Thoughts

Expectations

a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

What is a life without expectations? Freedom.

When we have expectations of another person fulfilling our vision, we set ourselves up for disappointment. How can we expect someone else to think the way we do? To understand what we have been through? To share the same values, the same grievances, the same joys, hopes, fears, dreams, etc.

But so many of us have expectations of others and live a life that is half instead of full. We expect someone else to come along and be our other half and fulfill us, when we haven’t even done it ourselves.

How can anyone do that? And why would you want them to?

When you leave yourself open to giving your power away on this level, at some point when you level up or they do and decide you can fulfill yourself, you might find the person you put all of those hopes and wishes into lacking. You might even feel like a person who bought a car you thought ticked all the boxes, only to find out it was a lemon. Now you’re feeling like you’ve been bamboozled.

But you weren’t. Your expectations of what you thought that person could bring you was exactly what you needed in order to learn the lesson of self worth.

When we value ourselves we do not look outside of ourselves for anything. We know that no one can fulfill our expectations. No one but us.

It is just far too much pressure on someone for them to fulfill your emptiness; the void you have within yourself that begs to be filled.

Why don’t you fill it? Give it what it wants! If you still don’t know what that is I’ll tell you. LOVE!

It’s almost Valentine’s Day…why not give yourself that big box of chocolates or a card professing your unconditional love? Take yourself out to dinner! Order in! Do something special for yourself and stop waiting for someone to do it for you.

The best relationships are the ones where two people are giving and receiving equally. If you’re giving your cup of love to an empty vessel, then you will always be thirsty.

Give yourself what you seek from another and you will never be thirsty again.

.

Virtues and Vices

I’ve been creating a new deck I call Virtues and Vices and as I started to do the cards, I came up with so many more vices. It was actually getting harder for me to find as many virtues, so I scrapped the project for a hot minute to work on other creative endeavors.

If we’re being honest, vices are far more fun! And look at the people we watch on television and in the movies who have vices! We can’t get enough of them. The saints? Eh.

Ray Donovan…bad ass central! Walter White, Lucifer, Dexter…you get my point! On some level we are all rooting for them.

And the women! Villanelle in Killing Eve, Nurse Ratched, and my favorite, Cersei from Game of Thrones. All awful killers but broken. On some ridiculous level, you feel sorry for them for that one reason.

I’m not saying all people who have vices are good. I think the thing that makes all of those characters likable is at the core, they are trying to do the right thing for some reason or another and are fully committed to their purpose. You gotta respect that!

Anyone who does bad stuff or is mean to other people just because they can is just a shithead and not likable at all. We all know a few of those, don’t we?

So about those virtues…snoooooooze city! Why does someone want to be virtuous anyway? Does it get you a better place in heaven? I mean, that’s if heaven even exists! Does it give you a golden pass to a better life? Better relationships? I’m thinking about a few people who come to mind that we all know were virtuous and they had horrible lives. They were thrown in prison and even killed.

I don’t consider myself virtuous. I’m not overwrought with vices either. I’m somewhere in the middle, doing what I love, moving towards that which brings me joy and surrendering to that which does not.

I don’t know what you would call this place of between virtues and vices. Maybe being in the present and allowing life to happen instead of trying to control it so much? By the way, control is a vice.

Be virtuous, be full of vices, but whatever you do, just be yourself. Nobody likes a phoney, a fake or a people pleaser!

Back in the Day

Okay, so the words of this song are a bit over the top, but the beat? Come on! You could dance for hours in a circle to it, which is what I used to do…back in the day.

Didn’t you do that too? You would be at a club and a song would play forever, the same beat over and over and you just moved around in a circle sweating to death, drinking your drink until you either lit a cigarette on the wrong end or ran out of money; both indicators that it was time to leave. Well actually it didn’t matter if you ran out of money because someone was always willing to buy you a drink.

You’ll be happy to know that this beat hasn’t changed much. Kids are still dancing in clubs when there isn’t covid, to this exact one. Maybe not the underwear lyrics, although you gotta love the creativity of it all but the beat for sure. Two of my boys told me this.

I miss the clubs! I frequented them a lot when I was younger; like every Friday, Saturday and of course, Sunday. Sunday was the big night for me! I was a hairdresser and we didn’t usually work on Mondays because salons were often closed.

Back in the day I had so much cash from tips, I kept it in my freezer. Talk about cold cash! I didn’t know where else to put it and a friend told me they kept their’s there, so that’s what I did for awhile.

When I think back on how much money I pissed away, I cringe. It was another salary for sure! But I called it fun money and fun is what I had with it!

Back in the day there was no Uber or cell phones, so you made plans ahead of time over the telephone with your friends and then made your way across town in a car with a designated driver (or one who could at least keep it together after copious amounts of liquor) and met them at the bar or dance club you had decided on. You never went alone, even if that meant you went with someone who made let’s just say…not the best choices.

I had a friend like that. (She shall remain nameless). My sister reads this blog so she will know who I am talking about. I will say that when she had too much to drink she started talking to you out of the side of her eyes and she rarely went home with who she came with.

Back in the day you could do that sort of thing. We saw the same people out wherever we went and the chances of something bad happening were pretty slim.

We went to raves before they were called that. Back in the day they were called a BULA boy party and we paid ten dollars to drink all night in an empty building to music. We later found put that BULA stood for Bring us lots of a@@. And boy did it!

It’s funny to look back on your past and those times when you probably didn’t make the healthiest or wisest decisions but you were with your friends living life and that’s pretty much what young people are supposed to do.

Back in the day there was time for that and you didn’t worry too much about your future or getting a job because there was always a job and the future wasn’t something you gave too much thought to.

Nowadays kids are overwrought with anxiety about their futures because in todays world they look pretty bleak. And jobs? Well..those are few and far between and they are competing for them with adults who have been laid off.

I don’t know how much fun kids are having at college now. I guess they try to but with lock downs and all the rules and regulations, parties, bars and discos aren’t opened. They do have social media, but personally I think it’s worked against them rather then for them.

Back in the day you didn’t know there was a party you weren’t invited to. Now you know instantly. Back in the day Jenny may have liked you enough to invite you to sit next to her and then talk about you behind your back the next day, now she will tell the world just what a b-otch she thinks you are and get a thousand likes.

I don’t know. When I look back I think I had it pretty good. At the time I probably complained, but now…I think I did alright. I had fun, learned some lessons and all of those experiences made me the person I am today.

A person who faces adversity like a warrior, cries like a baby with a rash when she’s upset or someone upsets someone she loves and cherishes the people in her life who love her unconditionally.

Back in the day we didn’t have all the bells and whistles we have today, but we did have friends. Real friends. Ones that had our back and held our hair when we had too much too drink.

I miss those friends. Hell, I just miss discos!

Hello!

There are a lot of songs about saying hello; these are just a few. I find it funny that a simple little word causes people such anxiety.

It in its simplest form it is a greeting; in a more complex manner it is a way to begin a conversation, which I guess, is why it causes people so much stress. You never know how someone is going to respond to your “hello”, do you?

Have you ever had someone honk at you or run into you in the grocery store cause they are in a hurry and you simply look and wave and say, “hello”. It’s amazing how quickly their anger dissipates because you catch them off guard and they aren’t expecting someone to be nice to them, let alone notice them.

I don’t know too many people who would be absolutely prickish if out of the blue someone said hello to them. Actually, off the top of my head I can’ think of one. Even people I don’t think so fondly of would probably be taken back if I said hello.

It’s just hello. A word. It has no power over us. In fact, the only meaning or power it has, is what we give it.

The world needs a little more hellos. See how many people you can say it to today and take note of their response. It will probably make their day and yours too!

Good morning from New York and Hello!

Shakin’

I heard this song the other day and it reminded me of a session I had with a prosperity coach named Annita. Just writing that sounds funny, but let me explain.

On any given week I can audition up to three times. Before this disastrous piece of shit known as covid came into our lives, sometimes it was four or five. “Back in the day” I had the opportunity to get up in front of people, now like you, when I want to meet people I am potentially going to work for, I have to sit at my computer.

While most of you probably don’t worry about your background or lighting when taking these meetings, I do. It’s a production! I have a ring light that I cart around the house with me to try and find the best background.

Generally I would use my make-shift studio but my husband’s office is in the basement so I can’t go there. The kitchen is off limits, as is the dining room and living room, because my youngest son is at home now being taught on his computer and he has decided that being near the refrigerator is the best place for him to work.

I get it! He literally eats every two hours! The kids weighs 180 and is rock solid muscle! I like having him home; he’s a real charmer and it beats the three hour commute he takes daily when he is in school where I worry about him non-stop. I don’t know how many times you can tell a kid to make sure they call you when they get on one train to head to another, but this guy has been told at least a thousand and still…no call. The up side to him working in the kitchen, aside from the fridge, is I get to hear when he isn’t paying attention. “Do you have an A in this class?” is all I need to say and he quickly re-engages.

With all that said, I usually go upstairs to take the meetings because my two older boys are off at college and I have my pick of two rooms. They are complete opposites in taste and style, but have an equal amount of brilliance, so it all boils down to where I can’t hear anyone downstairs. My family is loud. I hate loud!

I don’t know about you, but trying to find a room in your house that isn’t like you are in surround sound is becoming a hot commodity. It’s not normal for people to be home together all the time. Men left the cave at some point to go hunt for months at a time! The only hunting going on over right cheer (read here), is me trying to find quiet space!

Sometimes, like last week, I log into the meeting early (I am always early to everything) and just sit there and go over my lines. I’m always prepared but then the committee gets involved and I start to get nervous (the committee of course are the million thoughts in me head that ask why are you doing this, followed by you will never get it!) Sometimes my hands sweat and my mouth gets dry. I start to forget the lines I have so well rehearsed. It’s at this point that I want to cancel the call and say f%^& it! And I have!

Well, I never understood this behavior because I like acting more than anything. Annita, who happens to be a Human Design expert, looked over my body graph chart and started explaining open centers and lines and I was blown away. Apparently I am a Projector (only 20% of the population is). Not only does this type have to wait for the invitation, they can burn out when they go after things they haven’t been invited to. . Me, wait? I’m a go-getter. I don’t wait for anything, which explained why I feel burned out a lot of the time. She also said that due to certain numbers and lines crossing and being unidentified, I will reject things before they have the chance to reject me.

The lingo was quite intense but the message was very clear. Keep doing me but don’t push. Allow for the opportunities to show up instead of trying to make them happen and most importantly, feel the fear and do it anyway, because fear shuts down abundance and fear is nothing more than excitement without breath.

In the 30 minutes I talked to her, I felt as though someone finally got me and on top of that, everything she said made perfect sense. I now go into auditions with that shortness of breath and stop for a moment and realize this is nothing more than excitement because I have an opportunity in front of me.

So, my message is learn to love the shakin’. It means you are excited and that an opportunity for something really awesome is right in front of you. What you do with it is up to you, but I now embrace the nerves because I know on the other side of them is happiness.

And may you find quiet space in your space and covet it. I personally live for Saturday and Sunday when my husband drives my youngest to New Jersey to train with a coach. Ahhhh….I can almost hear the nothingness now.

Too Much Too Late

Have you ever been so driven and focused that you dismiss people in your life, thinking they will always be there, so there is no need to stress over your relationship or lack of one with them?

When I was growing up my father worked all the time. I remember him coming home from work on my birthday, eating some cake and then going back to work. I know that he was trying to do right by all of us and his way of doing that was by bringing home money since he grew up without it, but as a kid I only knew he was’t there most of the time.

As the years passed this pattern stayed with him and moments shared with my father were even rarer. When he did give you his time it was something you cherished and coveted, making him or what we thought was him so special.

But he wasn’t special. He was a man who did what he wanted, without thinking about how it effected anyone else. My mother tired of his inability to be there emotionally and asked for a divorce. I never understood how he let that happen since he always said she was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Within a short time he married a woman who lacked the same emotional connection he did, tolerated my siblings and I and eventually convinced my father that life was easier for her, without us in it. I guess they shared the same obsession with money because I must have heard a thousand times, “You can always tell the people with money.”

Since I was not taught the value of money and only saw it as a means that ruined families or something that was evil, like I didn’t want to be one of those people my step mother talked about, I spent it as fast as I could get it.

I’ve been on my own financially since the day after high school. I ate potatoes or popcorn for dinner if I ate at all, and lived for the cafeteria meal at the Marriott I worked at or happy hours where they had free buffets because I was too broke to pay for food.

I had a lot of fun, but money….I didn’t give a crap about it. I only needed a few bucks to go out, so I made sure I had that and didn’t worry about much else. I lived this way for a long time and I was just fine. Happy even. I was surrounded by people I loved, who loved me back and we laughed at how broke we were.

I have had money, lost it, found it again, worked like a dog for it and bought whatever I wanted. I know the value of money, I’m not a dope. But I know the value of good relationships more, especially since I have experienced really bad ones.

Money is important but it should never define who we are. Money is merely paper, yet people give it so much power. I have met people who use their money to control others, people who look down their nose on those they perceive as less than because they are waiting on them or cleaning for them and even some who have all the bells and whistles that money can buy and they don’t enjoy any of it.

Nobody likes to be controlled, but if money is your driving force, then you are already controlled and have probably let relationships fall to the wayside that would have fulfilled you far more than that dollar in your pocket ever will.

Money is great, but relationships are far better. If you have a good one, you have a partner for life and someone who will be with you even if you don’t have money, because a healthy relationship isn’t built on what you acquire, it’s built on trust, respect and honor.

I rarely speak to my father. It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I find the conversation unfulfilling and he is always in a hurry to get off the phone. He has never changed, I gather he never will at this point and me expecting him to only brings disappointment. I would not say it is too late for us because he’s my dad.

But for anyone else who has not seen my value and thought that something over there was more important, it is far too late and I can’t be bothered.

The choices we make define our lives. Money will give you more choices, but it won’t do much else.

We Need More Laughter Now! So happy I found this guy!

the candles…so guilty of this! and maybe the plants/flowers too!

the universe! hold these crystals! that’s your journey! i’m laughing so hard…cause I’ve said all of these things!

Losing It

There are moments in life when we all feel like we are losing it. We become so angry and upset with a person or situation that we just want to go off on somebody.

What causes this? The way it makes us feel absolutely and utterly powerless, especially if you are a person who follows the rules, is goal oriented, honest, is kind to others and tries to do the right thing.

When we feel as though someone else holds the key to our future or our happiness, we feel out of control, which creates extreme frustration. But is this true? Is it possible to be out of control of our own lives?

The answer is no and while we may not like that answer, it is the truth. We all make choices and choices have consequences. Sometimes our choices aren’t very good ones and well, we might now be looking at those choices and not be very happy with them.

I find in life that there are generally two choices in front of us. It’s like looking at places to live. One apartment might have a large bedroom with a bathroom midway between it and the kitchen but there is absolutely no closet space. The other one has a bedroom you might be able to fit a bed in and not much else, there is tons of closet space for all your shoes, the bathroom is in the kitchen, but the rent is 400.00 less a month. Which one do you pick? Of course you take the one with the closets! Don’t you?

Anyway, you move in and you realize all that closet space doesn’t matter because you can hear anyone who comes over in your bathroom. Pretty soon you don’t invite anyone anymore because you are learning more about people than you wanted to. And forget about your appetite! Sure, you’ve lost weight, but you are wondering if you will ever eat again…at least not in your apartment.

So you get upset. You have signed a lease…for a year. Now you hate the place and can’t imagine staying there another minute, let alone a whole freaking year! You might call the landlord and complain. He doesn’t care, he’s already got your lease and your two months deposit. You feel angered by this. You yell at him because it’s all his fault and then you call your mother and yell at her too. Somehow it’s her fault too! Mothers get blamed for everything!

Eventually you scream at the top of your lungs to God, the Universe, whatever the heck you believe in at how cruel they are for doing this to you. Then you write letters to every person who has ever upset you and cry yourself to sleep on the floor of your crappy apartment with an empty bottle of wine next to you.

Once you’ve released those feelings of anger, frustration, exasperation, annoyance, discontent and distress, you wake up the next day and realize it’s really no big deal after all. It’s just an apartment! An apartment with amazing closet space! You didn’t even have to get rid of any of your shoes!

You go out and buy some flowers, an air purifier that makes noise and a new bottle of wine with all that extra money you saved. You’ll be damned if you lose that great closet space!

The greatest tool we have against feeling powerless, is knowing that we have more power than we could ever know. Sometimes it takes hitting a wall really hard, to discover just how quickly you can bounce off of it.

We all make mistakes or what appear to be mistakes, but they’re not. We are always making choices and choosing paths to exactly where we need to be, in order to learn the lessons in life that we are here to learn.

The ultimate one of course, is to love the self. So if you currently find yourself in a situation where you are losing it, understand that you were brought there for a reason. Take a deep breath, focus on the good that has come of it and if you can’t think of anything, let be remind you…look at how much you have grown, how much you have learned and how little you will tolerate anyone or anything that doesn’t see your value.

This is progress! It may not look like it, but the fact that you are feeling like you are losing it, is telling you that you have arrived.

Congratulations! From this point on you will never give your power away again.

Fire On Fire

To anyone who has ever questioned their self worth or thought they were not worthy of real love, this song was written for you.

You gotta love Sam Smith! Interesting that his last name is Smith, because he certainly is a word-smith.

It is amazing what love can do for us, which is why it is so astonishing that so many of us block it out of our lives. Often times it is standing right in front of us, but if it doesn’t measure up to our picture of it or ideal, we push it away and deny ourselves one of the most beautiful and profound emotions we will ever know.

And what of that ideal? I’ve had it myself. Often times the perfect picture winds up being a perfect disaster and this is where we find ourselves at fault. We can only ever attract into our lives what we believe about ourselves, so what do the people in your life say about you?

We do this because of our past. We live so much in our past, that we deny ourselves a future. I get it. I mean, if you have been hurt, the last thing you want to do is open your heart up to someone else.

Actually, I don’t get it at all. I have opened my heart more than a thoracic surgeon does and I’m still here. I’m not just here, I’m thriving. And that’s because I refuse to be a prisoner of my past.

Why on earth would I give my power over to something that already happened? Why would I give it over to a future that hasn’t occurred? It makes no sense and if you can see it that logically and understand that this moment, right here, right now is all that you have, then you are perfectly fine.

There really is nothing to be afraid of, except our imaginations, which is why mine is filled with dreams and things I desire, instead of things that scare me.

There really is nothing to be frightful of! Maybe wind. Wind scares me, and there is a whole heck of a lot of it outside right now.