like this. Why is it we don’t see them when they could be right there? Because we say we want that special someone, but when we are gifted them, we say we aren’t ready. But how could anyone ever be ready for that kind of love? You just gotta jump in!

I personally believe in “the one” but I also believe in free will. There are people who simply will not allow themselves to be loved. We could speculate all day why that is, but at the end of the day it is not our job to convince someone of anything and I guess if truth be told, if you have to try and talk someone into love, they aren’t “the one” for you.

Fear not if you have not met “the one.” You will know when you do. It shouldn’t be work at all and they should know you are their one just as much as you do. There will be no games either because finding “the one” is magic, special and rare and should be treated as such.

Wait for the person who is your best friend, your one love, your soul mate. Wait for the person who gives your life meaning and fills your cup, don’t waste your time on someone who empties it. Wait for the one who opens your heart and fills it with joy and takes away any anger, pain or sorrow.

Giving without receiving is an unbalanced relationship and we are done with that. If someone is throwing you crumbs when you want the whole damn loaf, than they aren’t “the one.”

You

This is a great song and while it’s about two people who cannot get over one another, I wanted to write about…well, you.

When it comes to life, you must be your greatest motivator, your biggest fan, your best friend, and your unconditional lover. And while we would all love to have someone else be a part of our lives who gives us all of those qualities too, we must first give them to ourselves.

If we do not learn to give ourselves all of things we seek in someone else, we will repeat a cycle and attract more imbalanced relationships where you are either giving or taking too much. I don’t know about you, but I’m sort of done with those. A big, girl bye!

My growth and understanding of this basic concept has come through having very unhealthy relationships. This does’t just mean love interests, it means friendships and work ones as well. I mean come on, you can’t expect to have any authentic and supportive relationships if you aren’t balanced yourself.

My acting career has also been a catalyst in teaching me how to deal with people, speak up for myself and learn to discern between which jobs are best suited for me and those that are not. In the past I would say yes to everything; being ever so grateful for whatever bone was tossed my way. Now, I look at the job and really think about if it is something I feel called to do. If an agent does not like my honoring myself first, then they simply aren’t the agent for me and I am not afraid to walk away.

We do not have to say yes to everything. We can learn to say no. We can love ourselves enough to know when we are tired, needing a break and seeing that which is being offered to us is merely breadcrumbs instead of the whole damn loaf. Breadcrumbs are only good when served with a turkey, not when they are being served up by the people around us.

You deserve to live the life of your dreams, but you have to brave and bold enough to put you first and not give a crap about what anybody else thinks. Do you! It’s so freeing.

Truth

To me, there is nothing more important than the truth. I guess this comes from a history of people lying to me.

I don’t believe in games. More aptly, games where other people are involved. Life is a precious gift and one we should never take for granted. To think that we have an endless amount of time to finally fess up to how we truly feel or confess our misgivings serves no one, especially those we continue to lie to.

I try very hard to speak my truth. I do it here. Some people may get offended by my directness or how I express myself but I don’t care. I’m just being me. I don’t pretend anything, I don’t play small and I certainly don’t lie. Unless I am being paid to play a part, then all of that is off the table.

A lot of people cannot handle the truth and don’t know what to do with authenticity. Some will even do anything to avoid it. If you come across someone like that and try to express your truth to them, they might refuse to hear it. There is noting more frustrating, but when you experience this, you realize it is a them thing and certainly not a you one and you refuse to alter who you are to appease the broken part of them they refuse to heal.

Our truth is simply our truth and there is nothing more powerful than speaking it. We cannot be afraid of who we are or what we want or how we wish to express it. If someone cannot handle our truth, then they are simply not the person for us.

If you are like me and have done a ton of work on yourself, then you don’t have time for someone who wavers with their truth. You may feel greatly for them, but you realize that they are too afraid of the truth and would rather continue living a lie and you simply will not abide by that.

There is such freedom when you stop keeping the peace to appease others and start honoring yourself instead. In this space of absolute acceptance of everything that is, you honor others for where they are too and hold absolutely no contempt.

Truth. There is nothing more freeing or beautiful. Love yourself enough to speak it.

Lost

Are we ever really lost? Well…yeah!

I used to have this job where I had to drive to Queens and Brooklyn and call on clients. I hate driving in Queens and Brooklyn! Google Maps was my best friend. And Waze, except Waze tends to put you on routes where you are praying it keeps working because you will wind up on the side of the road crying your eyes out of sheer terror because you can’t find your way back.

I think we all fantasize about taking a road trip and just driving; letting the road take us wherever it wants to and stopping along the way to grab a snack and chat it up with the locals, but we don’t have time to do that, so we want the most direct route to where we are headed.

Thankfully we have Google Maps and Waze for the road, but unfortunately we can’t use them for life. I mean I guess you could ask Suri or Alexa if you should take that job, ask that person out or tell that one off, but they will probably just answer back, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.”

Even if they could help you, you would still wind up being lost, because being lost in life is a state of mind and the only person who can find you, is you.

We are all lost at some point. We lose our way. We venture out in one direction that we think is going to suit us and end up on a dead end road. It’s okay if this happens to you, the key is looking within and realizing you need to take a different road, but only after you have reflected.

If you don’t reflect, you will always be lost. You will meet the same love partners and wonder why you always feel unfulfilled. You will take new jobs but wind up in the same roles with the same people who pissed you off at the last one you had. If you keep repeating the same cycles and have not done an ounce of reflecting on why the same things keeps happening to you, than you are most definitely lost.

Ironically, in order to find your true self, you have to be willing to lose who you thought you were. You have to be willing to embrace the changes that want to take you on a new path; a much brighter and bigger one, instead of fearing it. But change scares people. Most people hate change, which is why they are perpetually lost.

I was lost for a long time. It wasn’t until I got on board the train numbered 1111 that I found myself. I saw those numbers everywhere and was pretty much forced to resign to them. I initially assumed that others were having the same experience as I was because the numbers, dreams and synchronicities were overwhelming. It was truly heartbreaking to realize I was on this road by myself. You see, the path to finding yourself is a lonely one, which is why so many people prefer to stay lost.

If you are feeling lost, it will be okay. Now you can find yourself. Resign to what life is trying to show you instead of ignoring it, else you will always be lost. Allow yourself to feel and then you will heal.

Sending you light from the end of the tunnel. All you have to do is take yourself out of it.

Waiting Game

Most of our lives we are waiting. We stand in lines to buy tickets, for the subway, for our coffee, appointments and the most frustrating thing we wait for, is people.

I wait a lot. I mean, A LOT! I wait for auditions, I wait for callbacks, I wait for the bookings. Often times I get put on hold and then I am waiting still. Does the client want me or someone else? Do they go in another direction all together? Does the project get scrapped? I have no idea what they think about, I only know I am left waiting.

In the past I would reach out to an agent and ask, “Have you heard anything? What are they waiting on?” Usually they didn’t know, but I thought it showed I had interest in the project, so that’s why I called in the first place. If it was a project I really wanted, then I might call a few times, but if I didn’t hear anything back I assumed they went in another direction and I didn’t call again. There’s only so much calling you can do! After awhile you get the picture and you don’t need someone to spell it out for you.

Due to my history with wanting things to happen and being impatient with the process, I have gotten exceptionally good at waiting. One might even say I am resolute. I have a vision of what I want, have had dreams about it, see signs everywhere that pertain to it and feel it deep within my soul that it is meant for me, so I trust that it will come. I have actually never been more certain of anything I want in my life. I’ve done the work, cleared my path of anything standing in the way and now all I have to do is wait for it to come to me. I trust in my inner knowing so I feel no need to stress.

Waiting has gotten me thinking about love. Why must people wait for love? I know a few people who are so tired of waiting for love. They just want it already! They know what they want in a partner and are ready to share their life with someone who is their equal. And while they do meet some okay people, they tend to meet more people who withhold love. I don’t understand this at all.

If love is staring you in the face, why would you wait any longer for it? Why would you push it away? I mean, love is amazing! Is it being vulnerable? Fear? It’s like the minute people find what they have been seeking all along, they shut the treasure box and run in the opposite direction. Their ego takes them on a journey to try and find bigger and better bounty, and only get lost at sea.

We wait so much for everything else in life, why wait for love. There isn’t a need for it. It’s futile and ridiculous. Love is love and when you have it you don’t wait for it, you pounce.

Aren’t we all a little tired of waiting at this point? I mean, we waited for the bans to be lifted, a vaccine, the world to go back to normal. And still, here we are…waiting.

I don’t know about you, but I find the whole waiting thing a but tiresome, but my job does require me to wait quite a bit. So I’m here day after day waiting for my phone to ring, to get an email or text, because reaching out has not faired well for me in the past and I have learned not to chase. And in the waiting, what is meant for me always finds me and this is what is called living in the present.

What are YOU waiting on? And more importantly, is it worth it?

Location, Location, Location

We’ve all heard this mantra before. It’s all about where your home is located and how it determines its value. But what make a house a home and what determines its value?

A house is simply a structure where people live. But a home is where you build your roots. It is a place where love is the common theme and there is a mutual respect and concern for all of those who live there.

You can have the best location in the world, but if you don’t have a harmonious environment, than it becomes a house; just a structure where people inhabit its space.

People get attached to their homes. I get it. If you had good memories there and you feel well… for lack of a better word, “home” there, then the location of it probably doesn’t matter much to you. You may have even compromised some things about its exact local just because you liked the house and you love the people you live with, so it doesn’t matter. The value of your home is based on your love for those you share the space with, not what the market tells you.

When a home becomes a house, its value is determined by how much you can get for it and how quickly can you get out of it. When a home becomes a house you are no longer attached to it. You realize it is merely a structure and while you may have had some good memories there, you feel ready to move to a different location and begin anew, with the intention of making someplace else a home again.

Our desire for a home in todays world goes beyond a yearning, it is a need. We need to put our heads on a pillow and sleep well, knowing we are surrounded by those who have our backs. We need to sit at a table and eat a meal with people where we have intelligent conversations, share a few laughs and feel completely safe being our most authentic selves. We need more love not less of it and we understand that there is no house that can give us these things, it is people.

My house is in a pretty nice location. I think a lot of people would like living here, but for me and my boys, this house has not been a home for a long time. I don’t think we ever liked this town even though we gave it more than enough chances and I think it has more to do with the people who live here, than anything else.

When I sit in my backyard and listen to the birds, I still hear traffic which has always bothered me. I remember the realtor saying, “You’re moving from New York City, you should be used to the sounds!” Then she went on to talk about the location since you can walk to town from my house. This used to appeal to me when I took the train in the city 4 times a week for auditions. Now I do them from home.

The town is looking pretty sad these days. Like most, a lot of places have closed and I don’t know who thought putting 6 hair salons and 4 pizza places in the span of a mile was a good idea but there are days where I would love a Hale and Hearty instead!

I’ve worked hard to make our house a home and this year I redid the entire upstairs. It looks like a boutique hotel. My older boys sleep up there when they visit from college but the older one who will be a senior, has already dismantled his room mentally and plans on taking things with him when he moves into his house in a few months.

The home they were all raised in is destined to be put up for sale. My youngest will be a junior in high school next year and my hope is to stay here until he graduates so that the other two have a place to visit when they come home. The alternative is New York City and apartments are pretty small. I could make it work if I had to (I tend to make everything work the best I can), but it’s not something I care to do.

But I do love the city! And talk about locations! It’s the one place where we forego all of the stuff we think we need and live off of all of the amazing culture and adventures New York has to offer in its place instead. But I like the south too, actually the beach, so moving there appeals to me as well, just not yet.

Wherever your location is, I hope you feel as though it’s your home. If you don’t, then maybe it’s not so much your house, but the people you share it with… or, it could be the location.

They say that home is where your heart is, so who and what has yours?

Be the Sunflower

Sunflowers grow best when they get at least 8 hours a day of the sun. They actually track the sun to stay in its light. They also require a lot of space to reach their potential. If they are planted too close together, they will not blossom to their fullest. They also have a history of healing. They have traveled to far away places; space being one of them. The middle part of the flower has both male and female sex organs, which makes it a complete union of masculine and feminine qualities.

As far as their spiritual meaning, they symbolize faith and are worshipped throughout many cultures because it resembles the sun. The sunflower also represents a desire to seek enlightenment and truth.

I love sunflowers! It’s not for all of the reasons I just stated, I just think they are very unique and make you feel happy. But if you had to be a flower, or be represented by one, then this one is pretty cool.

When we are trying to stay in the light, we need to surround ourselves with positivity. In order to have this, we require a lot of space. We have to set boundaries. People who are not in the light don’t like those. They will do anything to keep you from the light, so they will invade your space and cross the boundaries you have tried to instill, to keep you where they are.

You will feel constricted and start to question the light that you are being called to, especially if the people who are threatened by your light are those closest to you. But if you thrive in the light you know it. You also know when you are around people who don’t.

Our light heals others without us even knowing it. But when you feel your light fading because someone else is taking too much of it to try and heal themselves without giving you light in return, you become depleted and start to wither. You are literally drained when you are around people who do not seek their own light, but take yours instead.

You might travel a bit to revive your light, but when you come back to your reality your light gets challenged by the darkness again and a battle ensues between the masculine (giving) inside you and the feminine (receiving). When you give too much you are not receiving and when you receive too much you are not giving. If this is happening, you are no longer shining your light because it has been dimmed and the chances of you manifesting anything are nil because you are imbalanced energetically.

It is paramount to your inner well being that you stay in the light, no matter how dark it gets around you. The dark cannot remain in the light, nor can the light remain in the dark.

If you are the sunflower you need the light. Choose a new place to plant yourself so that you can thrive. You are the sunflower after all, and baby, you need it!